When you want something, how do you request it? Hosts Laurie and Kayla talk about developing a communication style that aims to influence, not control. Influence comes from a softer, more open and compassionate position, and it can change the dynamic of the relationship over time.
Limited contact is hard. Learn to calm down so you can respond simply and strengthen the connection through humor and interests.
Agency, the sense of self-control, is important to CRAFT. Foster agency in others by offering positivity, gaining more agency of your own.
It’s important to CRAFT to see possibilities, hold more than one truth, and experience many feelings and thoughts to get to healing.
Understanding “natural consequences” and allowing them to play out when it’s safe to do so can be a force for change over time.
A look at two situations from the AIR blog — a woman who stops communicating, and a young man who wants to stay alone while withdrawing.
Become an agent of change — by changing yourself. How do you step back, take space, and change the dance of the usual interaction?
We intend to be supportive, but aren’t always perceived that way. How do you hear when they feel upset, and shift back into connection?
“Functional analysis” means figuring out what’s happening around a behavior, to go from reactive to having choice and influence.
Some relationship moments feel like huge rifts. They’re opportunities to show you’re changing, becoming someone safe for them to come to.
Do common sayings hold truth? We look at “hitting rock bottom,” and starting with one day. Both need slowing down, being in the moment.
Don’t just use CRAFT now and then. Learn one thing at a time, one day at a time. Practice the skills consistently, and change can happen.
Feeling victimized means you’re being passive. Shift focus–you have agency and control, and you’re responsible for yourself and your care.
Do people “have to want” recovery? Reality is more complicated. We can give options, be open to process, and change our own behavior.
Being an ally means stepping up, learning to see chances to be a change agent — for slow, methodical change.
Embrace “beginner’s mind”; make mistakes and learn; practice until the tools become automatic. Remember that change happens incrementally.
Begin with considering what you need to do. This leads to self-care, changing you, but also allowing your loved one new possibilities. Building Your CRAFT.
Emotions feel unmanageable? Step back. State them briefly, then take care of yourself. Give yourself compassion and patience.
You get a call: treatment is bad, and they want to leave. Hold the line. Tell them they can get something good from the situation.
When you’re dealing with difficult circumstances and the actions of others, it’s important to shift focus from external to internal, to pause and check in with yourself and ask yourself what you need and want. Take your power back. We believe that taking care of yourself in this way has a positive impact on the other person. It’s a demonstration of boundaries and self-care.
Christina Dent discusses her new book, Curious: A Foster Mom’s Discovery of an Unexpected Solution to Drugs and Addiction. Christina grew up in a conservative Christian home. Her views of addiction changed dramatically when she and her husband became foster parents. Christina founded the non-profit End It For Good to invite others to listen to the voices directly impacted by our drug laws.
When it comes to hope, trust, and expectation, what’s our part, and what’s the part of others? Hope is ours. It’s internal, doesn’t damage anyone, and is loose, open, and a way to stay positive. It’s also ours to accept — to say this is how things are and soothe ourselves. What not ours? Trust. It’s the other person’s job to become trustworthy for themselves. Expectations, too, are theirs — if we impose expectations on others, we set up failure
Having expectations for others can be a difficult trap. When we have ideas about how things should go, we often try to manifest those expectations and have other people do what we want them to do. Instead, learn to manage your nervous system, to calm yourself and have tools to make requests of others. Be careful not to superimpose your expectations on others — it might not be what they want, need, or are able to do. That needs to be okay. Learn to give people room to create their own expectations for themselves.
Alex Ribbentrop joins the Allies in Recovery hosts to discuss intergenerational trauma, substance use, the importance of family, and finding connection. Alex is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Qualified Supervisor, EMDR Trained Clinician, and Certified Family Trauma Professional, practicing in Virginia, Maryland, and Florida.
How do you handle that difficult time when your loved one comes home from treatment, and is back in an old environment, complete with old triggers? It can be a time of depression and anxiety. Think about reconnection — being present and engaged, making things fun when you can, and using the CRAFT communication tools to leave doors open.
Enmeshment is a blurring of the boundaries between people. How the other person feels affects you intensely. Enmeshment is one-way — your thoughts, feelings, and choices are about the other person’s well-being. Countering enmeshment means checking in with ourselves, calming our systems down, taking pauses, and allowing the other person the dignity of their own process. You can learn to listen and make reasonable requests and develop a healthier kind of connection.
What questions should you ask, and what plans should you make if your loved one is coming home? Dominique and Kayla discuss a family’s question about a new living situation.
What’s the impact of emotions on how we interact with loved ones? Learn to acknowledge, claim, and identify your emotions. Don’t discuss anything when you’re reactive. Instead, pause, check in with your feelings, and don’t take things personally. Have a strategy that’s not confrontational or accusing, but engaging. Calm your system and engage in a way that you can feel good about. Hopefully this will reverberate with your loved one and create change over time.
When the noise dissipates and there’s clarity, that’s an “ah-ha moment.” You can move forward in a different way. You might even find new commitment to a way of thinking or behaving that you didn’t have access to before. Allies in Recovery uses CRAFT to give you the tool set for your own ah-ha moments, but also to help create the conditions for your loved one to find their own moments and possibilities for long-term change.
When you’re in the middle of crisis, feeling reactive or uncertain about what to do, use the “three questions” to helps create space and time and take the best action. What am I feeling? What can I do about it (think as broadly as possible)? What am I actually gonna do? Kayla likes to consider a fourth: What’s happening that’s making me feel this way?
