Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

She Wants Me to Watch the Baby While She Gets High. Should I Refuse?

Laurie MacDougall August 2, 2023
0 Comments
Photo credit: Nikhil Singh

Hopewood03 worries about both her daughter and her infant grandson. Her daughter smokes marijuana and believes it’s part of her identity. Her grandson needs care—even when the daughter feels like going out to get high. The dilemma for Megan arises when her daughter asks Megan to babysit on those occasions. She wants to keep her grandson safe, but doesn’t want to encourage her daughter to use. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall assures her she’s doing nothing of the kind—and reviews some CRAFT strategies to influence her daughter to move away from pot.

My 19-year-old daughter and my grandson, her one-year-old son, live with me. Sometimes she asks me to watch him while she smokes marijuana. I usually say yes if I am available. If I say no, she might bring him with her.

I feel like I am encouraging use if I say yes and watch him. If I say no, it feels unsafe. I have set a boundary about her not using in the house and have asked her not to use around her son.

She identifies with using marijuana as that is who she is, and what she does.

Thank you for any thoughts/suggestions.

Hi hopewood03,

I can see how this situation may be troubling for you. Clearly trying to square safety for your grandson with wanting to influence your daughter to move away from pot can cause major stress and anxiety. But your sense of what is most important, the safety of your grandson, is right on target.

You’re keeping your grandson safe. Period.

You wrote that you “feel” like it is encouraging use if you agree to watch your grandson. Remember, feelings are not facts. Agreeing to take care of the baby is keeping him safe. The fact that you set a boundary of not using in the house or around the baby is an indication that you are not happy with her use, and I am sure your daughter is fully aware that you do not like this situation. You are not encouraging your daughter to use.

That said, there are ways to slowly add and adjust CRAFT-informed boundaries to try to influence your daughter to reduce and possibly end her use of pot. Really dig into both Module 5 (My Loved In Not Using Right Now, Now What?) and Module 6 (My Loved One IS Using Right Now, Now What?) Immediately rewarding those moments when she is not using and removing immediate rewards when she is using are going to be key. Are there activities enjoyable to both you and her, that you and she can do together with the baby to distract her when she would normally be heading out to use? Could you suggest a trip to a playground together, or a stroll around the neighborhood? Of course, these activities are not going to stop her, but they may at least delay that use for some time.

You’re daughter’s much more than a pot user. Help her feel it.

Work on your communication skills to help you respond to her in ways that are helpful. There is a lot of power in listening and letting others know that we hear them. When she says that smoking pot is “who she is and what she does,” there are quiet ways to help direct her to see herself as so much more. She is a daughter, a mother, a sister, a friend, etc. Just inviting her to help out more around the house can give her a sense of importance and purpose. For example: “Hey hon, could you hold my drink? I’m worried I’m going to spill it carrying in these grocery bags.” And when she’s done so: “You’re a life saver. Thank you.”

What about telling her you can watch the baby for her, but ask her to wait a while (1/2 hour) because you have to complete a task first? Delay, delay, delay.

What about asking her to take on more responsibility without directly calling it that? Something like, “Hey, I have to go to the grocery store and I could use your help. How about we go together and each take half the list? We could get it done in half the time. You being there would be so helpful.”

It’s also vital that you remove immediate rewards when she shows up high. Put the baby in a stroller and go for a walk, or head to the playground. Eat dinner without her, clear the kitchen when you are done, and let her figure out her own eating arrangements. This is not a punishment, just a way of not engaging when she is high.

Hopewood03, as a mom and grandma, you are doing your best to help your daughter and keep your grandson safe. Stick with it and really dig into learning those CRAFT skills and strategies. I hope that what I wrote here helps. Please keep us updated on how things go. Wishing you and your family all the best.

Laurie MacDougall

Loading
Laurie MacDougall

Related Posts from "Discussion Blog"

My Loved One’s Breaking Our Agreement About Use at Home. What Should I Do About It?

After time in a recovery house—and agreeing in writing not to use while living at home—Carolyn P.’s Loved One has moved in with her. Much has been going well, but now the accumulating signs leave little doubt: they’re using again. Carolyn P. has been working hard to apply CRAFT to her situation. She worries, though, that her “watchful silence” might be counterproductive. Laurie MacDougall brings her back to a key, if difficult, CRAFT fundamental: boundary setting.

Laurie MacDougall November 14, 2023
0 Comments

Rehab Was Great, but He Came Home and Stumbled. Now He’s Stopped Answering His Phone.

Residential rehab was a huge success for Highlander1’s grown son, but shortly after returning home the drinking started again. Now he’s taken off without a word and is refusing to be in touch. Naturally his parents are beside themselves. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall counsels them to start simply as they try to restore communications, to hone their own CRAFT skills—and to remind their son to focus on the success and not the setback.

Laurie MacDougall November 7, 2023
0 Comments

What Am I Supposed To Do With This Anxiety?

Allies member Allisonc77 has some reasons for optimism: her husband, who struggles with alcohol, has recently stopped drinking, and let his old drinking buddies know he doesn’t plan to drink anymore. What he does plan to do is continue to see his friends. Naturally enough, Allison’s concerned that social pressure could lead him back to alcohol. But her question for Allies concerns her own behavior: she wants to know how best to manage her anxiety. Laurie MacDougall walks her (and us) through the fundamentals of a CRAFT approach to this question.

Laurie MacDougall October 24, 2023
0 Comments

There’s A World of Options for Your Loved One

Jimw’s wife has contended with alcohol use disorder for many years and has engaged with numerous treatment programs along the way. She’s unemployed, and family debts are piling up. In his letter to Allies, Jimw describes what she’s already tried, and asks what other resources might be out there. Laurie MacDougall responds with a detailed discussion of the many options and where CRAFT comes into the picture.

Laurie MacDougall September 19, 2023
0 Comments

Our Loved Ones Need Us to Listen. Even (Or Especially) When Their Behavior Is at Its Worst.

When Sweets1997 and his family allowed their adult son access to their home while they were away, it was a simple act of love. They returned to a trashed home and missing belongings. It’s just the latest difficult chapter in an 11-year journey with their son’s addiction. But not all the signs are discouraging. Laurie MacDougall remarks on the points in this family’s favor, and explores in detail how focused listening and other communication skills can build a relationship of trust with our Loved Ones.

Laurie MacDougall September 5, 2023
0 Comments

My Son Needs Care For More Than Just Addiction. Where on Earth Can I Find It?

Substance use disorder often occurs alongside other physical and mental health challenges, making a tough situation much harder and more complex. As frends2end knows all too well, finding care that takes our Loved One’s whole condition into account is one of the hardest aspects of such situations. That makes it doubly important to know the best strategies and options out there. Allies’ Dominique Simon-Levine shares some of her discoveries.

Dominique Simon August 29, 2023
0 Comments

When Setting a Boundary Is the Message We Need to Send

Introduction CRAFT teaches us to be thoughtful, caring, and deliberate in the messages we send to our Loved Ones. But sometimes the message is best conveyed without words. When we set boundaries, we also have to help our Loved Ones understand that they’re for real. As Allies writer Laurie MacDougall discusses with Adrexpert, managing our own thoughts and feelings is a necessary precursor to this sort of work, and so much else.

Laurie MacDougall August 22, 2023
0 Comments

If My Loved One Commits To Treatment, Should I Ease Up on CRAFT?

Disengaging from a Loved One isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. But doing so when they’re using is a basic (and proven) part of CRAFT—as is the opposite action, rewarding non-use. When a Loved One takes on the challenges that often attend the start of treatment, sticking to CRAFT techniques and principles is as vital as at any other moment. As Laurie MacDougall explains, the effort will likely be difficult, but it’s a key part of supporting them.

Laurie MacDougall August 9, 2023
0 Comments

Too Much Advice! How Did Everyone I Know Become An Expert in Substance Use Disorder?

Often, it’s given with the best intentions. Sometimes it comes with judgment or moralizing. Either way, unsolicited advice can drain our energy and complicate our efforts to support our Loved Ones. That’s how it’s been for Jaki, who has felt as if she were “on trial” for her husband’s alcohol use disorder. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall can sympathize, and shares some time-tested approaches for responding and self-care.

Laurie MacDougall July 25, 2023
0 Comments

LEAVE A COMMENT / ASK A QUESTION

In your comments, please show respect for each other and do not give advice. Please consider that your choice of words has the power to reduce stigma and change opinions (ie, "person struggling with substance use" vs. "addict", "use" vs. "abuse"...)

Report

Harassment or bullying behavior
Contains mature or sensitive content
Contains misleading or false information
Contains abusive or derogatory content
Contains spam, fake content or potential malware

Block Member?

Please confirm you want to block this member.

You will no longer be able to:

  • See blocked member's posts
  • Mention this member in posts
  • Invite this member to groups
  • Message this member
  • Add this member as a connection

Please note: This action will also remove this member from your connections and send a report to the site admin. Please allow a few minutes for this process to complete.

Report

You have already reported this .