Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

She Wants Me to Watch the Baby While She Gets High. Should I Refuse?

Photo credit: Nikhil Singh

Hopewood03 worries about both her daughter and her infant grandson. Her daughter smokes marijuana and believes it’s part of her identity. Her grandson needs care—even when the daughter feels like going out to get high. The dilemma for Megan arises when her daughter asks Megan to babysit on those occasions. She wants to keep her grandson safe, but doesn’t want to encourage her daughter to use. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall assures her she’s doing nothing of the kind—and reviews some CRAFT strategies to influence her daughter to move away from pot.

My 19-year-old daughter and my grandson, her one-year-old son, live with me. Sometimes she asks me to watch him while she smokes marijuana. I usually say yes if I am available. If I say no, she might bring him with her.

I feel like I am encouraging use if I say yes and watch him. If I say no, it feels unsafe. I have set a boundary about her not using in the house and have asked her not to use around her son.

She identifies with using marijuana as that is who she is, and what she does.

Thank you for any thoughts/suggestions.

Hi hopewood03,

I can see how this situation may be troubling for you. Clearly trying to square safety for your grandson with wanting to influence your daughter to move away from pot can cause major stress and anxiety. But your sense of what is most important, the safety of your grandson, is right on target.

You’re keeping your grandson safe. Period.

You wrote that you “feel” like it is encouraging use if you agree to watch your grandson. Remember, feelings are not facts. Agreeing to take care of the baby is keeping him safe. The fact that you set a boundary of not using in the house or around the baby is an indication that you are not happy with her use, and I am sure your daughter is fully aware that you do not like this situation. You are not encouraging your daughter to use.

That said, there are ways to slowly add and adjust CRAFT-informed boundaries to try to influence your daughter to reduce and possibly end her use of pot. Really dig into both Module 5 (My Loved In Not Using Right Now, Now What?) and Module 6 (My Loved One IS Using Right Now, Now What?) Immediately rewarding those moments when she is not using and removing immediate rewards when she is using are going to be key. Are there activities enjoyable to both you and her, that you and she can do together with the baby to distract her when she would normally be heading out to use? Could you suggest a trip to a playground together, or a stroll around the neighborhood? Of course, these activities are not going to stop her, but they may at least delay that use for some time.

You’re daughter’s much more than a pot user. Help her feel it.

Work on your communication skills to help you respond to her in ways that are helpful. There is a lot of power in listening and letting others know that we hear them. When she says that smoking pot is “who she is and what she does,” there are quiet ways to help direct her to see herself as so much more. She is a daughter, a mother, a sister, a friend, etc. Just inviting her to help out more around the house can give her a sense of importance and purpose. For example: “Hey hon, could you hold my drink? I’m worried I’m going to spill it carrying in these grocery bags.” And when she’s done so: “You’re a life saver. Thank you.”

What about telling her you can watch the baby for her, but ask her to wait a while (1/2 hour) because you have to complete a task first? Delay, delay, delay.

What about asking her to take on more responsibility without directly calling it that? Something like, “Hey, I have to go to the grocery store and I could use your help. How about we go together and each take half the list? We could get it done in half the time. You being there would be so helpful.”

It’s also vital that you remove immediate rewards when she shows up high. Put the baby in a stroller and go for a walk, or head to the playground. Eat dinner without her, clear the kitchen when you are done, and let her figure out her own eating arrangements. This is not a punishment, just a way of not engaging when she is high.

Hopewood03, as a mom and grandma, you are doing your best to help your daughter and keep your grandson safe. Stick with it and really dig into learning those CRAFT skills and strategies. I hope that what I wrote here helps. Please keep us updated on how things go. Wishing you and your family all the best.

Laurie MacDougall

Loading

Related Posts from "Discussion Blog"

What Do We Have to Look Forward To?

Supporting a Loved one with SUD means different things to different people. Meggie, for example, comes from a family that’s confronted the disorder through “tough love”—leaving the Loved One to deal with their addiction entirely alone. This never felt right to Meggie, who wanted to fight alongside her husband for his recovery. When she discovered CRAFT, she soon realized it was designed to help her do just that. Nonetheless, thoughts of the future still leave her anxious. What if he’s in and out of jail for a long time to come? Isabel Cooney reminds us that so much depends on what we tell ourselves about both the present and the possible future.

Straight to Treatment After Jail? Do I Stick to My Guns?

Sometimes we can see the likely future: our Loved One returns to the shelter of home, hides away in their room, and simply doesn’t get the treatment they need to make progress with their SUD. Allies’ member HelenBo doesn’t want to see that happen with her son, who is struggling with heroin and other substances. What other housing options will he have upon release? As Laurie MacDougall writes, there are often more than we realize. At the same time, such transitions are critical moments for our Loved Ones. Having a list of specific housing and treatment options at hand—along with the CRAFT skills to communicate about them effectively—can make all the difference.

Cutting Him Off Entirely Isn’t the Answer—Is It?

We’ve all heard the argument: cut the cord. Let them sink to rock bottom. They’ve made their bed; now they have to lie in it. Recently, Allies member erinlewis was offered this sort of advice concerning her teenage son. Data and experience have shown that such an approach is usually the wrong one for our Loved Ones—but maintaining a connection doesn’t mean that anything goes. Laurie MacDougall walks us through a CRAFT-informed approach to self-care, boundaries, and the balancing act of connection and accountability.

When Stepping Back Is the Best Help You Can Give

No one wants a Loved One to suffer. No one wants a Loved One to relapse. But in our worry about such possibilities, we can stumble into behaviors that stand in the way of change—behaviors that make problematic substance use easier for our Loved Ones than it otherwise would be. Fortunately, CRAFT can help us learn to offer support within our chosen boundaries: the kind of support that truly encourages progress.

About This Whole “Engage When They’re Not Using” Business…

If you’ve worked your way through Allies’ eLearning Modules, you’re already familiar with the concept: when our Loved One (LO) is using, we remove rewards and allow for natural consequences. When they’re not using, we reward them right away. But as member BRIGHTSIDE has been finding, the real-life timing can be a challenge. Laurie MacDougall reviews the fundamentals of this process, and shares ideas for getting creative when the lines seem blurred.

What Is Our Role? Underlying Feelings and Beliefs We Have About Our Loved Ones

Like many of us who have Loved Ones struggling with SUD, Allies member Binnie knows that trust is a delicate matter. Can we trust our Loved Ones to take care of themselves? Do we believe they have the capacity? Or do we think they’re so damaged that they can’t function without our stepping in? Isabel Cooney reflects on how trust is explored in a recent Allies podcast, and offers her own insightful take on this vital subject.

Evidence From Oregon: Decriminalizing Drugs Can’t Solve Every Problem, but It’s an Important Step All the Same

Oregon has just rescinded Measure 110, the historic law that decriminalized possession of small amounts of hard drugs. But the reasoning behind the rollback is muddled. As guest author Christina Dent reveals, M110 took the blame for spikes in lethal overdoses, homelessness, and public drug use, none of which it likely caused. Rather, she argues that the law represented a small but important step forward. In the effort to end the drug crisis, its repeal is a loss.

Getting the Most Out of This Site

Personal trainers and the like are terrific—when they’re accessible. Unfortunately, individual counseling is still a rarity with CRAFT, despite its proven effectiveness. Allies in Recovery was created to bridge that gap. In this post, founder and CEO Dominique Simon-Levine outlines the many forms of training, education, and guidance that we offer on this website. We hope it helps you find the support you need.

What We Can and Can’t Control: It’s Good to Know the Difference

Erica2727 has a husband who’s working hard on his recovery, but his place of work concerns her. She would like him to consider various options, but isn’t sure about how to talk over such matters with him. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall offers a guide to a vital distinction: on the one hand, what we can and should seek to control; and on the other, what we cannot, and don’t need to burden ourselves with attempting.

How I Boiled Down CRAFT for My Teenage Kids

What can our children make of CRAFT? Allies’ writer Isabel Cooney has a powerful story to share—and some great thoughts for our community about opening a little window on the practice. As her experience suggests, CRAFT may have more to offer than a child or teen can truly take on. But young people may still benefit from an introduction to what the adults in their lives are trying to do.

Progress and Appreciation: A Letter From Holland

Danielle and her son have gone through a lot, individually and together. At Allies, we remember their years of struggle relating to his SUD. What joy, then, to receive this letter updating us on their situation. It’s the best news imaginable: Danielle’s son is clean and stable, and Danielle herself has widened the circle of support to others in need. Have a look at Danielle’s letter for yourself:

She Wants Another Round of Rehab. Should I Open My Wallet Yet Again?

Member Klmaiuri’s daughter struggles with alcohol and cocaine use. She’s also been through rehab seven times. The cycle—use, treatment, partial recovery, return to use—can feel like a cycle that never ends. Is there a way to be supportive while put a (loving) wrench in the gears? Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall says absolutely yes. But it takes a commitment to learning new skills, trying a new approach, and lots of practice.