That Bottle I Found: Should I Bring It Up in Therapy?

Photo credit: Leon Kohle

A short and right-to-the-point question from member mhryon. Unfortunately, as Allies writer Laurie MacDougall notes, the answer isn’t one we at Allies can provide. But she does review a range of CRAFT skills that can prepare us to face such complex choices from a stance of knowledge and strength.

I found a bottle of unopened liquor in my husband’s car this morning. Hiding and lying is not new to me, but since I am just starting with the CRAFT method, I’m wondering if I should bring this up in therapy today.

Thanks for contacting us, mhryon. I certainly understand your concern, and I think that whether to bring this up in a couple’s session is best explored with your therapist. Would they want you to approach it outside of a session? Is there a specific way that they think you might be able to bring it up in a session that would be helpful? Is your therapist strong with communication skills and able to guide you in approaching this with your Loved One (LO)? Tough questions—but then tough questions are what a good therapist expects.

In any event, it’s encouraging that you’re learning the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) method. Whether you bring up the issue in therapy or not, gaining communication skills through CRAFT will help you better communicate and set boundaries with your husband regarding alcohol use.

Here are some of the CRAFT communication skills you will learn on this Allies in Recovery website, along with a few tips on how to set boundaries:

1. Using “I” Statements: Express your feelings and thoughts without blaming or criticizing your husband. For example, “I feel worried when I find alcohol in the car.”
2. Owning Your Own Piece in the Situation: Acknowledge your own feelings and reactions. This can help defuse tension and make the conversation more productive. For instance, “I realize I get anxious when I think about anyone drinking and driving.”
3. Making Empathetic Statements: Show understanding and empathy towards your husband’s situation. This can help him feel heard and respected. “I can see that you might be going through a tough time.”
4. Requesting He Limit His Drinking: Make a specific, respectful request regarding his drinking behavior. “I would appreciate it if you could limit your drinking, especially when driving.”
5. Assertively Noting and Commenting on His Behavior: Address his actions in a non-confrontational manner. Describe what you observe without directly accusing him. “I noticed a bottle of liquor in the car. It made me concerned about your safety.”
6. Setting Boundaries: Clearly describe what makes you uncomfortable and set boundaries around those behaviors. “I am uncomfortable with any drinking and driving. It’s important to me that we both stay safe.”
7. Offering to Help: Use this as another communication tool to show your support. “If you’re struggling, I’m here to help you find alternatives or support. Let’s work on this together.”

Bringing it all together it might sound something like this:

“I noticed a bottle of alcohol in the car. It made me concerned about your safety. I know you have been working on reducing your drinking. Can you share with me what’s happened?”

…to be followed up with:

“I can see that you might be going through a tough time. I realize that I get anxious when I think about someone drinking and driving. It’s important to me that we both stay safe, and I am requesting that there is no more driving after drinking. Let’s work on this together. I have a list of some resources and supports you might not have considered in the past. Would you be open to looking at them together?”

All these statements are short and to the point: that’s another CRAFT communication skill. Also, notice there are no “but” statements after making a point. This way of communicating is more compassionate, caring yet still assertive, and gives you the chance to set a boundary based on your needs and integrity.

These are just a few of the CRAFT skills you will learn on this website. You can learn to communicate your concerns more effectively, set clear boundaries, and maintain a supportive and empathetic approach by utilizing Allies’ eLearning modules, which contain videos, readings, and accompanying activities. Be sure to practice, practice, practice. And remember that you’ll have to assess over time which of these skills are most important and helpful for you and your Loved One (LO). Be prepared to make adjustments and get creative as you move forward.

In conclusion, while we can’t advise you specifically on whether to bring this issue up in a therapy appointment, we can help you prepare for these and other challenges in many ways, including by becoming a better communicator and strengthening your boundary-setting skills. These skills can help you and your LO find a more positive path.

We encourage you to spend time exploring this website and learning all that you can about the CRAFT method. We are hopeful for progress in a positive direction for both you and your husband. Please let us know how things progress and tell us if we can assist with anything else.

Laurie MacDougall