About This Whole “Engage When They’re Not Using” Business…
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If you’ve worked your way through Allies’ eLearning Modules, you’re already familiar with the concept: when our Loved One (LO) is using, we remove rewards and allow for natural consequences. When they’re not using, we reward them right away. But as member BRIGHTSIDE has been finding, the real-life timing can be a challenge. Laurie MacDougall reviews the fundamentals of this process, and shares ideas for getting creative when the lines seem blurred.
Hi, regarding Module 6 (My Loved One IS Using Right Now, Now What?): I understand that there is a before, during, and after, and that my reward removal is to disengage. My question is, since the time frame for “use” can be days, I am having a hard time navigating when to start engaging again. Especially when I can sense that my LO is still not in his “normal” head space. It affects my teen daughter when I am not speaking with Dad and stay in the bedroom in order to avoid his “using” cycle. I feel like I am not setting a good example for her. My LO interprets my avoidance as being in a mood and using the silent treatment as a weapon. Not sure what I am supposed to be doing different.
Hi BRIGHTSIDE,
These are questions I hear often about Module 6. Phrases like, “They are using all the time!” and “When does the time of use end?” are quite common. You’re not alone in this, and a quick review of Module 6 might help.
A few things to consider moving forward:
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Removing immediate rewards is different from using punishment to get a point across. Removing yourself and not engaging does not mean you have to be totally silent or locked away in a room. This method is not about punishing you or your LO (although at times it may feel that way). You’re just not going to have an engaging conversation or spend time in a shared activity until you reach a moment when they’ve not been using. For example, if you’ve made dinner and they come home and have been using, serve yourself and your daughter a plate and go outside and eat together. Put the rest of the food in the fridge, and your LO can take care of his own hunger needs.
Or take a walk with your daughter through the neighborhood and get some fresh air. There are lots of ways not to engage and still go about your day. Maybe go to the library and help your daughter with homework. If your LO tries to pull you back into conversation, saying something like, “Now is not the time; we’ll talk tomorrow about this,” or “I’m not up to a discussion right now; maybe tomorrow when I’m in a better headspace.”
These are the moments you can be compassionate and caring but still firm in your need for space when he’s been using. The goal is to have a stand-back stance but continue with your life as much as you can. Maybe think about things you and your daughter can do together?
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Non-use is not synonymous with being in a completely “normal” headspace. In other words, once your LO is up and moving again, it’s time to engage. But remember that the time not to engage includes the “hangover” stage. It might help to think about it as if you were out with a friend and they over imbibed. You might make sure they made it home safe and ended up in their bed, but you’d also recognize that this was not the time to have deep meaningful conversations.
Instead, it’s the time to let them deal with the difficult parts of drinking too much. They can get their own Tylenol and chicken soup and spend time worried about what they said or did the night before. This is allowing for natural consequences to have an effect. It’s letting them feel the pain of over imbibing and their related actions. The time to have that conversation is either later that day or sometime the next. They may still not be quite recovered, but they can engage and focus.
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There are always times of non-use, even though it can be difficult to find them. But it’s important to be clear on what CRAFT identifies as “times of use.” Those times are a) immediately before someone uses, when you’ll probably not be able to intervene; b) when they have already started using/drinking; and c) the recovery or “hangover” period after using/drinking. All three periods—just before, during, and the recovery phase afterward—are considered “times of use.”
Here’s the question to ask yourself: “Is this moment, right here and now, one of those times of use?” If not, then engage and reward, reward, reward. If they are using, then remove immediate rewards and allow for safe natural consequences. A reward doesn’t have to be big either. It could be a cup of coffee or positive words. It might sound something like, “I made coffee; would you like a cup? Let’s sit and chat. I love when we can have mornings together.”
If you are still struggling to find moments when your LO is not using, look for times when you might be able to disrupt the pattern of use for a little while. For example, if your LO drinks after dinner while watching TV, you might have an activity ready for the two (or three) of you to do to slow things down. Maybe a walk around the
neighborhood, or going out for an ice cream. “I was thinking that before sitting to watch TV, let’s take our daughter out for a cone. What do you think?” Chances are that after eating the ice cream and sitting down to watch TV, they will go back to drinking, but at least it’s a bit of time when the pattern has been disrupted.
A last thought: if your LO is truly using all the time, look for times when they are moderating or using less, and reward those moments with engagement. If that’s the case, remove immediate rewards in those moments when they’re visibly impaired.
Well, BRIGHTSIDE, I hope what I wrote here helps. I also hope that you stay on the bright side of things, because your work to help improve your family situation can only move you into a better space. Keep us in the loop as your efforts continue. We wish you much progress.
Laurie MacDougall
