When Stepping Back Is the Best Help You Can Give
Photo credit: Chepté Cormani
No one wants a Loved One to suffer. No one wants a Loved One to relapse. But in our worry about such possibilities, we can stumble into behaviors that stand in the way of change—behaviors that make problematic substance use easier for our Loved Ones than it otherwise would be. Fortunately, CRAFT can help us learn to offer support within our chosen boundaries: the kind of support that truly encourages progress.
Here at Allies in Recovery we’ve been coaching a member whose 70-year-old sister has been drinking most of her adult life. The member we’re working with is in her 60’s and had well-oiled communication habits in place with her sister who drinks, calling her every couple of days in the early evening.
Of course, this member’s intentions were nothing but good. She wanted to be there for her sister, to offer rock-solid support. Without meaning to, however, she was becoming an integral part of her sister’s drinking routine. We helped her see how she was inadvertently rewarding her sister—through her presence and listening, her showing up no matter what.
An alcohol problem typically deepens over time. The person gets sicker, drinking larger and larger quantities. Her sister was starting to do things she had never done before. Sometimes she was clearly drunk or headed that way during their calls.
Setting a boundary
Our member was in the habit of calling her sister around five or six in the evening. She could hear her sister sipping as they talked. Within an hour, her sister’s behavior would be different. She would be slurring her words and acting inebriated.
As a result of working through Allies’ eLearning CRAFT modules, the member realized that she couldn’t keep making those calls. She no longer wanted to participate (even at a distance) in her sister’s nightly drinking sessions.
So, she put her foot down, telling her sister, “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep having these phone calls with you while you’re drinking.” She managed to be firm and loving at the same time, sending an important message: I love you. I want to spend time with you. But I do not want to spend time with you when you’re drinking.
Almost immediately, her sister with substance use disorder (SUD) “disappeared”—giving no sign of life either by phone, message, or social media, and ghosting other friends as well. This went on for weeks.
Our member was of course concerned, and tempted to get in touch to see if everything was all right. But she resisted these urges, knowing that when we make even a tiny shift in our communication habits (or other habits) involving a Loved One (LO) with SUD, it sends out ripples. Other things begin to shift as well. We can expect different responses than those we’re used to.
Finally, someone in their circle called the police for a welfare check. When a LO has gone off the radar and you have reason to be concerned, the welfare check (or wellness check) is one solid way to find out if they’re safe while still allowing natural consequences to occur. It also allows the family member to remain at a distance for a while longer. We discuss natural consequences in eLearning Module 6. In this case, it turned out that the member’s sister was fine when the police checked in on her, even expressing surprise that she had caused her entourage any worry.
A new way of offering support
After three weeks, our member started reaching out to her sister again, but in a different way. Now, she aims for a time her sister isn’t likely to be drinking—earlier in the day, for example. She’s sticking to this boundary and extracting herself from her LO’s using-time.
We were really proud of our member for having the courage to make a small—but truly effective—shift with a behavior that was getting in the way. Before things changed, the older sister wasn’t experiencing any negative consequences from her younger sister for her ongoing drinking, because the latter would always stay on the call while she drank. Clearly, having her sister on the other end of the line for all those years had been a true reward. As such, it had also been an inadvertent encouragement to maintain the status quo.
Folks, this is Master Level CRAFT in action! It’s a great example of how stepping back and applying the skills of CRAFT allows us to see situations and dynamics we are part of. This in turn permits us to start identifying some of the problematic aspects of that dynamic, which we can then work on shifting.
Don’t expect them to love the changes
When you change even a small thing, be ready for a strong reaction. Our member changed her own behavior and gave her sister a brief explanation. Her LO got a consequence directly connected to her substance use. A boundary was set. Her LO ended up with the police knocking on her door (an additional consequence, from a calm and emotionally neutral source). And our member held on through the uncomfortable short-term consequences of her decision: no news, subsequent worry, etc.
It’s not uncommon for a disruption to happen when you change one—or several—behaviors with your Loved One. But if you know it’s coming, you won’t be so thrown off. As you work the CRAFT program, you’ll start shifting behaviors more often, and you’ll be more prepared for a bit of reaction or even backlash. Soon you’ll be dancing with the nuances of CRAFT.
Though small improvements can show up quickly, the big payoff often comes in the long run. It takes time to get there, but the steps along the way are positive in themselves: better boundaries, clearer communication, clear rewards for positive decisions or changes, more clarity for you and your Loved One. It’s an investment in strengthening your relationship, and when you experience a leap forward—perhaps a decision to seek treatment, or a notable decline in use—you’ll known how to support that development as well as celebrate it.
Practicing CRAFT is rarely easy, but it’s worth it
We sometimes forget that CRAFT is based on behaviorism, and that behaviorism is all about close observation. You have to look for the signs and be a step ahead when you see them coming. This allows you to cut them off at the pass, suggest something different. You really have to be thinking. Be prepared. Be observant.
Of course, none of us think very well in the midst of chaos: when you’re feeling scared or sensing danger, for example. In these situations, it’s impossible to do this CRAFT dance. So, when you change a small or large behavior, practice not getting caught up in those immediate, reactive, chaotic responses from others. Wait it out. Give them time to calm down. In the case of our member in this story, she waited three weeks.
Hold on as best you can. Wait for the change to come through. Remember that for your Loved One, your tiny shift may represent a significant change indeed.
Here, in summary, is what CRAFT advises in the effort to realize change:
- make an attempt
- stick to your boundaries
- recognize that you’ll have moments when it’s tempting to believe that only your presence or behavior is keeping your LO from using or doing something else that feels scary or alarming. It’s vital to anticipate this third point.
The too-close dance (the family member as rescuer) is super common, and super understandable. But through our own desire to help, we can actually make it easier for them to continue life patterns that support their substance use. We can stand in their way.
This pattern of constant presence can easily absorb all our energy. The addiction world doesn’t talk about this enough: how a person’s addiction swallows up the lives of the people around them. At Allies, our aim is to give you the CRAFT skills to pull yourself out of that, to find some tiny way(s) to put a wrench in the works. The potential is there for everything to get lighter, clearer. For you to get your breath back. And in doing so, you’re gently put the onus back on your Loved One.
Sometimes your Loved One needs not to be rescued
We also know that for families who have experienced a LO’s near-death, suicide attempt, or other dangerous behavior, it is really, really hard to sit still and just let things be for a little bit. A woman once told Dominique, “If I don’t go see her at her college every weekend, she’ll use.”
These feelings are completely understandable but also a sign that some distorted thinking is present. It is very common for families to experience this “illusion of control,” putting ourselves right in the center of the equation, as if we could magically orchestrate both behaviors and results. We imagine that what our LO does or doesn’t do is dependent on us, and that if we do the “right thing,” we’ll be able prevent them from using, keep them out of dangerous situations, and even save their lives.
In moments of crisis, Allies writer Laurie MacDougall encourages us to keep returning to the fact that we ultimately don’t have that control.
“I don’t always manage it myself,” she readily admits. “I sometimes go with old habits and old behaviors. This is OK. Be compassionate and forgiving with yourself.”
Her last point is a great one to close on. Kudos to each and every one of us who continues to hold up a compassionate mirror to the complex web of behaviors, feelings, habits and beliefs that exist around a Loved One’s substance use. CRAFT is there to keep us real, to help us with the daily minutiae (which aren’t actually so minute!) as well the big picture. It’s all important, all part of moving towards the same worthy goal.
This is brave, honorable, and heart-centered work. We salute you for being out there in the field.
