We Live in One Room. Is It Even Possible to Practice CRAFT?
Photo credit: Duong Nhân
Db and partner have a lot of land, but not a lot of home: most of the time, they and their dogs share a single country cabin. Db’s partner struggles with alcohol and marijuana, and it’s putting a strain on their relationship. The good news is that he’s aware that he has a problem—and that Db has committed to learning and practicing CRAFT. Laurie MacDougall offers guidelines for self-care, stepping away during use, and stepping in with rewards at the right moment.
Do you have any tips for doing negative reinforcement when you live in small quarters? My partner and I have a place in the country where we spend most of our time. Our living area is basically a one-room studio. We do have 20 acres. During the day it’s easy for me to occupy myself and go on walks with the dogs or bike rides or do projects. We love to cook and usually my partner does the cooking.
The evenings are when the drink and marijuana get used the most (although sometimes he starts cracking beers in the afternoon). I find it hard to be away since often I am helping cook, but no matter what, we are in the same room as each other. If I try and remove my attention it feels like the silent treatment. Or I just end up watching TV. We also have a place in town, but we have renters in the basement so we don’t like to bring the dogs there if we can help it. So it’s usually me going out there to see him and the dogs. And most of our friends are over an hour away in town. We have spent the last two years remodeling the basement in town in order to rent it out, but that meant lots of projects and lots of overtime at work (I am a flight attendant so I travel a lot). We both got into a grumpy rut where it didn’t feel possible to even have fun. I am crawling out of it.
My partner has a lot going on (including an estate battle after his father’s death, and a mom and stepdad who also have drinking problems). He has voiced that he knows he has a problem but waffles between wanting to work on it and wanting to be a “functioning alcoholic.” He has started exercising a little more and is making slightly more effort in the relationship. I can tell he’s waffling around wishes and dips.
I just found CRAFT and have been pouring over all the resources. It feels hopeful to not fight as much and to refocus on my own health. But I still get caught in rumination and hurt about the ways he is still lacking, and angry at things he says when he gets hurt in our fights. I am wondering how to navigate my feelings better, take space for myself, and negatively reinforce by removing myself—all while we’re in a one-room cabin.
Hi Db,
You have quite a few positives in your situation. You’ve found CRAFT and are actively working through it to make a difference. Additionally, you’re aware that it’s your responsibility to work on your own feelings, and you’re trying to remove immediate rewards when your partner drinks or uses marijuana. These are significant steps forward.
Tight quarters and SUD: yep, that’s a challenge
Learning how to calm your own system down when ruminating thoughts set in will help you use these CRAFT skills and strategies more effectively. This is likely one of the most difficult aspects of your situation, but it sounds like you’ve started to figure out what might work for you. Take the time to explore Allies Module 7, which covers how to start calming and regulating your system when your emotions and thoughts are thrown into a whirlwind. We call it CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) light.
Clearly, you’re feeling trapped in a small space, making it difficult to remove immediate rewards (such as your presence). Sounds like it feels to you as if you’re punishing him, and maybe yourself, rather than removing immediate rewards. To make this more bearable, consider finding activities that soothe and entertain you during these times. Perhaps have a good book ready, take a relaxing bath, or engage in a hobby you enjoy. This may seem very basic—but how often do we neglect to look for things that make us feel better? Activities that soothe your soul can help you to manage your emotional turmoil. This should help your efforts feel less like punishment, and empower you to better implement the strategies you’re learning.
You might also consider preparing yourself a meal and eating separately if your partner is drinking too much while cooking dinner. This subtle action can serve as a form of removing immediate rewards without feeling harsh. Additionally, you could explore the possibility of renting a space of your own in town. This could provide you with a retreat where you can regain your strength and improve your effectiveness in removing immediate rewards when necessary.
He knows things aren’t right. That’s encouraging.
It’s also encouraging that your partner is expressing wishes and dips. Waffling back and forth is a sign of ambivalence, where two conflicting ideas coexist. When you notice a wish or dip, it’s a prime opportunity to intervene with understanding statements and open-ended questions. For instance, you might say, “What I’m hearing is that you’re frustrated with drinking too much and want to slow it down. Can you tell me more about that?” Then listen with genuine curiosity and understanding. Follow up with something like, “What is a step you might be able to take over the next week to help you reach your goal?”
The CRAFT dance step: forward, back, forward
Creating an emotional boundary during arguments, especially when he starts hurting you with angry words, is vital. The goal is to not engage in those heated moments; engaging rewards his behavior. Disengaging when things become heated and making space to calm your system down are crucial. So is rewarding those moments when he’s putting effort into the relationship: that’s when you can step up with some genuine, positive engagement. Focus and reward any positive behavior you’d like to see repeated—that new exercise program he’s trying, for instance. This approach allows you to focus on the positive, protect yourself from emotional hurt, and remove rewards when his behavior is difficult.
Finding space when living in a one-room cabin is undoubtedly challenging, and calming your system down is tough. However, by being creative, exploring the skills and strategies outlined on this Allies website, and continuing your current path, progress is possible. And remember that everything written here is meant as suggestions. You are the expert in your situation and will have to find what works for you and your partner.
I know that none of this is easy, but you are clearly dedicated and care about your partner. Relationships are hard work, each with its unique challenges. Please keep us updated on your journey, and we wish you and your partner the best.
Laurie MacDougall
