It Feels Like Nothing Works With Him

Elaine‘s son is back in the hospital, in a routine that’s become all too familiar to his parents. They’ve tried to help in many ways, but the health crises and the drug use that leads to them don’t seem to be changing, and Elaine’s begun to doubt they ever will. Laurie MacDougall gently challenges this idea. While a Loved One’s life isn’t ours to change, our own words, feelings, and behavior are. Allies in Recovery is committed to helping us learn to take control of these, and thereby give our Loved Ones the most effective support we can.

My 28-year-old son is back in the hospital for the third time with a blood infection. He goes back to his same living situation in a drug-infested house. He has no job and expects me to pay for anything he needs. We bought him a phone four months ago…now he says it’s broken and he wants another. I try to help him find work, I give him rides to the methadone clinic. I try to convince him to go to a halfway house. Nothing ever works. I keep hoping that this time he will realize he needs to change his lifestyle, but I’m not hopeful.

Hi Elaine,

Your short post is packed with an incredible amount of information. It reveals patterns of behavior for all parties involved—your son, you, and your husband. It reveals how you are feeling and thinking, and your behavior and response to your son. There’s also insight into your son’s thoughts and feelings.

Being stuck in a continuous chaotic cycle with our Loved Ones (LOs) can make us feel helpless, and indeed hopeless that anything will ever change. It’s all jumbled together and may feel like there is no solution. I would like to look at each aspect of your post and make a few suggestions. Even the tiniest crack may lead to a break in the pattern

The Allies modules were made for those in your situation

You wrote, “Nothing ever works.” You’re so not alone in having such thoughts; I hear them from so many families. I am hoping, though, that I can challenge you to think about what this means and consider that some of the CRAFT skills you implement may actually work, even if their positive impact is not completely clear in the moment.

A first thought: how about watching the very first video in Module 4 (How Do I Talk to My Loved One?) and doing the accompanying activity? Even better, combine it with the first video in Module 7 (What Do I Do When Difficult Feelings Get in the Way?). Because reducing negative talk is part of addressing “awfulizing,” you can start working on both skills at the same time. The added benefit to these two strategies is that it will help you start to focus less on the negative and more to the positive.

After watching that no-negative-talk video countless times, I realized that it’s really telling us to be quiet and listen, listen, listen. That may seem easy, but after you watch the video, challenge yourself to cut out all negative talk for at least a week. It may sound straightforward, but it’s no easy task. Negative talk includes begging, pleading, trying to convince through logic and analysis, providing statistics, etc. So basically, listen.

Healing begins when a person feels heard

Reflective listening is a strong communication tool. Learning how to listen and dropping the negative talk as much as possible are the first steps in learning to use it. Reflective listening can help deescalate tense conversations, help your LO feel heard, and give them the space to do their own problem solving. It can help to build on the relationship between you and your LO. After practicing no-negative-talk, you might want to watch the video on reflective listening and practice that for a while as well.

Negative talk is also a part of “awfulizing,” as outlined in Module 7. When we focus on words like never, can’t, won’t (so often out of love, fear, and frustration) and don’t find ways of calming our thoughts and feelings, it can leave us feeling desperate and hopeless, with no idea where to turn. I know this is going to sound crazy, but it is in these very challenging moments that learning how to gently deescalate your own emotions and thoughts can change how situations progress.

So take a break. Let your emotions and thoughts flood in. Don’t fight them; just acknowledge them and recognize that they have a purpose. Then, in a calmer moment, introduce alternative thoughts. What can I let go of? What is his to manage, and what is mine? What do I have control over? Is what I am doing now helping to make change? What am I feeling right now? How can I take care of those feelings so that I can respond in more effective ways?

When you say that “nothing ever works…”

…it makes me want to know what exactly you mean. Does it mean that your LO did not do what you wanted them to do? What about changing your expectations of what your efforts will result in?

With each new skill you implement, it’s important to understand your goals. If trying to convince your LO to move into better living conditions is not working, stop trying to convince him. Instead, work on building better communication between you and your LO. Maybe the goal at first is just implementing a new communication skill. Are you able to reduce or eliminate negative talk for a week? If you have, it worked! Then add in another communication strategy. Try to redirect your focus away from your LO’s behavior and toward practicing and strengthening your own skills.

Here’s a little something to let bounce around in your head:  if you change something up, your LO will also have to change something up. If you identify one item you’re not willing to pay for anymore (and this is just an example, not a recommendation), your LO will either have to learn to live without it or find a way to pay for it on his own.

Because in one sense, it’s true: nothing will ever work if we don’t change something in the pattern. No matter how difficult the situation, we often become comfortable with our reactions to it. We are quickly relieved of our own triggers and at least we know what will happen; we can count on the pattern. This can create a false sense of control over the situation.

It‘s really scary to change things and not know what the result will be—especially when dealing with substance use disorder. So grab ahold of the one thing you do have control over: your own behavior and responses. In a very pointed and directed way, you can target which part of your behavior can be altered, and affect change. Start with something concrete (like no negative talk) and practice just that for a while. If we combine such a concrete goal with self-care, we can direct our focus away from the purely negative and bring a little bit of calm and peace to our lives.

After practicing these two skills and reflective listening, continue with the rest of the communication strategies outlined in Module 4. Move on to other CRAFT skills, baby-step by baby-step. Watch the videos and practice the accompanying activities. Become empowered!

I would also encourage you to take advantage of all that Allies has to offer. Don’t overlook our support groups page. In the REST educational groups, there is a lot of brainstorming and activities to help you strengthen and implement the CRAFT skills you’re learning in the modules. Kayla Solomon’s group provides clinical support. Both of these provide support and encouragement from other family members in similar situations. There are office hours for one-on-one support, Monday and Thursday skills training, and so much more. Through the Allies website, you can create a robust program for yourself and get creative about making changes in your situation.

There is so much more I would love to share with you, but I have already covered quite a bit and don’t want it to be too overwhelming. Please keep us updated on your progress. We are here to support you, Elaine. You are not alone.