We Talk About Everything. Should That Include My Plans To Withdraw When He Drinks?

Photo credit: Robert Gomes

The CRAFT approach to supporting a Loved One with substance use disorder isn’t something we necessarily have to hide. True, it may not be easy—or sometimes even possible—to explain to our Loved Ones all the ways we’re trying to support them and strengthen the relationship. But sometimes (as with member Vb and her husband) communication is already open and positive. In such cases, says Allies writer Laurie MacDougall, letting our Loved One know why we’re taking difficult steps can be highly beneficial. And when children are involved, as in Vb’s case, good communication is vital in a whole other way.

Hello. I have completed all of the Modules—I binged the ebooks in the first 24 hours! This content is very helpful and also turned out feeling surprisingly intuitive for someone with a strong background in applied behavior analysis. I would love to join the free training associated with the 10 day challenge. I want to support and positively influence my Loved One while also caring for myself. I feel like this program is what I’ve been looking for.

On that note, I have a question about program implementation:

My husband is my Loved One with substance use. He and I are very connected and have a strong relationship; however, alcohol certainly interferes. We have two young children who see his overuse daily. He begins drinking every evening after work. He drinks approximately a 12-case of beer daily, sometimes more or less. The kids don’t yet recognize the symptoms of him being drunk or hung over. They do talk about the fact that he is frequently drinking (recently my six- year-old said: Why does he like beer so much? and Why does he always have to stop for beer everywhere we go?).

Right now, he is working on “alcohol free” (AF) days using the Reframe app for support (including meetings, and his own course modules). On days when he is not AF or moderating appropriately, I’d like to try withdrawing myself and the kids. I read this Allies post which strongly resonates.

Does this mean that I should tell him that we plan to leave when he is drinking? I expect that this will disrupt some of the harmony in our home, as he will not like this (we are not in danger, but it will cause discord in our relationship). Would you recommend I communicate this change in my boundaries and expectations in advance? Do I tell him about CRAFT and the goals? I can’t imagine just quietly withdrawing with the kids without talking to him about why I am doing this first. Plus, I expect I need to talk to the kids about it too (as is recommended in the article). I also know he will not appreciate me telling the girls that he is “ill” when he drinks. Or talking to them about it at all. They are two and six. This feels really sticky. I’d love advice on navigating.

We have the kind of relationship where we usually discuss everything and make decisions together. CRAFT is something I’ve chosen on my own for me and our family, and I don’t want that to come as an affront, but I think that we need it. I’m proud of him for starting Reframe. This is something I can see now that I suggested in a “dip.” (And it worked! But it’s not the first dip in which he’s started something good and quit). I want now to manage his moderation using more tools from CRAFT.

Thanks for this program and your support.

Hi Vb,

It’s clear that you’re facing a challenging situation, and your desire to address it thoughtfully and constructively is commendable. Here’s a detailed response to your query, considering your family’s dynamics and the strategies from the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach:

Communicating Boundaries and Expectations

1. Discuss in Advance. I love that you want to discuss your thoughts with your husband and include him in figuring things out. And yes, it’s generally beneficial to communicate your boundaries and expectations in advance. Since you and your husband have a relationship where you discuss everything, approaching this topic similarly might help maintain that level of communication. Let him know that you support his efforts to stay alcohol-free but need to set certain boundaries for the well-being of your children and yourself.
2. Explain the Reasons. When you discuss your plan with him, explain why you are considering withdrawing with the kids when he drinks. Emphasize that this is a way to protect the children from the negative effects of his drinking.

You’re right that being assertive about caring for the kids and setting boundaries might initially disrupt some of the peace. Often, though, when things settle on the other side, there is meaningful change. With a compassionate approach, people feel heard and supported and can often weather the storm.

Keep a sharp eye on your kids’ well-being.

The most important point in all of this is that the children be supported. It’s clear they are aware that something important is going on with their dad.

Finding professional help to guide you and your husband on how to best address this situation is crucial. A counselor can help you find the right words and language to speak with your children. When looking for a family therapist, having a plan in mind can be very helpful. Let the counselor know you are using the CRAFT approach and that you are specifically seeking ways to support your children.

Whatever way you choose to communicate with your children, it’s essential to help them understand that his alcohol use is not their fault, and that they are deeply loved by both Mom and Dad. With that said, here are a couple of thoughts on how you might talk with your children about their dad’s drinking.

Navigating the Discussion with Children:

1. For your six-year-old, you can have a simple and honest conversation. Explain that sometimes when Daddy drinks beer, he doesn’t feel well and it’s better for everyone to take a break. You can avoid labeling him as “ill” and focus on the behavior and its impact.
2. Keep it simple for the two-year-old: For your younger child, keeping explanations very basic and related to immediate actions (e.g., “We’re going to the park now”) is usually sufficient.

It’s true that removing immediate rewards (and a powerful reward is interacting and engaging with you and the kids) might be disruptive to the relationship at first. But doing so is also a boundary that could motivate your husband to moderate or even eliminate his alcohol use. To balance out removing rewards and allowing for natural consequences, be sure to reward those moments when your Loved One is not drinking. These strategies are outlined in Modules 5 and 6 and work in tandem. It might sound like this:

I know you were planning to take the kids to the library tonight. I’m uncomfortable when there is drinking and driving, especially with the kids in the car. I’ll take them tonight.

Then leave, and maybe plan a discussion for a time when he is not drinking, outlining your needs concerning driving and the children’s safety. And then, when there is a time your LO is not drinking:

Hey, let’s take the kids out together for ice cream. I love these times when we can go out as a family and there hasn’t been any drinking.

Things to Consider when Strategizing:

1. Plan activities. Have specific activities planned for when you need to withdraw with the kids. This can help make the transition smoother and provide positive distractions.
2. Stay Calm and Consistent. When implementing your boundaries, do so calmly and consistently. If he reacts negatively, try to remain composed. Remind him that this approach is about supporting everyone’s well-being.
3. Positive Reinforcement. Continue to use positive reinforcement for his alcohol-free times and his efforts to moderate. Recognize and celebrate small successes to encourage him.

I know that these examples might not fit your situation perfectly. But the wonderful thing about CRAFT is that it’s a structure you can adjust and adapt. Learn the skills, get creative, and find what works for you. We’re delighted that you’re embracing the CRAFT approach, and would like to remind you that the whole community, and all the resources of Allies in Recovery, are here to help. We wish you and your family strength and success as you grow and navigate his recovery journey together.

Laurie MacDougall