Does This Story Have An Ending?
Photo credit: winningwalk.org
Allies member Bestillmyheart has been with her husband 40 years, supporting him as he struggles with alcohol use. That struggle led her to CRAFT, and more recently to Allies in Recovery. But the effort to find CRAFT-savvy treatment providers has been exhausting. Laurie MacDougall offers guidance for helping your LO approach the question of treatment with eyes wide open, whether or not the provider is versed in CRAFT.
Hello. I am new to this site but not to the concept. I have dealt with my husband’s alcohol dependence for a long time. We have been married over 40 years. During a rough time a few years ago, I found the books Get Your Loved One Sober and Beyond Addiction. I also discovered SMART Recovery. I learned and worked through the CRAFT approach and was excited about it. I learned to deal with my own anxiety better, and our communication improved. Twice I was able to get to the point of him agreeing that he needed help.
This is where things fell apart. We were never able to find any treatment option that was familiar with CRAFT. Each time, I was not able to get past the front door, and things turned out bad. I felt like if I could just be part of initial talks—for example, to reinforce the discussions we had had—but each time he shut down and left/relapsed within a short time. I feel like he was never able to form a connection with anyone.
So I feel depleted. Like I worked so hard on this, but even in the intro video you state, “The purpose is to get your Loved One (LO) into treatment.” I feel like it’s a fairy tale, expecting a happily-ever-after. Like I’m supposed to hand him over to someone at some point, but that place or person doesn’t exist. I was glad to find your site, with all my learning from the books, etc. I felt like, “Wait, I have a question, who do I ask?”
Hello Bestillmyheart,
Thank you for sharing your experience and reaching out for guidance. It’s clear you’ve invested significant effort and dedication into understanding and applying the CRAFT approach to support both your own personal and your husband’s recovery journeys. I also understand your frustration and feelings of depletion after not finding treatment options aligned with CRAFT.
CRAFT was originally designed as a 12-week program, including sessions with a clinician, or to be utilized until your LO entered treatment. At Allies in Recovery, we’ve expanded the clinical CRAFT model to one that goes well beyond your LO entering treatment, because the journey doesn’t begin or end there. We at Allies believe that CRAFT skills and strategies are powerful and well-proven psychological principles that can be used across the entire recovery process and with all relationships you engage with in life. Learning CRAFT can be transformational for you. While you might not be able to see it now, that learning is also a form of self-care.
The goal of the Allies in Recovery program is to learn and practice CRAFT-based skills until they become second nature, and thus accessible in all your communications. Surveys of our members show that the effectiveness of learning and practicing these skills goes far beyond our LOs entering treatment.
Here are some key points to consider:
- Your role is to support and encourage your husband, but walking into treatment and getting help is ultimately his responsibility. Genuine listening with curiosity and for understanding is a powerful, often underutilized, tool. Maybe notice his behavior and then ask him what his needs are to help him get through the door to treatment. This encourages his agency. For example, you might say:
I am really encouraged by the fact that you are reaching out for help and willing to give some of these options a try. I can see that actually getting through the door is difficult. What’s going on when you get there? What are you thinking? What are you feeling?
Listen, reflect back aloud, and then ask questions that may lead him to his own solutions. Offer to help.
What do you think might help take some of your anxiety down? Would it help if I walked in with you?
Now, there may be cries of “No!” He may say this won’t work. Or it might get him through the door next time. Keep going back and asking him,
Where do you see things going if they stay on the path they’re on now? What are some steps that can be taken today to change direction?
- Addiction, and coping with it, are ongoing processes. There is no “send them off to treatment and they come back all better.” This is why we’ve developed applied CRAFT, building on the original model to support long-term care.
- Recovery is an individualized and personal journey. The examples I’ve provided above are just suggestions. Adjust and mold them into a strategy that fits your unique situation.
I have written in the past about finding treatment options that align with the CRAFT philosophy. If you’d like to read more about finding treatment that aligns with CRAFT, please click here.
Finally, I hope you’ll trust your intuition. Because you’re right: there really is no handing your LO over to someone or someplace for a magical cure. While this journey is challenging and long-term, the skills and strategies you’ve learned and will continue to learn deeply can make a significant difference. Your perseverance and dedication are so very commendable, and we’re here to support you every step of the way.
Warm regards,
Laurie MacDougall
