We Can Guess How She’ll Respond to Our Boundary. Should We Stick With It Anyway?
Photo credit: The Waldorf Essentials
Kkimmons and her husband have just made a tough decision: they’ve barred their 19-year-old daughter from using the family car for work, knowing that she’s using the cash she earns to buy heroin. The daughter is pushing back, saying that she’s not yet ready for treatment and will not succeed until she is. Should they give in a little, they wonder, or hold fast to their boundary? Laurie MacDougall notes that they alone must decide. But she also asks a vital question: what conditions create the best motivation for change?
After a very hard weekend, we told our 19-year-old daughter that we would support her in getting help, but we couldn’t support her by letting her use our car to DoorDash, since she is using that money to buy heroin and bringing it in our house. She said that we were forcing her to go to rehab and that she just isn’t ready yet, although she’s getting closer to agreeing to go. And that if she’s forced, it will just be the same as last time, where she started using again once she got out (she did 12 days in rehab and was asked to leave for sneaking pot into the facility).
This was a new boundary that I set because she got verbally and physically abusive on Friday (she was starting to have symptoms of withdrawals and I wouldn’t give her money), went into withdrawals on Friday night after taking her first dose of Suboxone and we went to the ER, and then we found heroin in her room on Saturday night.
So, my question is, do I stick with this boundary, knowing that if she doesn’t have money, she will go through withdrawals and may go to rehab just to medically detox? Or do I allow her to use the car to DoorDash some, knowing that she’ll use the money to buy drugs, and hope that we can continue to have rehabs ready to show her when she is actually ready to go on her own?
Hi Kkimmons,
It sounds like Mom and Dad have been putting in the work to learn CRAFT skills. Kudos to you both! This is just a testament to how much you love her, and she may not believe it yet, but she is blessed to have you as parents. I love that you are setting a boundary and tackling a tough one.
Those boundaries basics
Let me outline a few things that might help you in your process, especially around the question of setting a boundary:
- Boundaries are yours, so they are your responsibility to manage.
- Boundaries determine your behavior, not your Loved One’s.
- Your Loved One’s possible behavior as a result of the boundary should not determine whether to set the boundary or not.
- Set boundaries that you can follow through on, with consequences you can manage.
- Don’t set a boundary if you don’t think you can manage it (take your own sanity into account) or if it’s not safe for all involved. Safety first.
Various things can be difficult to anticipate when creating and setting boundaries, but one thing we should expect is that our Loved One will push back. This is tough. We don’t know what form the pushback may take. In your case, it sounds like your daughter is trying to get you to loosen the circumstances under which she can use your car. She wants to DoorDash and make some money.
How about trying to hold to your boundary and use what was outlined above as a guide? Let’s lay out what this might look like:
- Safety and sanity: When she has access to cash, she usually buys more heroin and uses. She also might use the car to go and purchase her drugs and use them. She might even use and drive. All unsafe situations.
- Control over the car: As she pointed out, you cannot force her to stop using. You know you don’t have control over her (I’m sure everyone tells you this), but one thing you do have control over is use of the car. You have just decided how the car can be used. You are controlling what you can, and making a difference where you can.
- Statement to your daughter: She claims that you are trying to force her into treatment by limiting her use of the car. While you may wish she would go into treatment, remember that this is not about controlling her. It’s more about setting safe and reasonable conditions. You might say to her, “I know I can’t control whether you use or not, and I know I cannot force you into treatment. All I can do is let you know the circumstances under which I would feel comfortable letting you use the car. If you attend an Intensive Outpatient Treatment and complete the program and find a long-term therapist, then we would be willing to talk about the use of the car.”
Turning the conversation away from being punitive to incentivizing the use of the car can give her motivation to take steps towards her own hopes and wishes. What would you think about letting her use the car if she got another job that had direct deposit? An open and genuine discussion, letting her know your concerns for her safety, is your focus.
Families often struggle to take this stance because they worry their Loved One will continue to use regardless. And yes, that is a real possibility with substance use disorder (SUD). When I have had to face these fears, I’ve asked myself questions like, “Am I prepared to face what might happen?” and/or, “Is my Loved One already on a path and going to use no matter what I do?” This is where my own sanity comes into consideration and your sanity is important. If you do not feel you can follow through on this boundary because of your own worry and angst, then this might not be the boundary for you. I would encourage you to look for a more “baby step” boundary. Something you know you can follow through on.
How does lasting change begin?
I also would like to address the topic of “readiness.” Here’s a question to ponder: when are people motivated to change? Is it when they are comfortable with the status quo? Or is it when they are uncomfortable in their situation, or when there is some kind of better reward on the other side of change?
Research and experience show that when people are comfortable in a situation and count on it staying the same, there is no motivation to change anything. Motivation for change occurs when something becomes painful or disrupts life, and/or there’s something better to reach for.
With that in mind, here are some questions to consider: do you think her trying to convince you to give her the car and let her DoorDash is an expression of her discomfort? Isn’t the goal to have our LOs eventually learn how to deal with their own discomfort? Doesn’t it make sense that she might try anything to get you to restore a situation she was comfortable with? Is it reasonable to expect her to cope with her feelings right off the bat, or is this going to take some time and consistency?
Discomfort and positive anticipation
Her feeling of readiness in this moment is not your only data point. There are two powerful factors that contribute to a person’s motivation to change. It’s a combination of (1) when her using becomes difficult and disrupts her ability to live her life and (2) the lure of something rewarding to her. Taken together, these factors can provide real motivation to change.
Her pleading to use the car is a sign that her substance use is becoming difficult for her and disrupting her ability to live life as she wishes. Now is the time to try to identify positive incentives, to show her the payoff (use of the car, and perhaps more than just that) if she engages in some sort of activity that helps her improve on her health and wellness, such as a treatment program and counseling. Again, you cannot force her, and she might not take you up on it right away. But you’ll be planting a seed, getting her to think about better possibilities. This is exactly the strategy outlined in Allies’ Modules 5 and 6.
Better communication is a skill worth learning
All of this is incredibly difficult to do, and often quite painful for all parties involved. It’s essential, therefore, to get the balance right: use the communication strategies in Module 4 to express what you are willing and unwilling to do in a compassionate and caring way, while still sticking to your values. One point I would like to stress from this communication-focused module is to keep it short and specific. This will help cut down on the arguing. It also makes things easily managed and measurable. It might sound something like this:
“Dad and I have decided that the car is not to be used for DoorDashing. If you find another job, we are more than willing to drive you to it, or we can consider the use of the car.”
She may argue, or try to get you to explain why. You can reply with something simple:
“I know it’s our worry and anxiety, but we are uncomfortable with the access to cash. I know you’re feeling unhappy about this. Nevertheless, this is the decision that Dad and I have made.”
Keeping it short reduces the amount of arguing she can engage in—you’re just giving her fewer openings. It’s a good idea to keep a list of words or phrases handy that might help you stick to the boundary: “Regardless, Dad and I have decided… Nevertheless, this is what we’re comfortable with…We’ve decided to stick to what we’re comfortable with.”
As for the IOP treatment, she may claim that it will be just like last time, and maybe it will. But you can be clear that she has to complete the IOP and be seeing a counselor long-term to get the use of the car back. Bringing pot into treatment and only completing 12 days is not enough. It’s up to her to do it, and up to you to stick to the boundary.
Of course, all the things I’ve outlined here are just suggestions. I am not able to tell you whether you should stick to your boundary or not (though again, it’s best to set a boundary you foresee being able to stick to). I can give examples, share experiences, and show some guidelines to consider. But what will work best is for you to determine. You are the experts in your situation, and only you know all the details you have to consider in order to use your CRAFT skills.
But also, please remember that you are always welcome in the Allies in Recovery community, and that we are here to support you in any way we can. Just reach out—with more questions, or for the many other resources on this site.
Wishing you and your family strength and success as you navigate this journey toward a healthier and more harmonious future.
Laurie MacDougall
