Feeling Empowered and Hopeful as an Ally to My Boyfriend

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Allies member somethingxpretty wrote in to share news of her boyfriend who is in early recovery from an alcohol problem she wasn’t aware of when their relationship began. Somethingxpretty has discovered CRAFT and feels confident, having found through the Allies site “the most empathetic way to provide support” to her Loved One. But experience tells us that recovery is a long journey with many a twist and turn. We should expect future challenges, even as we’re hopeful about progress to come. Allies’ CRAFT-based training is about being best prepared for both.

I’ve completed the 10-day challenge. I’d also like to thank y’all for all the information I need to help my boyfriend stay in recovery, and how to approach things if he happens to relapse this time. I was unaware he had an alcohol problem until he went on a 5-day bender and spoke with his brother about it. This isn’t the first time he’s been through detox and gone into recovery, but I think he can completely abstain and stay in recovery since he’d been given ultimatums before. He chose to go this time, and with support, he can live an alcohol-free life. I wouldn’t know the most empathetic way to provide that support without CRAFT.

Dear Somethingxpretty,

First, I want to say how inspiring it is to hear about your commitment to your boyfriend’s recovery and your dedication to completing the 10-day challenge. I can feel the love and care you have for him through your words, and that’s such a powerful foundation for the journey you’re both on.

Navigating expectations: a journey for you both

It’s natural to feel a mix of hope and uncertainty right now. You’ve already shown so much strength by standing by him and learning how best to support him through CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). The fact that you’re thinking ahead about how to handle a possible relapse and how to be there for him is a testament to your resilience and your commitment to his well-being.

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that recovery is not a straight line. It’s a winding road with its own set of challenges and victories, many of them unexpected. That your boyfriend chose to seek help this time is fantastic. What a testament to his deep desire to change and take control of his life! But again, recovery is an ongoing process. There may be well setbacks. The good news is that such moments don’t define him or his potential for a full, meaningful life without alcohol.

Supporting him while honoring your own needs

One of the most beautiful yet challenging aspects of this journey is balancing your support for him with taking care of yourself. I know how easy it is to pour all your energy into helping someone you love, but it’s also essential to keep your own well-being in mind. You mentioned that this isn’t his first time in recovery. That history might bring up fears or doubts about what lies ahead, and that’s perfectly OK. Your feelings are valid, and they matter.

CRAFT gives you tools not only to support him but also to take care of yourself in the process. It’s about finding that delicate balance where you can be there for him without losing sight of your own needs. This might mean setting gentle but firm boundaries, not to control him but to protect your own heart. For example, instead of delivering an ultimatum, you might express your needs in a way that invites conversation and mutual understanding. You could say something along the lines of, “I’m here for you, and I want to see you healthy and happy. It’s important to me that you’re taking steps to care for yourself, and I’d love to support you in any way I can.”

These kinds of conversations can be tough, but they also open the door to deeper connection and trust. By sharing your needs and listening to his, you’re building a relationship based on respect and understanding, rather than fear or control.

Expect the unexpected in his recovery

One thing that really stood out to me in your message was your hope that this time will be different because he chose to go into recovery on his own. That’s a powerful shift, and it’s something to hold onto. But as you move forward, it’s important to remember that his recovery may not look exactly like you expect. As I mentioned above, there may be moments when he struggles or when things don’t go as planned. That’s OK. It doesn’t mean he’s not making progress.

Recovery often brings to the surface the very reasons someone turned to substances in the first place. Without alcohol, your boyfriend might confront emotions or past experiences that he’s been avoiding for a long time. This can be overwhelming for both of you. He might not always communicate in ways that feel productive or kind. He might withdraw at times, or struggle with basic routines. This is all part of the process, and it’s something you can navigate together.

I want to reassure you that it’s normal to feel uncertain or even scared at times. But remember, you’re not alone in this. The skills you’ve learned through CRAFT are tools you can use to help guide him—and yourself—through these challenging moments. And it’s OK to ask for help, whether that’s through counseling, support groups, or just leaning on friends and loved ones.

Growth, together and individually

One of the most transformative aspects of this journey is the way it invites both of you to grow—not just as individuals but as partners. CRAFT isn’t just about helping your loved one get sober; it’s about creating a healthier, more fulfilling life for both of you. As you continue to practice these skills, you’ll find that they not only help in your relationship with your boyfriend but also enrich all of your relationships.

As you’ve probably noticed, this process also asks you to reflect on your own actions and reactions. It’s an opportunity to look inward and ask, “How can I be the best version of myself in this relationship? What can I do to contribute to a healthier dynamic?” This kind of self-reflection is challenging, but it’s also incredibly empowering. You’re not just waiting for your boyfriend to change; you’re actively working to create a better life for yourself, too.

You can do this. And we’ll be with you all the way.

I want you to know how much I admire your courage and your commitment to this process. The fact that you’ve taken the time to learn about CRAFT, to think about how to best support your boyfriend, and to prepare yourself for whatever comes next is a huge step. It shows that you’re not just in this for the short term—you’re in it for the long haul, and that’s something to be proud of.

Please remember that you don’t have to do this alone. The Allies in Recovery community is here for you, offering resources, support, and a listening ear whenever you need it. You’ve already come so far, and with each step, you’re moving closer to a life filled with more peace, understanding, and love.

Keep going, and know that you’re making a difference—not just in your boyfriend’s life, but in your own.

Note: Member somethingxpretty’s comment also inspired an Allies “Coming Up for Air” podcast episode, which you can listen to here.