I Did Something Wrong…Right?

Photo credit: Karolina Kaboompics

Conflict, blame, misunderstanding: if you have a LO struggling with SUD, chances are that you (like member Nanny) are familiar with all three. Naturally these unpleasant experiences can lead us to question our approach. But they shouldn’t necessarily convince us that we’re on the wrong path—change is tough, after all. The key, explains Laurie MacDougall, is to evaluate both what went well and what needs improving. CRAFT offers dependable tools and insights for such evaluation.

I’m just learning about CRAFT. I think I approached my daughter wrong! She didn’t come home the other night. She came home last night, and today I could smell alcohol when I went into her room! I approached her and told her I loved her and knew she had relapsed and asked what we could do to help her! She denied it, and of course I became the bad guy. I obviously didn’t do it right. I’ve been reading and joined AiR. I need to talk to someone!

Hi Nanny,

Clearly you have been to Module 4 (How Do I Talk To My Loved One?) and begun to experiment with new communication skills and strategies. Kudos to you! This is exactly the process of learning. I know, I know: you might feel like things did not go so well because your daughter’s response was not what you expected or hoped for. But just trying in a conscious and informed way is a success!

There’s no one-size-fits-all way to do this

It’s important to keep in mind that this is not about doing things “right” or “wrong;” this is about trying things out, practicing, adjusting, and trying again.

A few things to keep in mind about the communication skills and strategies you will learn on this website:

• A large percentage of communication is the tone of your voice, body language, and facial expressions. Depending on how we say them, the same words can deliver a different message with an infinite number of implications and undertones.
• People often get confused by what it means to communicate in a compassionate and understanding way. Sometimes people think it’s just saying nice things. Don’t be fooled, it is not this. Learning CRAFT communication skills will help you manage your side of those difficult conversations much more effectively. Of course we can’t expect our Loved Ones (LOs) to change how they communicate just because we have: these new skills will change the way you, and you alone, communicate for the better. If conversations with your LO become calmer, and interactions with them overall seem improved, take the win and appreciate it! Most likely it won’t always happen that way. Addiction is complicated. There will be ongoing difficult conversations: that’s just something we have to anticipate. But you will be better prepared to respond in a helpful way and less likely to spiral out of control emotionally (that’s different from never. And that’s OK).
• Leave your agenda (no matter how compassionate and well-meaning) out of conversations as much as possible. In other words, learn the art of listening as a highly effective communication tool. Listen with genuine curiosity and for understanding and not to determine what your next response is going to be.

After I implement a communication skill or strategy, I ask myself two questions to help me evaluate and prepare for the next interaction. They’re pretty simple: What went well? And what still needs improvement?

So take the time to ask yourself: what went well in this conversation with your daughter? You tried something different! That’s not easy. You used “I” statements. You were caring and expressed your love for her, and you offered to help. Pat yourself on the back! This is a solid start.

Now ask yourself what needs improvement? I’m wondering if telling her that you know she had a recurrence might have been something that put her on the defensive. Most people don’t respond well to shining a direct light on their faults or mistakes. One goal in communicating positively is to avoid confrontation while at the same time being assertive. Not surprisingly, many of us are not sure how to do that! It helps to state the observable facts in the situation and then invite our LO to explain. It might sound something like this:

I’m concerned. I smelled alcohol in your room, and you didn’t make it home the other night. I love you and I’m concerned about your well-being. What’s going on?

Let’s take this example apart from a CRAFT skills perspective. We’ve got “I” statements, owning our piece of the situation. We state the observable fact (smell of alcohol) without pointing a finger and “telling” her what she has done (had a recurrence). Lastly, we’re adding in a component where we’re inviting her to share. That’s another CRAFT skill: the open-ended question.

Listening is harder than you think

She still might not respond in a way you’re hoping for, but it is important to hear her out. It makes sense that she would try to turn you into the “bad guy.” It’s hard to face our own faults and easier to blame others. Staying steadfast, calm, and confident in your approach, and not being distracted by insults and blame, can play a part in sending the message (with love) that you are not going to be deterred.

That said, have no expectation that she is going to quickly jump on board and start asking for help. Consider letting both parties (you and her) take a break to think about what was said, what everyone’s wants and needs are in this situation. Regroup and come back together to decide what the next steps are. Jot down some key phrases or write a script out using some of your new communication skills. Wait until you hear what your daughter wants to do, and then offer to help her with her plan.

Playing the long game

This is a lot of information to absorb in one sitting, Nanny. It is going to take some time, work, thought, and practice. But you have already set out on a strong path by experimenting with some of your CRAFT communications skills. Stick with it, and ask yourself the two questions above, adjusting your approach for the next time you have the opportunity.

And believe me, you will have opportunities to try again! You’re a great mom and your love for your daughter is so apparent. I hope my suggestions help, and wish for positive progress for you, your daughter, and your family as whole!

Laurie MacDougall