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Movement In the Right Direction: A Mother’s Letter to Allies

Photo credit: alleksana

On Christmas Day, 2023, Allies Member stinkyvan1 wrote a letter of thanks and appreciation to our CEO and founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, who shared it with others on our team. The letter truly speaks for itself, and it put a smile on all our faces. We hope it brings some good cheer and inspiration to you as well.

Happy Holidays,

You helped me find treatment for my son last year, and I was attending your support groups regularly. My son relapsed about two months after returning home last Christmas. I tried to follow CRAFT principles, but I am afraid I was inconsistent and not sticking to boundaries.

He was in pretty bad shape, using constantly, but managed to work consistently—mainly to pay for his habit. I finally asked him to leave. I should have done so long before, but I feared homelessness would compound matters. He found a place to live, and it was not long before things deteriorated. I always told him I would help him when he was ready. I would not give him any money but let him know I was there for him.

In October, he asked to go to treatment and also said that he needed to leave North Carolina and find a recovery living situation afterwards. He also wanted Vivitrol, as he was adamant about not wanting opiate replacement therapy. He is now living in Minneapolis in a recovery home, has a job, and is getting the Vivitrol injection.

As you often say, let consequences happen. I think that is what finally worked. My fear was really working against me. I was helping him maintain his lifestyle. It was really hard and frightening, but making him leave my home was what needed to occur.

I continue to listen to your podcast weekly and find it very helpful. I miss the groups and hope to join again soon. I really appreciate the way Allies in Recovery approaches SUD.

By being very open and talking about my son, I have also found many others at my job who have family members struggling with this issue. Getting out of the closet and being honest and open about my family’s issues has led me to find allies right under my nose. We can talk to each other with no shame and lead by example.

Thank you for all of your kindness and help. I really appreciate your organization. Special shout out to Laurie and Kaylah.

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She Wants Me to Watch the Baby While She Gets High. Should I Refuse?

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How Do I Practice CRAFT When I Feel We’re Worlds Apart?

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He Keeps Going To Treatment—And Sabotaging Himself Once He’s There

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Will His Vaping Lead Him Right Back To Use?

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Landmark Legislation To Support Families of Persons With SUD Introduced in House and Senate

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My Son’s in Jail, And I Think It Saved His Life

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He’s Drinking and Trying To Hide It. What Should I Be Doing?

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InnovatorMD Global Summit 2023: Dominique Simon-Levine Profiles CRAFT and the Work of Allies In Recovery

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I Meant Well. Did My Words Make Him Start Drinking Again?

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Did the Boundary I Set Make Him Drink Even More?

Jbernard116’s made an impressive start in applying CRAFT to this challenging situation. Unfortunately, the boundary she set didn’t immediately yield the behavior change she hopes for—and she even worries that it could have prompted her fiancé to drink even more heavily. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall responds with a careful review of CRAFT-informed options and strategies. Boundaries, she reminds us crucially, determine our behavior—not our Loved One’s.

Allies in Recovery Holiday Schedule & Virtual Recovery Support Resource Directory

In observance of the holidays, Allies in Recovery will not be holding our CRAFT Skills, CRAFT Educational, or CRAFT Family Support Groups for the week of December 26th thru December 30th, 2022. We will return to our regular Live Support Schedule on Monday, January 2nd, 2023. If you’re in need of support, click above to read our member blog for details about supports offered by Allies in Recovery and a host of other organizations during the holidays and beyond. The Allies in Recovery Team wishes you and your loved one’s a safe and peaceful holiday.

We’ve Set Our Boundaries. He’s Breaking Them.

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We Keep Paying. He Keeps Returning to Use. How Much Longer?

Kim has watched her son’s struggle with stimulants for years, and has paid for his treatment and housing along the way. Although he’s had repeated success with short-term Partial Hospitalization Programs (PHPs), he starts using again when he moves to a lower level of care. And the bills have added up. Kim wants to continue her support, but worries that she can’t sustain it. Fortunately, there are approaches that could break this cycle. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine has some informed and encouraging suggestions.

A CRAFT Approach To Verbal Abuse

Provided the abuse isn’t physical, CRAFT can be your guide to a constructive response to negative interactions. Physical safety should come first in all relationships. But even in the absence of physical violence, a Loved One’s verbal abuse can be painful and damaging. As with other complications surrounding substance use disorder, CRAFT offers a clear, straightforward, and proven approach to dealing with harmful talk from a Loved One. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall outlines the fundamentals.

He Won’t Agree to the Care We Know He Needs

Cwfranklin’s adult son smokes fentanyl. With his parents’ active support, he’s gone through various rounds of treatment. His recoveries have been substantial, but so far they haven’t lasted. Now his parents are considering “lines in the sand” to convince him to undertake a longer, multi-stage treatment plan. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine suggests an alternative: CRAFT-informed engagement that returns responsibility to their Loved One, where it belongs. 

After So Much Hard Work, He’s Slipping. How Can I Help?

Your Loved One’s journey is in their hands. But CRAFT skills can make your vital support most effective. Renee’s son has been struggling with substance use for 15 years. He’s fighting hard for his own recovery, and that includes rebuilding his career. But lately, he appears to be slipping. For his parents, and for Allies writer Laurie MacDougall, this is something of an alarm bell. The good news is that Renee’s there to support him—and reaching out to Allies for the skills and support to do so.

“We Are Absolutely the Worst People” in Her Life: When Mental Illness, SUD, and Blame Collide 

Your CRAFT skills may be put to the test, but they’re still indispensable. Perhaps more than ever. At Allies in Recovery, we’re always impressed by the mutual support our members give each other—and wherever possible, we try to build on it. At the heart of this post is a conversation about how to take care of your emotions while staying connected with your Loved One (LO). It leads to a stark question many of us coping with SUD grapple with: how do you support a Loved One who blames, rages, and is verbally out of control? Laurie MacDougall tackles this vital, thorny issue. 

Does This Level of Violence Rule Out CRAFT?

Nohp’s husband of 48 years is struggling with heavy alcohol use. Recently his behavior has become more alarming, and even violent. Now she’s staying outside their home, and wondering if that violence means the CRAFT approach isn’t right for their circumstances. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine thinks it probably is. While underscoring that no one can decide for her, she advises Nohp to explore the skills training and support resources offered through Allies in Recovery. Quite simply, they work, and have a track record to prove it.

Please Help Me Improve What I Say to Her

Words matter so much — both the ones we speak or write, and the one we choose not to. Fletcher921’s daughter uses meth and opioids, and was recently suspended from her job. She showed her mother the suspension letter from her employer — an act of real trust. Her mother put effort and heart into her reply, but wants to do even better next time. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall reflects on how CRAFT could help in this effort, and the possible benefits for daughter and mother alike.

Don’t Give Up Too Soon On Medication-Assisted Treatment

Elaine’s son is struggling to quit opioids, but the path is hard. He’s had many rounds of detox, and is now trying to self-medicate. An initial attempt at Suboxone treatment made him feel emotionless and flat. But did it have to be that way? Allies’ CEO Dominique Simon-Levine reviews the challenges and great promise of Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT). MAT therapies often come with a period of adjustment for our Loved One’s.

It Feels Like Nothing Works With Him

If we focus on what’s ours to control, change is possible all the same. CRAFT skills can help you get there. Elaine’s son is back in the hospital, in a routine that’s become all too familiar to his parents. They’ve tried to help in many ways, but the health crises and the drug use that leads to them don’t seem to be changing, and Elaine’s begun to doubt they ever will. Laurie MacDougall gently challenges this idea. While a Loved One’s life isn’t ours to change, our own words, feelings, and behavior are. Allies in Recovery is committed to helping us learn to take control of these, and thereby give our Loved Ones the most effective support we can.

Do I Want to Have Children With Him?

There’s nothing simple about such a question. But here are some pointers in the search for answers. Whits wants children and loves her partner. But is she prepared to raise children with someone who’s progress with his SUD is uncertain? No one, of course, can answer that for her. But if there is a way forward together, it will require compassionate communication, as well as boundaries and self-care. That’s where the CRAFT approach can be so powerfully helpful.

The Discussion Blog on the Allies Website: Excerpts From One Member’s Journey

An important component of any member’s successful journey on the Allies website is participation in the expertly-moderated Discussion Blog. There, CRAFT/AIR trained staff interact with members by answering questions in both regular replies and in full, expert blog response posts offering guidance that any member can access. Members see other members sharing questions, frustrations, and successes similar to theirs, and also they often see how the Learning Modules are effectively used as referenced by our team experts and by members. We also offer dozens of supplementary podcasts by members of our Allied Team, discussing real situations with Loved Ones and using the CRAFT approach.

A Message from Founder, Dominique Simon-Levine

Founder & CEO, Dominique Simon-Levine, offers an update about the Allies in Recovery program, including new offerings and activities. Thank you all for being so patient as we navigated through the many hassles and challenges associated with developing and building our new website. We are so very grateful for YOU! (Pictured Left to Right: Nicole Castillo, Andrew Maxwell, Deborah Rodriguez, Sandra Munier)

You Don’t Have to Live in Manhattan to Access Recovery Services

And if AA isn’t what your Loved One’s after, there are usually alternatives
Kspring has been supporting her son on his recovery journey for years.
He’s come a long way, but the challenges still feel immense, and Kspring
is actively seeking new recovery resources that could offer a hand. Allies’
Laurie MacDougall did some digging. What she found underscores just
how much is out there—much of it independent of Zip code.

Learning Our Way Out of the Cycle of Recurrence

Even when a lot’s going right in our lives, the recovery process can be tough and painful. Outwardly, Bimba’s son’s life seems wonderful: good job, good relationship, education, financial security. Still, he only manages to remain abstinent for about 90 days at a time. While this stage of the recovery process is often brutal, there are resources and people ready to help. Sustained reinforcement —“getting the message about recovery”— is a vital piece of the puzzle.

LEAVE A COMMENT / ASK A QUESTION

In your comments, please show respect for each other and do not give advice. Please consider that your choice of words has the power to reduce stigma and change opinions (ie, "person struggling with substance use" vs. "addict", "use" vs. "abuse"...)