Navigating the holidays can be challenging for anyone—particularly so when grief, conflict, chaos, or loss are present within your family. But it’s possible to maintain stability and find moments of joy amidst the pain. Annie Highwater offers some straightforward approaches to this singular season.

Here come the holidays—with all their pleasures, and all their emotional pitfalls and moments of vulnerability. This year, I’d like to offer a set of strategies that incorporate practices like motivational interviewing and reflective listening while remaining mindful of everyone’s emotional health. I hope they can help you through this often difficult time.

Start with self-care

Self-care takes many forms. Here are some that I’ve found especially useful at this time of year:

• Self-compassion: Acknowledge that it’s OK to feel pain and sadness during the holidays. Speak to yourself with kindness and understanding.
• Self-care activities: Remember that self-care is an active process. Make time for stretching, meditation, and nature (the great outdoors can be quite beautiful and calming in the winter). Prioritize these activities throughout the holidays to help you relax and recharge.
• Mindfulness: This one helps at all times and in every category. Practice mindfulness techniques to stay present and focused on the moment; doing so can help reduce stress and anxiety. When you’re stressed out about issues from A to Z, make a list of these issues—but be sure at the same time to list the things you’re grateful and hoping for. Bringing all of these out in the open can let those stresses begin to dissipate. At a more minute-by-minute level, taking a quick walk, stepping outside, or just slipping into another room to count to 100 can bring our perspective back into balance. Don’t underestimate the power of these simple steps.
• Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist for support and guidance. Talking to someone who understands and isn’t personally attached to the relationship dynamics can be profoundly helpful.
• Other healthy habits: Regular exercise, a healthy balanced diet, and adequate sleep are vital, even in “time off” and moments of ritual indulgence. Strive to maintain these as much as possible.

Make a plan in advance

It’s always better not to be caught unprepared. Foreseeing and staying out ahead of our stressors is a great way to keep them in check. Approaches to this include:

• Goal setting: Set realistic and achievable goals for the holiday season. Focus on small steps and celebrate your progress.
• Plan out those gatherings: If you’re traveling to see people or hosting at home, it helps to prepare in advance for how much you’re able to tolerate when it comes to energy, personalities, and environments. You may want to establish firm time limits for your gatherings (some choose three hours; do what feels manageable to you). Drive separately from other members of your household so that you’re free to leave when you feel ready. These decisions ahead of time can cut down on stress and pressure.
• Give yourself some positive affirmations: Reciting a few of these to yourself can help counter negative thoughts. For example, “I am strong and resilient,” or “I can handle this.”

Regulate your interactions with others

This category includes everything you do face-to-face with your Loved Ones during the holidays.

• Active listening: Pay attention to your own emotions and the emotions of others. Listen actively and empathetically with what others are saying, without judgment. Engage in conversations with topics that don’t feel stressful or cause anxiety, aggravation, or conflict.
• Validate feelings: Acknowledge and validate your own feelings as much as the feelings of others. Let others know that their emotions are valid and understood, even as you allow yourself to authentically process your own.
• Remember that silence is a powerful boundary: Go inward, step away, or ask for a breather (no one says you have to return from it!). Allow a blanket of calm and quiet to cover situations and conversations that could potentially become explosive.

Search creatively for joy

• Create new traditions: These can bring joy and meaning to the holiday season. New traditions can help shift the focus from past pain to present happiness. In my family, we try to do something new each year. This year it’s a challenging dessert we haven’t had before, along with a drive to some holiday light displays we’ve never seen.
• Focus on the positive: Look for the positive aspects of the holiday season, such as spending time with Loved Ones, giving back to the community, or simply enjoying the festive atmosphere, music, and decorations. Joy can be found in quiet, simple moments when we take time to breathe and take them in.
• Practice gratitude: Cultivate a sense of gratitude by focusing on some things you are thankful for in life and in this season, no matter how small.

By incorporating these strategies, you can navigate the challenges and find moments of peace and happiness. But please also remember that it’s OK to feel a range of emotions during the holidays, including pain and joy. And again, if you are struggling with intense grief or conflict, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.

Take it moment by moment, day by day, and remember to put as much energy into caring for yourself as you put into caring for others. Doing so is better not just for you but for them as well. When we’ve taken care of ourselves, we can show our Loved Ones the best of us, not what’s left of us!

Peace and joy to you this holiday season,

Annie