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Create the Ideal Home Environment for Your Adult Child in Recovery

Dominique Simon August 10, 2016

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This is a modified version of a post we originally published on our member site. Dominique Simon-Levine responds to a member’s comment…

There is so much in your comment: the inability to trust your daughter or to control her behavior in your home, the fear of her using again, the belief that you can protect her from herself, and the disbelief at her refusal to see alcohol as an essential part of the problem.

 

Accept that control is an illusion, and recovery is a process

One thing is for sure: it is not possible to control or to police your way out of this. The approach on our site helps you design an environment around your daughter that is conducive to her recovery. The environment you create helps set down a clear line that also prioritizes your healing and peace.

Your daughter is following a recovery program now that she is back from rehab. She is staying away from the drugs but is drinking. Alcohol wasn’t the problem, according to her, so it is safe to drink in her mind.

We so much want recovery to be instant and complete, but getting clean and sober is a process, one that often takes repeated attempts.  Continuing to smoke pot or to use alcohol or some other drug that wasn’t the issue, is so very common.  It’s where terms like “marijuana maintenance plan” come from. Either the use of this drug is successfully moderated or it becomes a problem in itself to the point where the person realizes they need to stop this drug, too.

 

What we’ve already written about your loved one coming home

It’s worth reviewing our posts that address the question of your child living at home. Some of the following posts are available only on our member site. See if you qualify for free membership here.

 

An ideal home environment for your adult child, home from rehab

Here’s my brief sketch of the ideal home environment for an adult child (and I am very aware that I get to sit in front of my keyboard and think up these perfect scenarios.)…

1 ⇒ Take their childhood bedroom and make it your reading, painting, music, exercise, and/or meditation room.

2 ⇒ Set up a day bed in the corner of somewhere public in the home, the corner of the living room or den.

3 ⇒ Provide a locker for their things.

4 ⇒ Ask them to respect your home by not coming home if they’ve been using. They are welcome back when they’ve sobered up.

5 ⇒ Ask them to join you on Sundays for dinner where you do a brief 10-minute check-in about recovery and your relationship, AND where the rest of the evening is kept light and off the hard topics.

6 ⇒ Work out for yourself where you’re willing to help out: short term rent money, cell phone, help with transport and always treatment.

7 ⇒ Leave the rest of their life to them to sort out.

 (please read our blog post on setting up a Daybed and Footlocker to create a home environment for an adult child in recovery)

Let’s talk about trust

On the issue of trust: Trust that has been lost is not easily earned back. It can take years of perfect behavior to truly trust someone again. Trust-building comes in stages, has setbacks, and hopefully still makes steady progress. Accept the partiality of trust when it comes to your daughter.

Stopping the use doesn’t instantly fix a difficult personality, feelings of entitlement, or procrastination. It doesn’t instantly teach them how to handle money or relationships, or how to be accountable or grateful. Life will teach them these things, and getting out of the way is the best first step parents must take towards letting life be your loved one’s teacher.

Though it may seem counter-intuitive, by pulling back some, and creating some clearer boundaries, as this post suggests, you may well find some peace.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, two blogs, and dialogue with experts in the field of treatment and recovery. Learn more here.

Categories: CRAFT, Recovery, Rewards
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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (AA World Services, Inc.) Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. This is an informational website for anyone interested in learning more about their organization, 12-step program of recovery, and how to find local meetings. PHONE: 212.870.3400 Click here for Online AA Meetings What is AA? What to Expect in an AA Meeting  What is Anonymity in AA?  AA INTERGROUP ONLINE MEETING FINDER IN THE ROOMS In The Rooms offers over 150+ weekly live online meetings, a variety 12-Step and Non-12- Step Fellowships, and Specialty meetings. Some of our most popular meetings are AA, NA, ACA, Al-Anon, and Nar-Anon meetings, and much more. In The Rooms has 69 live online AA meetings weekly, so there’s bound to be one that fits your schedule! We have specialty AA meetings too, like AA Pride (LGBTQ). We also have an Agnostic AA meeting, if you’re seeking a meeting without a secular approach to recovery. We have 30 NA meetings on ITR weekly. Like AA, there’s also an NA Pride meeting (LGBTQ) and an Agnostic NA meeting. For support for the family, friends, and allies of those in recovery, In The Rooms has both Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, which each meeting, 1-3 times a week. We also have many other 12-step fellowship groups, like Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Sex Addicts Anonymous, CODA, Dual Diagnosis, and much more. If you can think of a Recovery fellowship, we probably have it.  FULL LISTING of LIVE VIRTUAL/ONLINE MEETINGS  12Step.Org We strive to provide information, tools, and resources for working a 12 Step program (or any program using 12 step principles for recovery) in as simple and effective way as possible. Online Meeting Calendar Online Video Meetings Phone Meetings Forums, Text Chats, and Email Meetings List RECOVERY DHARMA Recovery Dharma is a peer-led movement and community that is unified by our trust in the potential of each of us to recover and find freedom from the suffering of addiction. We believe that the traditional Buddhist teachings, often referred to as…

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an-air-member August 12, 2022

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craft working despite relapse

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An Allies in Recovery member wrote in with this bittersweet account. She shares with us her daughter’s words and feelings, confirming that she clearly felt Mom’s love, respect and support… even when Mom felt she might be holding too tightly to her boundaries and thus damaging their bond. The bitter note is that her daughter recently returned to the drugs and to the bad-boy boyfriend, also an opiate user. If you’d like to read some compelling proof that CRAFT is working, even when you’re not sure it is, read on…

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The Power of Language

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Laurie MacDougall May 15, 2020
Test Tubes

Drug Testing at Home?

Guest blogger, Laurie MacDougall responds to a member explaining what she and her husband did when they let their son move back home to work on his recovery. They created a structure of boundaries that he had to abide by in order to live in their home.

Laurie MacDougall September 24, 2019
Fishing Boat and Lighthouse

I Have no Patience Left

The courts failed to enforce treatment for her daughter, once out of jail. Now her daughter’s life is a real mess. Take a look at how Dominique Simon-Levine lays out an approach to help this family member stay on track.

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Helping Hands to Summit

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Dominique Simon April 16, 2019
Allies in Recovery, AiR, Dominique Simon-Levine, dsl, addiction, addiction recovery, drugs, withdrawal, relapse, benzos, benzodiazepines, job loss, CRAFT, loved one, natural consequences, emotion, shame

Relapse and Job Loss

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FROST on window

He’s Angry And Pushing us Away

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Dominique Simon February 1, 2019
mom showing son a brochure at table

I Fear Pushing Him Back to Heroin

She has successfully used CRAFT taught on our member site to help her son into treatment for heroin addiction. He is now 9 months out and has not relapsed…but he is at home, and mom worries about his pot use and fleeting motivation, despite his continued visits to a therapist.

Dominique Simon December 3, 2018
drawing-family

At Allies, We Believe…

For some individuals, medication can be an important complementary aid in recovery. At Allies in Recovery, we have no wish to stigmatize a treatment plan that includes medication. But here’s what we believe is of equal importance for helping a Loved One who struggles with addiction…

Dominique Simon July 11, 2018
Allies in Recovery, AiR, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, addiction recovery, recovery, Craft, strategy, MAT, rewards, heroin, cocaine, fentanyl, drugs, section 35, methadone, buprenorphine, treament, detox, opioids, opiates, drug addict son living home

Our Strategy Is No Longer Working

They’ve always opened their home to him when he’s trying to get clean but he has now started taking advantage of his parents. He is getting high in their house, stealing from them, enjoying a warm bed and food while using. He’s not really interested in going into treatment. He knows what he needs to say to get through the door.

Dominique Simon May 29, 2018
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How Exactly Does This Website Help Families?

Allies’ founder and director, Dominique Simon-Levine, responds to questions from our Content Editor about the Key Observation exercises in our eLearning Center. This Q & A provides a clear explanation about how important these exercises are and how they help families understand their loved one’s addiction in order to successfully guide them to treatment.

Dominique Simon May 15, 2018

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