Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

My Helping Wasn’t Helpful. It’s Time to Detach

Sanctuary-Woman-at-Church
This worried mom realized that in her efforts to “help,” she was actually enabling her daughter’s use. Now her daughter has put distance between them and Mom is trying to detach.

*This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To sign up for our special offer and benefit from the Allies in Recovery eLearning program, click here.

“I became an Allies member several months ago and find the podcasts and articles on this site extremely helpful. Through this site, I learned that, rather than helping my 31-year-old daughter and her husband while they were struggling with heroin addiction, I was actually enabling them. 

Fortunately, they are both sober now and in recovery. Recently though, my daughter decided that she no longer wants to visit us or keep us up to date on her progress. She does not answer texts or phone messages. She did however call me last week and told me she loved me and missed us but was not doing well emotionally and needed a “break”. Her mother-in-law and husband are no longer giving me details on what is going on except to say things are “OK”.

My husband and I are heartbroken that we no longer have frequent contact with her. I am trying to detach and let her reach out to me when she feels she can but not knowing how she is doing is hard! I sent a card and texts to let her know we are there for her if she needs us and that we love her. But I stopped doing that last month and have decided to just wait it out until she is ready to connect again with us.

Is that the right thing to do?”

Dominique Simon-Levine reminds this mother that her daughter is on the right track

Your daughter and son-in-law are still married yet are no longer using opioids. That is your hunch, anyway. His mother moved in with them but no longer provides you with the updates you depended upon about the couple. In fact, your daughter, her husband and his mother have essentially cut you off. You spent years helping the couple out, as they sank deeper and deeper into trouble with the drugs and probably also alcohol. You now realize that helping them wasn’t helpful.

They are both taking suboxone. This is very important because it means someone is following them clinically, testing them for drugs, and hopefully providing them with therapy. This should provide you both with some peace of mind. Your daughter is back at work and your son-in-law is following the conditions of his probation. All good.

Can you let her go for now, and detach?

We don’t know why your daughter needs a break. It is very hard on you to not see her regularly and to not be told how she is doing. It is difficult to know which is harder on families: to have your loved one under your nose or out of sight. Neither is easy.

In reading your account, I felt like you both came through a very long and bad period. The suboxone, the testing, the probation, the IOP, and the AA are all good signs, though. I wonder if you can let her go for now, knowing that things sound better. She won’t be gone long, I suspect. You’ve been there at every turn helping them out. She is programmed to come to you when things go wrong.

It’s now time for some self-care

What if you took this time, let’s say the next 4 weeks, and worked on getting the tension and ringing out of your ears and the zinging out of your body. You must be exhausted. You, too, are programmed: to jump, to worry. Let her be for now and turn the attention back on yourselves and on each other. There’s a lot to shake off.

I think the occasional text saying something loving, saying how you are taking care of yourselves, without expecting an answer is a nice idea. Please look at the Learning Modules, available on our member site (view our Introductory Module here). See how it looks and feels to push responsibility for your daughter’s life and her needs back onto her; to be supportive without stepping in when she’s in trouble.

Your daughter and her husband have come a long way. It may not be completely over, though. They may not be able to manage their addictions and be together. It’s really tough to do both. But they are tied into treatment and self-help. Take solace in this. Thank you for writing in. One last thought. Annie Highwater and I recently recorded a podcast on attachment that might help (I have since bought a new microphone….sorry about the poor audio). You can listen to it here.

Yes, the family DOES have a role to play. Your stance, behavior, and choices DO make a difference. At Allies in Recovery we are absolutely convinced of this. “Tough love” is not a successful technique. Our learning platform is set up to help family members learn the techniques that will reduce conflict, build that bridge of communication, and be effective in guiding your loved one into treatment. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn more here.

image © DavidDennisPhotos

Loading

Related Posts from "Self-Care for the Family Member"

How Laurie and Kayla Became Part of AIR

Learn about Allies in Recovery’s (AIR) groups – the CRAFT Educational groups facilitated by Laurie and the CRAFT Support group facilitated by Kayla – and how they became part of AIR. CRAFT isn’t easy, and you can’t do it alone. These groups provide essential information, feedback and support.  You are not alone during this painful, overwhelming process.

How Laurie and Kayla Became Part of AIR

Learn about Allies in Recovery’s (AIR) groups – the CRAFT Educational groups facilitated by Laurie and the CRAFT Support group facilitated by Kayla – and how they became part of AIR. CRAFT isn’t easy, and you can’t do it alone. These groups provide essential information, feedback and support.  You are not alone during this painful, overwhelming process.

What About Family Members’ Trauma?

It can be easy, particularly when those outside a situation offer advice, to overlook the history of trauma that may exist for a family member. CRAFT takes the idea of healing out of a therapy model, to a community-based model. It’s a long-term process of learning new tools and ways to interact. It begins with family members understanding themselves, their patterns and reactivity, so they’re equipped for long-term work of healing — with the support of Allies in Recovery all along the way.

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

Embracing the Uncomfortable: A Life Hack from Annie

Learn how facing uncomfortable and challenging situations can lead to personal growth and improve relationships in Annie Highwater’s blog post. Discover the importance of regularly challenging oneself, even in small ways, to develop discipline and determination. From showering in cold water to apologizing to someone you’ve wronged, find out how embracing discomfort can build inner strength and grit. Start your journey towards personal growth and confidence today.

Watching Families Progress

Our hosts discuss their joy in witnessing the progress of families in their groups. If you’re helping your loved one, start with yourself and your own healing. Healing is, Kayla says, not best done alone. And with Allies in Recovery, you don’t have to do it alone. You get to be part of a group of people doing the work, and get support not just for concepts, but for implementing the powerful tools of CRAFT. This is the work that can help your loved one.

Collaboration Vs. Ultimatum

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.

Handling Confrontation the CRAFT Way

How do you shift from conflict to a more open conversation with your loved one whose struggling with addiction? Using CRAFT, you can improve the relationship by engaging in a way that is both effective and supportive. You become part of the treatment process instead of something else your loved one is battling.

Her Partner is Not Improving from Substance Use Disorder. Is There an Underlying Mental Health Condition?

One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members as been artfully following the CRAFT principles and yet her loved one is not showing signs of improvement. Engaging in extreme behavior, barely ever sleeping, misusing his ADHD medication, lying, and now, stealing… Is it all on the addiction or could her partner suffer from an underlying, undiagnosed and untreated mental health condition?

Shall We Dance?

CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn’t a traditional dance – it’s a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn’t, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It’s a process.

What About Family Members’ Trauma?

It can be easy, particularly when those outside a situation offer advice, to overlook the history of trauma that may exist for a family member. CRAFT takes the idea of healing out of a therapy model, to a community-based model. It’s a long-term process of learning new tools and ways to interact. It begins with family members understanding themselves, their patterns and reactivity, so they’re equipped for long-term work of healing — with the support of Allies in Recovery all along the way.

How Do You Stop Catastrophizing?

If you find yourself swept away in the undertow of negative thinking about what might happen and how you might prevent it, the number-one tool to use is stepping back, noticing that you’re doing it. Number two is deciding to shift it, starting with “no negative talk.” And third is hitting the metaphorical “reset” button, finding something to soothe yourself. At first, it may not go well, but over time, you can get good at it.

Watching Families Progress

Our hosts discuss their joy in witnessing the progress of families in their groups. If you’re helping your loved one, start with yourself and your own healing. Healing is, Kayla says, not best done alone. And with Allies in Recovery, you don’t have to do it alone. You get to be part of a group of people doing the work, and get support not just for concepts, but for implementing the powerful tools of CRAFT. This is the work that can help your loved one.

Collaboration Vs. Ultimatum

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.