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Please Don’t Come Home! Next Steps after Recovery…

Dominique Simon September 8, 2016

An Allies in Recovery member recently shared news that her son was entering treatment. She expressed relief about this huge step forward, as well as a strong desire for him not to come home afterwards…

Illustration © Eleanor Davis

 

…She also wonders about the right amount of connection to have with him during this phase and afterwards:

“My son just went into a treatment facility today. Not sure how connected I should be, because when he gets out I want him to find his own place to live. I am just so relieved he has made this choice….”

What a relief when a loved one agrees to go into treatment. Hurray! And hurray to you for helping this along!

But right behind this relief there may follow several nagging thoughts: What’s next? What if it doesn’t work? Please don’t let him come home…

You’re not alone. The posts on our Discussion Blog (on our member site) are full of families writing about the period after treatment. We recently published a post, When He Gets Out of Treatment, How Much Should I Help Out? that directly addresses your immediate concern of wanting him to find his own place to live after discharge.

I also want to respond to your other point, which is the question of connection with your son once he gets out.

 

Oh please, don’t come home!

I’ve seen parents over the years cut off relations with a loved one as a way to protect themselves from the anguish, manipulation, and drama of a loved one sick with substance abuse. Loved ones don’t suddenly become skilled in how to interact with family just because they went to treatment. Interactions aren’t miraculously made better after a short period of sobriety. So you’re right to want to guard yourself from the onslaught of a difficult relationship.

Your desire to disconnect from your son as a way to avoid him coming back home makes complete sense.

But is there a way to maintain a good solid connection with your son AND make it clear that he needs his own place after discharge?

It’s often hard to speak up when past efforts to talk have blown up in your face or proved completely futile.

Video Module 4 is all about improving your communication, including how to be more assertive and loving in making requests (click here to watch a sample of Module 4). Exercise #15 of the Key Observations helps you script out a request using these communication skills. Video Module 8 shows you how to have a planned conversation (click here to watch a sample of Module 8). While we use the example of a treatment request in the module, the framework of the planned conversation can by applied to any request you want to make.

The planned conversation

Our suggestion is to script out your request that your son not come home and have the planned conversation with him while he is in treatment.

Has your son signed a consent form with the program so you can speak with them? Either way, the program needs to know that your son will be homeless once he leaves treatment. The program should be organizing a discharge plan that includes housing. Work with them if at all possible. Perhaps the counselor can sit in on the conversation with your son in which you make your request.

 

Here is an example of making a request:

(This is taken from the Key Observation exercises in the eLearning Modules we provide to members)

 
Write out what you want from your loved one below. Example: I’d like him to do the dishes.
1. Put yourself in their shoes with an understanding statement. Example: I can understand that doing the dishes is no fun.

You’ve taken a huge step by coming to treatment and I am really so very proud of you. I can understand how living on your own is also a huge step that can be scary and overwhelming.

 

2. Own your part. Example: I am the one who likes the sink free of dishes.

I am exhausted. I want to be the support you need to maintain your sobriety. It’s just that I just can’t do it with you living with me. I don’t have the skills for it yet. I need time to learn. And I need my own place. I need for us to live apart.

 

3. How does it make you feel? Example: I feel so overwhelmed when the sink is full of dirty dishes.

I get overwhelmed and upset too often when we live together and it’s not good for either of us.

 

4. Offer to help. Example: Would it help if I got a different kind of sponge or a second dish rack?

I’d like to help you with the first couple months’ rent somewhere.

 

5. Be positive, be brief, be specific. Example: Please put your dishes in the dishwasher before I come home from work.

So … your counselor and I are looking for someplace you can move to once released from this program. Please accept my offer of help to get your own place after you leave this program.

Maintaining a bridge while keeping your boundaries intact

Once you’ve scripted out your own requests, read them out loud, leaving off the prompts. This is the script you’ll want to commit to memory and present to your son at the planned conversation.

CRAFT guides you to maintain that bridge of trust and support with your loved one, at each phase of the process. This can go hand-in-hand with establishing and communicating your own boundaries: your loved one must understand what you need in order to maintain your own peace of mind and remain strong for him.

A membership at Allies in Recovery brings you into contact with experts in the fields of recovery and treatment for drug and alcohol issues. Our learning platform introduces you to CRAFT and guides you through the best techniques for unblocking the situation. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn about the benefits of membership.

Categories: Asking a loved one to leave your home, Communication, CRAFT, Recovery
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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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In-Person & Virtual Recovery Resources for Your Loved One

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (AA World Services, Inc.) Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. This is an informational website for anyone interested in learning more about their organization, 12-step program of recovery, and how to find local meetings. PHONE: 212.870.3400 Click here for Online AA Meetings What is AA? What to Expect in an AA Meeting  What is Anonymity in AA?  AA INTERGROUP ONLINE MEETING FINDER IN THE ROOMS In The Rooms offers over 150+ weekly live online meetings, a variety 12-Step and Non-12- Step Fellowships, and Specialty meetings. Some of our most popular meetings are AA, NA, ACA, Al-Anon, and Nar-Anon meetings, and much more. In The Rooms has 69 live online AA meetings weekly, so there’s bound to be one that fits your schedule! We have specialty AA meetings too, like AA Pride (LGBTQ). We also have an Agnostic AA meeting, if you’re seeking a meeting without a secular approach to recovery. We have 30 NA meetings on ITR weekly. Like AA, there’s also an NA Pride meeting (LGBTQ) and an Agnostic NA meeting. For support for the family, friends, and allies of those in recovery, In The Rooms has both Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, which each meeting, 1-3 times a week. We also have many other 12-step fellowship groups, like Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Sex Addicts Anonymous, CODA, Dual Diagnosis, and much more. If you can think of a Recovery fellowship, we probably have it.  FULL LISTING of LIVE VIRTUAL/ONLINE MEETINGS  12Step.Org We strive to provide information, tools, and resources for working a 12 Step program (or any program using 12 step principles for recovery) in as simple and effective way as possible. Online Meeting Calendar Online Video Meetings Phone Meetings Forums, Text Chats, and Email Meetings List RECOVERY DHARMA Recovery Dharma is a peer-led movement and community that is unified by our trust in the potential of each of us to recover and find freedom from the suffering of addiction. We believe that the traditional Buddhist teachings, often referred to as…

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