Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

How A Daybed & Footlocker Can Change the Game

Meditation Room
Parents frequently write in exhausted,  frustrated, and unsure how to handle the housing situation of their addicted loved one. Trust may be low and suspicions high.  Remember, the housing you provide is a reward. You should therefore be able to remove it, if necessary.

*This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To take advantage of our current special offer and get full access to the Allies in Recovery eLearning program for families, click here.

Create the ideal home environment for your adult child, home from rehab: How a Daybed & Footlocker can bring you peace and clarity.

Many parents find themselves in that sticky, gray area of whether or not to allow their addicted—or recovering—loved one to stay at home.

Do you open that door or not? What is the deciding factor? If things don’t go as planned, how will you manage to get them to leave?

Our relationships with our addicted loved ones have often become riddled with mistrust, untruths, betrayals, suspicion. The love is still there but we don’t know what to think, or who to believe. It feels very hard to know how much trust we can reasonably have when they show signs of wanting to change or being ready to step up to the plate.

Your roof, the comfort and protection of your home and your presence are all considered “rewards” in the CRAFT approach.

As such, you can try putting aside your attempts to measure trust and faith and believing-them-or-not, for now, and boil things down even more: are they using right now?

If yes, step away. Let them know firmly but lovingly that they’re welcome to come back to stay when they’re not using. Withdraw your presence/company/attention and explain you look forward to seeing them when they’re not using.

If they are not using right now, CRAFT tells you to reward (see Learning Module 5 for clarifications). If lodging is in the mix, the daybed/footlocker solution is worth your consideration.

5 things to consider when setting up a daybed & footlocker for your loved one.

  • For now, until things stabilize significantly, access to their cozy old bedroom is too much comfort and luxury to be offering. It’s also an easy place for them to hide away. And it’s more complicated to take this reward away.
  • For the time being, that bedroom could become a great support for your own efforts at self-care, by turning it into a meditation center, a place to stretch, an art or music room for yourself.
  • Set up a daybed in a common space in the house (living room, den), along with a foot locker for your loved one’s things. That’s the “housing” you can offer. The day bed is temporary­—figuratively and literally—more easily given and taken away than the bedroom.
  • Make your expectations clear: Ask them to respect your home by not coming home if they’ve been using. They are welcome back when they’ve sobered up. Your home is a reward that your loved one gets access to when he/she is not using.
  • A good addition to this “ideal home environment” is asking them to join you on Sundays for dinner and doing a brief 10-minute check-in about recovery and your relationship. The rest of the evening is kept light and off the hard topics.

Where are you willing to pitch in?

You’ll find it also helps to take some time to work out for yourself where/how you’re willing to help out: short-term rent money? cell phone? help with transport? and always treatment. Think through all the barriers that might stand in the way of your loved one getting through that door of treatment (child care, pet care, rent payments while away from work, transport, and so on) and think through how you can help with potential ways around these barriers.

Finally, and this is hard but absolutely essential: Leave the rest of their life to them to sort out.

Yes, the family DOES have a role to play. Your stance, behavior, and choices DO make a difference. At Allies in Recovery we are absolutely convinced of this. “Tough love” is not a successful technique. Our learning platform is set up to help family members learn the techniques that will reduce conflict, build that bridge of communication, and be effective in guiding your loved one into treatment. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn more here.

image © elsavalle.com

Loading

Related Posts from "Rewards"

What Do “Using” and “Not Using” Really Mean?

In this closer look at Module 5, you’ll learn a tenet of CRAFT – rewarding positive behavior and removing rewards for negative behavior. When it comes to “using,” the moment-by-moment details become important. Your job is increasing your awareness by witnessing and noticing your loved one’s behavior. “Using” is really a larger term including before, during, and after interacting with a substance. Everything else is “not using.” When there are periods, maybe tiny ones, of not using, move in with gentle, quiet rewards of connection. It’s important, too, to learn how to calm your system enough to do this process. It’s all trial and error, so don’t judge yourself for not doing it right. But do notice how what you’re doing makes an impact. Check out Module 5 for more.

What Are Natural Consequences? More on Modules 5 & 6

CRAFT is like a menu. The better your awareness of patterns from watching yourself and your loved one – over time – and experimenting to see what works, the better you understand what to choose. Laurie talks about her learning process with her son, and how it led her to understand what she could and couldn’t live with. You can learn to open your eyes, to check with yourself in a very deep way, and notice what you may not have before. The more you know about what you’re looking for, the more effective CRAFT becomes, the better your decisions in the the moment. Eventually you can say, “This isn’t working, so here are your options,” and your loved one can choose.

What Do “Using” and “Not Using” Really Mean?

In this closer look at Module 5, you’ll learn a tenet of CRAFT – rewarding positive behavior and removing rewards for negative behavior. When it comes to “using,” the moment-by-moment details become important. Your job is increasing your awareness by witnessing and noticing your loved one’s behavior. “Using” is really a larger term including before, during, and after interacting with a substance. Everything else is “not using.” When there are periods, maybe tiny ones, of not using, move in with gentle, quiet rewards of connection. It’s important, too, to learn how to calm your system enough to do this process. It’s all trial and error, so don’t judge yourself for not doing it right. But do notice how what you’re doing makes an impact. Check out Module 5 for more.

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

How Do I Prepare for My Daughter with SUD to Come Home? And What About Her Boyfriend?

Her daughter is involved with a man who may be sabotaging her efforts to stop using substances. But she’s expressed some readiness to get help, and mom wants to support her in any way that she can. Mom’s working on ignoring the bad-news boyfriend while setting up guidelines for her return home. She needs guidance on the details…Allies in Recovery weighs in with some CRAFT-based tips.

The Important Difference Between Bribes, Incentives, and Positive Reinforcement

A mom wrote in asking for guidance on whether she should offer to reward her son for attending addiction recovery group meetings. However, she is unsure if she’s implementing the CRAFT concept of “rewards” correctly. Laurie MacDougall, an Allies in Recovery virtual program trainer – who herself has a loved one with SUD – explains the important differences between bribes, incentives, and positive reinforcement. Laurie advises steering away from the first two and sticking with positive reinforcement instead.

Did I Do CRAFT Wrong and Trigger Him to Drink?

She thought her husband was drinking, so she left. He called and said he wasn’t drinking, so she came home, but by then he’d gone out and he did drink. This wife feels she inadvertently triggered her husband to go drink. Did she? She also feels like she messed everything up with one episode of removing rewards. Did she really? The CRAFT approach has us “remove rewards,” including removing ourselves, when our loved one is using substances. CRAFT also asks you to make numerous split-second decisions every day. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes.  In the post below, we walk through this scenario with some CRAFT ABC’s.

He May Be Spending the Holidays in Jail. Should I Bail Him Out?

Anger and resentment towards her loved one has transformed – with one event – into love and fear. He was arrested out of state for dealing drugs and driving under the influence. The family has confirmation that he has indeed been using meth again. Now, the holiday together is in question, and she wonders how much to share with the family. The CRAFT approach suggests “removing rewards” and “allowing natural consequences.” Read on to see our view that the arrest might end up helping the situation and getting him to treatment.

We Keep Paying. He Keeps Returning to Use. How Much Longer?

Kim has watched her son’s struggle with stimulants for years, and has paid for his treatment and housing along the way. Although he’s had repeated success with short-term Partial Hospitalization Programs (PHPs), he starts using again when he moves to a lower level of care. And the bills have added up. Kim wants to continue her support, but worries that she can’t sustain it. Fortunately, there are approaches that could break this cycle. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine has some informed and encouraging suggestions.

His Need for Friends is Outweighing His Desire to Get Sober

It is difficult for our Allies member to see her son struggling to make friends while at the same time using alcohol to overcome his social anxiety. By following the CRAFT principles of effective communication, she is able to step back and allow him to experience the negative consequences of his drinking, and to focus on rewarding his positive choices. This is easier said than done, but her loving support and commitment to CRAFT is guiding him in the right direction.  

Material Rewards Can Make Recovery Fun — and Lead To Dramatically Better Outcomes

The research is clear: tangible rewards can greatly improve recovery efforts. Such programs are at last being given a chance. It’s called contingency management: the use of modest but far from trivial rewards for progress toward recovery. And for many suffering from SUD, it works. Now, after decades of resistance in the U.S., the approach is being adopted in states and cities across the country.

The College Conundrum — CRAFT’s Position

An Allies in Recovery member has arranged a tentative contract with her son with regards to financing his return to college. He is in early recovery and is quite motivated to return to school, the place where his use spun out of control. He has agreed to pay for his own tuition for now. Allies in Recovery founder Dominique Simon-Levine, weighs in with some CRAFT perspective.

I’m Not the One Who’s Sending Him to Jail

An Allies in Recovery Member has been caught in a long cycle of “bailing out” their Loved One after every relapse. Sometimes it’s been money for rehab, other times it’s been money for lawyers to keep him out of jail. Is it time to break that cycle? Loving someone doesn’t mean shouldering responsibility for all the choices they make. 

Boundaries and Rewards: Tips on Using CRAFT

An Allies in Recovery member is encountering difficulties with removing rewards and holding boundaries. They’re asking their loved one to leave when he’s drinking, but he simply refuses! In this post, we offer a little refresher on rewards – when to use them, and what kinds – as part of the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) approach that we teach you on our website.

Help! We Need a New Approach

She’s fed up with her son’s patterns of non-communication. Whenever his use is addressed, he withdraws and shuts off communication. When he does reach out, it always seems to be on his terms. How do you take the wheel when it feels like your loved one is used to calling all the shots?

Our Strategy Is No Longer Working

They’ve always opened their home to him when he’s trying to get clean but he has now started taking advantage of his parents. He is getting high in their house, stealing from them, enjoying a warm bed and food while using. He’s not really interested in going into treatment. He knows what he needs to say to get through the door.

You Are a Reward

You might be grumbling. You might be accusing, guilting or complaining. Or trying desperately to prevent them from going out. You might be brooding in a cold silence. This might be hard to believe, but your presence and your conversation, however negative, are something your loved one counts on, and expects from you.

Stick to Your Guns!

A mom on our Allies in Recovery member site wrote in about her daughter’s recent relapse. Her daughter has been staying away from home, reconnecting with an ex-boyfriend who was dealing drugs, on a binge drinking heavily and doing coke.