Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

How to Use the CRAFT Approach to Communicate with a Loved One Living with Substance Use Disorder

This mom recently had an exchange with her son who has Substance Use Disorder (SUD), but she wasn’t ready to address his requests. She was afraid it would all end in arguing, so she held back from responding. She wants to follow up and let him know her concerns about his anger, but she is looking for a CRAFT approach to addressing this situation. We answer with some pointers for how to best communicate in this scenario. Substance Use Disorder can often involve volatile emotions on all sides; when family members use the CRAFT approach that we teach at AlliesinRecovery.net, it can help disentangle emotions from practicalities, leading to greater calm and more effective outcomes.

“My adult son came over today and gave a heartfelt message to us regarding his needs. Neither of us responded because we knew that it would only end with him becoming angry.

I want to respond to say that to him. How does this fit in with CRAFT?

I would like to engage via email with him to look at a point he made, and for us both to put down what the statement means to us. He will not engage with anyone [about treatment] and does not believe the issue [SUD] is his. With that he only confirms what he believes.”

[The question above was originally submitted to the AlliesinRecovery.net member “Pose a Question” blog]

What a great question! AlliesinRecovery.net is the perfect place to be when asking about communication with a loved one with SUD. If you have checked out our eLearning CRAFT Module videos on the website, you have found that communication is one of the main pillars of our CRAFT-based curriculum.

What I hear in your post is that your son is telling you what he feels he needs from his parents. Right now, he hasn’t recognized he has a problem. When you say, “He will not engage with anyone…,” you mean he won’t talk to anyone about treatment or accept any type of help with his SUD. You and your partner did not respond so the conversation would not end in conflict. However, you do want to respond to tell him the reason why you went silent.

I hope that sharing some experiences I have had with my own loved one with SUD and practicing what I originally learned here on the Allies website, might give you some ideas on how you can apply some of the same tools to your situation.

 

 

Communication tip #1

Start with the positive, and reinforce it

First, I found that I often have to look for the positive in everything. And boy can that be difficult. The good news is that I can already see some of the positive in your situation. Your son must believe that he has your (his parents) love and support, or he would not have come to you. This is a major plus. I am sure he has felt the same way you have, that conversations or requests may end up in an argument, but he was willing to chance it anyway. This is a very big positive, even if it may not feel that way in the moment.

What I have learned is that when I see behavior that I want repeated, no matter how small it may appear to be, the best thing I can do is to reinforce it. Maybe saying something like, “We really appreciate that you trust us with this request.” And/or, “Thank you for coming to us with this request…” These few simple affirmations keep the connection open, and I have found that this encourages my own loved one [with SUD] to keep coming back to me when he has needs.

Communication tip #2

Give yourself time to think out your reply

Another positive for you and your partner: you’re taking a pause to find the best way to answer. I have also found that giving myself time to think about how to respond is a great tactic for me. In doing do, I take a more logical and well-thought-out approach, rather than being reactive to my loved one. Further, it gives me space to process how I feel and gain clarity about my response.

Communication tip #3

Think through your thoughts, emotions, and motivations behind your responses

Next, I have found that before I do construct a response, I ask myself some questions: “What are my thoughts that are driving the emotions in the situation?” “What are the emotions I am feeling?” “Why do I want to react this way?” Basically I try and focus in on what the motivation is for my initial need to react, and then I try and figure out if it’s going to help or hinder the situation, or if I should perhaps respond differently.

In your situation, you might ask yourself: “If I text him why we did not give him an answer, will it help? Would it be something we haven’t already told him? Are we just repeating ourselves?” and/or “Is the motivation behind telling him why we did not respond for him? Or is it for me (or us)?” If it is something that you have already told him, then there is no need to be repetitive. He already knows. I have some suspicion that this may be the case, simply because you said that you believed the discussion would only have led to an argument, which indicates there may be a pattern present in your communications. Now, your goal is to break that pattern.

Communication tip #4

Don’t “tell” or “direct” him, let him come to the conclusion like it’s his idea

Another big lesson I learned from AlliesinRecovery.net’s eLearning CRAFT Module #4 focused on communication (see more below) is that “telling” and “directing” how I see things or feel things should go does not translate well to my loved one. One of the main objectives is to have our loved ones come to the conclusion on their own that they do have a problem, that they need help, and that there are many options available for them. The goal is for them to come to this realization by internal versus external means.

Restated, it is best if it’s their idea, not ours. They are more likely to find success if it comes from them, if comes from within. Our job in all of this is to create an environment where they can achieve this clarity and be most successful. Hence, learning new and better communication skills to help facilitate self-awareness and learning is a priority of CRAFT.

Instead of telling him that you did not respond because of his anticipated behavior, you might want to consider answering his requests. This still may lead to conflict, since you might not give him what he wants, and his goal is to get what he wants. But that’s OK. Avoiding his heightened state might not be the answer either. I find that when I avoid, it is because I am not confident in what to do. So let this be an opportunity for both parties to learn new healthy ways of interacting with each other, like not engaging and stepping away when it becomes heated. It’s a chance to set down some healthy boundaries.

Some other considerations about requests, gifts, and boundaries:

When it comes to giving or not giving requests, as well as setting down healthy boundaries, there are a couple of things I keep in mind:

  1. If I cannot afford it, I cannot give it. It’s not personal, it’s not a punishment. I just don’t have it to give. His temper may flare, but I will keep my cool and hold true to my boundary.

     

  2. If I am giving a gift, then there are no strings attached. If I want to give a gift, then I am going to give it. But a gift does not require a particular behavior out of the person I am giving it to (this is true for emotional gifts like love and care too). If it does come with expectations, then it is not a gift.

For example: My loved one wants money to go get gas, but I am pretty sure he will use the money for drugs. If I give my loved one the money and he spends it on drugs, I have no right to hold it against him. If I don’t want my money spent on drugs and I am sure that’s where it will go, it is my responsibility to not give it. The temper may flare, but I will keep my cool and hold true to my boundary.

  1. Giving, allowing, or supporting requests has to be within my boundaries. I often say these exact words, “How can I help support you and keep with what I am comfortable with?” I try and make it clear that just because my loved one is asking or thinks it’s okay, doesn’t mean I agree (without directly telling him so). I have my own thoughts and ideas and integrity that I have to keep to. This is a way for me to get the point across without using blaming statements. The temper may flare, but I will keep my cool and hold true to my boundary.

     

  2. Keeping my 2 cents out of my loved one’s life is one of the best things I can do. Some of my stock phrases I turn to when talking with my loved one is, “I know I cannot control your life, that’s not my job. You’re the one that will have to find what works for you,” and/or “I am not telling you what to do, this is just something I am not comfortable with (meaning I am not giving in on my boundary).” I often say these things to convince myself as much as my loved one! Again, his temper may flare, but I will keep my cool and hold true to my boundary.

 

 

The Allies in Recovery eLearning CRAFT Module #4

“How Do I Talk to My Loved One?”

With a membership to AlliesinRecovery.net, you can benefit from our eight eLearning CRAFT Modules – videos that we created for families out of an original, clinician-oriented CRAFT handbook (that was 275 pages long!). Our video modules (or PDF e-books also available for each module) are easy to understand and are filled with great tips on how to apply CRAFT to just about any situation with a loved one with SUD. Our director, clinicians, and trainers have over 50 years’ combined experience doing addiction counseling and training families in CRAFT.

In our eLearning Module #4, “How Do I Talk to My Loved One?”, we go over:

  1. Stop the negative talk. Don’t use Arguing, Disagreeing, Challenging, Judging, Criticizing, Blaming, Warning about Outcomes, Seeking to persuade with logic or evidence, interpreting or analyzing “reasons,” confronting with authority, sarcasm, guilt, or comparing.
  2. Look for “change talk” as your opening for suggesting a better future, including treatment or recovery. But do this sparingly and carefully – we go over it in detail in Module 8, “How Do I Get My Loved One Into Treatment?”
  3. Use Assertive communication and positive communication. Don’t use “passive talk,” or avoiding communicating what you want, and don’t use “angry talk.”

In Module 4, we also go over the 7 Elements of Positive Communication:

  1. Show compassion and let you know you heard them.
  2. Admit your part, and express empathy.
  3. Be specific. Give the time, place, and action you are looking for.
  4. Be brief.
  5. Be positive – express what you do want, instead of what you don’t want.
  6. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
  7. Offer to help. Something within your boundaries you can offer.

Staying calm and connected is paramount during all of this. In this eLearning CRAFT Module, we give examples specific to the patterns and situations where substance use disorder (SUD) is present.

We also go into more detail in this module about how to use another great communication skill used with CRAFT, Reflective Listening. With reflective listening, you simply summarize back what you heard to your loved one, without analysis, judgment, or criticism. No additions, no analysis, no judgment, or attitude. This skill often opens the door to your loved one engaging in “Change Talk,” in which they express a wish for something different. Often the door you need as a way into offering specific options for treatment and recovery help.

It’s amazing how far you can get if you use all of these skills on a regular basis, and you will see your relationship with your son transform for the better. We’ve seen it happen over and over again with the many families that subscribe to Allies in Recovery. My own relationship with my loved one with SUD was transformed by using these communication skills, the core of CRAFT. Stepping away from time to time is okay when needed. But, ultimately, what you gain with staying connected will be helping him along the path to recovery, and an improved family dynamic that reduces your own stress levels.

CRAFT takes practice!

All of this can be difficult to do and took a lot of practice on my part. I found that things usually got worse before improving, but I also found that some of my new skills showed immediate results or worked rather quickly. Helping to set healthy boundaries, staying connected and learning when my loved one was also setting boundaries  all improved our family situation tremendously. For example, before the Allies eLearning CRAFT Modules, I had often missed my loved ones attempts at setting boundaries when he used statements like, “leave me alone, you always have to tell me what to do”.

So, yes, I do think CRAFT and the Allies website are helpful with your questions. Register for your AlliesinRecovery.net membership and head over to the eLearning CRAFT Modules to start with Module 4 “How Do I Talk With My Loved One?”. You may also find it helpful to attend our virtual CRAFT support, skills, and educational groups exclusive for members. I also suggest staying connected to the discussion blog, and checking out our hundreds of  blog answers written for other members of AlliesinRecovery.net. While every situation is unique, everyone benefits from learning and honing their CRAFT skills.

Remember, you are not alone. I would love to have an ongoing discussion with you about how things turn out or what you find success with. Everyone at Allies is rooting for you, wishing healing for you, your partner, and your son. Stay healthy, stay safe. We are always here for you.

Loading

Related Posts from "Communication"

“What We All Require Is To Be Heard”: Kayla Solomon On Effective Communication and Connection

In March 2023, Allies in Recovery’s very own Kayla Solomon led a 90-minute ZOOM conversation with leaders of the East Bay chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) based in Sacramento, California. The result was a dynamic primer on the use of CRAFT, the Allies approach to building trust and connection with Loved Ones, and the vital role of listening and affirming when supporting a Loved One with mental health and/or substance use challenges. Click above to watch the recording.

Trusting A Loved One in Early Recovery

Her husband is in early recovery, but he doesn’t want to share details with her. She’s nervous and struggling with trust due to his history of SUD and lying. She’s reluctant to let him come home, and unsure how to talk to him about it. Dominique weighs in with an idea of what to say based on the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach that we use at AlliesinRecovery.net.

How CRAFT Can Help: Supporting Your Partner to Successfully Moderate Opiate Use

His partner is trying to moderate her use of heroin and methamphetamine with no formal support. Her use consumes so much of his partner’s life that it’s hard to see her “moderation” as progress. But his loved one wants him to acknowledge how “well” she’s doing, and there hasn’t been room for more discussion. Read on for suggested strategies from AlliesinRecovery.net to engage his partner into treatment, using the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach.

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

How Do I Prepare for My Daughter with SUD to Come Home? And What About Her Boyfriend?

Her daughter is involved with a man who may be sabotaging her efforts to stop using substances. But she’s expressed some readiness to get help, and mom wants to support her in any way that she can. Mom’s working on ignoring the bad-news boyfriend while setting up guidelines for her return home. She needs guidance on the details…Allies in Recovery weighs in with some CRAFT-based tips.

Collaboration Vs. Ultimatum

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.

Handling Confrontation the CRAFT Way

How do you shift from conflict to a more open conversation with your loved one whose struggling with addiction? Using CRAFT, you can improve the relationship by engaging in a way that is both effective and supportive. You become part of the treatment process instead of something else your loved one is battling.

Her Partner is Not Improving from Substance Use Disorder. Is There an Underlying Mental Health Condition?

One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members as been artfully following the CRAFT principles and yet her loved one is not showing signs of improvement. Engaging in extreme behavior, barely ever sleeping, misusing his ADHD medication, lying, and now, stealing… Is it all on the addiction or could her partner suffer from an underlying, undiagnosed and untreated mental health condition?

Shall We Dance?

CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn’t a traditional dance – it’s a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn’t, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It’s a process.

The Important Difference Between Bribes, Incentives, and Positive Reinforcement

A mom wrote in asking for guidance on whether she should offer to reward her son for attending addiction recovery group meetings. However, she is unsure if she’s implementing the CRAFT concept of “rewards” correctly. Laurie MacDougall, an Allies in Recovery virtual program trainer – who herself has a loved one with SUD – explains the important differences between bribes, incentives, and positive reinforcement. Laurie advises steering away from the first two and sticking with positive reinforcement instead.

He’s Drinking and Trying To Hide It. What Should I Be Doing?

Rengal’s son is struggling with alcohol use, and this has led to some difficult encounters. She naturally wants to act in hopes of making things better. But as Allies writer Laurie MacDougall explains, sometimes the first challenge we face with our Loved Ones is not to make things worse. Not reacting, not confronting: these can be positive, powerful early steps. CRAFT skills can help us take them.

Now He’s Abusing His ADHD Medication. What to do?

Her long-time partner added a new drug to the usual mix of cannabis and alcohol: now he’s got a prescription for ADHD meds and is blowing through a month’s supply in 5 days. He blames all his negative behaviors on his underlying depression. How can she be helpful to her partner, without playing into his victim mentality? She feels like she might want to give up on his recovery and ask him to move out…but we have some great CRAFT-informed tips for strategies she can try first.

Collaboration Vs. Ultimatum

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.

His Early Recovery Is Triggering Me

Her loved one has been abstinent from substance use for weeks. With steady recovery inputs, including a medication, he is doing better. However, he recently adopted a deeply confrontational stance and has shifted to some alternative addictive behaviors. Our AlliesinRecovery.net member, feeling hurt and lost, wonders how to address these new challenges. Laurie MacDougall uses some examples from her son’s recovery journey to help paint a picture of more successful interactions that can let some of the tension out of the situation. Read this blog post for some CRAFT-informed ways to handle triggers, boundaries, and power struggles.

I Meant Well. Did My Words Make Him Start Drinking Again?

A recurrence never occurs for one reason alone. It’s rare that words of love are to blame. Yet as linsachacko31 recently discovered, even words meant to celebrate a Loved One’s accomplishments can be taken in a way we don’t intend. Laurie MacDougall reflects how easily this can happen, and some simple ways we can change our approach to those vital, if challenging, moments of connection.

My Son is Using Again. Should I Confront Him?

When you are trying your best to work with a family member in recovery from Substance Use Disorder (SUD), it can be frightening and disappointing to discover they are using again. What to do? One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members wrote in about her son having a recurrence of use, and she wonders whether she should confront him or not. She feels she can’t bear the emotional rollercoaster of her son’s recovery journey. We weigh in with some reminders from the CRAFT approach about how to manage her own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. We suggest she stay the course and not confront him – at least not yet.

Did the Boundary I Set Make Him Drink Even More?

Jbernard116’s made an impressive start in applying CRAFT to this challenging situation. Unfortunately, the boundary she set didn’t immediately yield the behavior change she hopes for—and she even worries that it could have prompted her fiancé to drink even more heavily. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall responds with a careful review of CRAFT-informed options and strategies. Boundaries, she reminds us crucially, determine our behavior—not our Loved One’s.

He’s in a Recovery House and Struggling. What Can the Family Do?

A mom is worried about her son who is struggling in his recovery house setting. The family has been practicing CRAFT when engaging with him, in hopes of continuing to steer him towards recovery, but still feel this is a dangerous time for him. They would like to make their continued help with the rent contingent on some sort of counseling if he’s not using, or detox if he is. Or let the consequences happen…

“Heads Up” Tips for Those New to SUD

Have you ever looked back on a particularly stressful time in your life and wished you’d known a few things ahead of the struggle? Or maybe you were offered some “heads up” advice when enduring a hard time and found that the advice you received drastically empowered you through the situation. This blog shares some helpful tips for parents and other family members who are new to facing the crisis of addiction, alcoholism or Substance Use Disorder (referred to as “SUD”) with a loved one.

3 Months into Recovery and He Doesn’t Show an Ounce of Gratitude

This mom has been able to successfully use CRAFT principles to shepherd her son into treatment and to support him during early recovery. However, her son’s lack of gratitude is beginning to feel unbearable. AlliesinRecovery.net Director Dominique Simon-Levine weighs in with a reminder to practice communications skills, and to take care of yourself – all part of the CRAFT curriculum at Allies.

We’ve Set Our Boundaries. He’s Breaking Them.

When it comes to their son’s involvement with drugs, Lovingmom11 and her husband are clear about where their boundaries are. Their son, regrettably, is crossing that line. Although he has taken some positive steps—including seven months of drug treatment—he is still using pot, and has returned to selling it. Now his parents are considering an ultimatum: stop selling or move out. Allies writer Laurie MacDougall makes a case for pressing the pause button. Taking the time to apply CRAFT skills with a Loved One can build the relationship and make positive change far more likely.

Speaking Up: The Compassionate Way

How do you communicate when you see problematic behavior? The key is intention: observing behavior, and pointing it out calmly and thoughtfully. The idea is to briefly and specifically tell your loved one how the behavior impacts you, then step back without expectation of an outcome, and give them the dignity of processing what you’ve said. Over time, this CRAFT tool can lead to long-term change.

Speaking Up: The Compassionate Way

How do you communicate when you see problematic behavior? The key is intention: observing behavior, and pointing it out calmly and thoughtfully. The idea is to briefly and specifically tell your loved one how the behavior impacts you, then step back without expectation of an outcome, and give them the dignity of processing what you’ve said. Over time, this CRAFT tool can lead to long-term change.

How Can This Mom Ask Her Son to Seek Help for Mental Health and Addiction?

An AlliesinRecovery.net member has written in for help surrounding how to communicate effectively with her son. Specifically, she wants to talk to him about getting some help with his mental health issues that exist concurrently and unquestionably challenge his substance misuse and recovery as a whole. Watching their loved one spiral downward is making the entire family feel distraught, and mom speaks of feeling like she’s “dying inside.” We answer with some CRAFT-informed ideas – with a 60-70% success rate at shepherding a loved one into treatment – to help her approach this tricky issue.

Giving Your Loved One Trust and Agency

Kayla and Laurie discuss short-term vs. long-term change — start by working on one change in yourself rather than in your loved one, like focusing on your thought process, choosing to trust and step back, giving your loved one the chance to make decisions. This gives both of you the tools for slower, but more effective long-term change — think of erosion, not a tsunami.

After So Much Hard Work, He’s Slipping. How Can I Help?

Your Loved One’s journey is in their hands. But CRAFT skills can make your vital support most effective. Renee’s son has been struggling with substance use for 15 years. He’s fighting hard for his own recovery, and that includes rebuilding his career. But lately, he appears to be slipping. For his parents, and for Allies writer Laurie MacDougall, this is something of an alarm bell. The good news is that Renee’s there to support him—and reaching out to Allies for the skills and support to do so.

Asking Effective Questions

Laurie and Kayla discuss questions that create space for your loved one rather than hemming them in. We may have brilliant ideas about what others should do and want to share. However, the skills we need are openness and willingness, to provide space to hear the other person and provide an opportunity for them to process. Back up, don’t interrupt, and let your loved one talk without offering feedback.

Asking Effective Questions

Laurie and Kayla discuss asking questions that create space for your loved one rather than hemming them in. We may have brilliant ideas about what someone should do, and want to share. The skills we need, however, are openness and a willingness to hear the other person and provide space and opportunity for them to process. Back up, don’t interrupt, and let your loved one talk without offering your feedback.

Does This Level of Violence Rule Out CRAFT?

Nohp’s husband of 48 years is struggling with heavy alcohol use. Recently his behavior has become more alarming, and even violent. Now she’s staying outside their home, and wondering if that violence means the CRAFT approach isn’t right for their circumstances. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine thinks it probably is. While underscoring that no one can decide for her, she advises Nohp to explore the skills training and support resources offered through Allies in Recovery. Quite simply, they work, and have a track record to prove it.

Please Help Me Improve What I Say to Her

Words matter so much — both the ones we speak or write, and the one we choose not to. Fletcher921’s daughter uses meth and opioids, and was recently suspended from her job. She showed her mother the suspension letter from her employer — an act of real trust. Her mother put effort and heart into her reply, but wants to do even better next time. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall reflects on how CRAFT could help in this effort, and the possible benefits for daughter and mother alike.

It Feels Like Nothing Works With Him

If we focus on what’s ours to control, change is possible all the same. CRAFT skills can help you get there. Elaine’s son is back in the hospital, in a routine that’s become all too familiar to his parents. They’ve tried to help in many ways, but the health crises and the drug use that leads to them don’t seem to be changing, and Elaine’s begun to doubt they ever will. Laurie MacDougall gently challenges this idea. While a Loved One’s life isn’t ours to change, our own words, feelings, and behavior are. Allies in Recovery is committed to helping us learn to take control of these, and thereby give our Loved Ones the most effective support we can.

Do I Want to Have Children With Him?

There’s nothing simple about such a question. But here are some pointers in the search for answers. Whits wants children and loves her partner. But is she prepared to raise children with someone who’s progress with his SUD is uncertain? No one, of course, can answer that for her. But if there is a way forward together, it will require compassionate communication, as well as boundaries and self-care. That’s where the CRAFT approach can be so powerfully helpful.

Unsolicited Advice: Helpful or Hurtful?

On this episode of our podcast “Coming Up for Air”,  hosts Laurie MacDougall,  Dominique Simon-Levine and Kayla Solomon talk about unsolicited advice. It’s smart to avoid giving unsolicited advice. If you receive it, hold your ground, knowing that you’re dedicated to upholding the CRAFT model. Consider telling the advice-giver to look into CRAFT to understand what you’re doing.

We’ve Never Talked About His Substance Use!

An Alliesinrecovery.net member and family were on the verge of doing a classic intervention on their grown son whose drinking and weed smoking were wreaking havoc across the entire family. Then they discovered Allies in Recovery and CRAFT. Excited about acquiring this new skill set, the family remains nervous about how to best leverage the approach, knowing that they’ve never talked openly as a family about the substance use, the conflict, or their own concerns. Where do they begin?

Boundaries and Rewards: Tips on Using CRAFT

An Allies in Recovery member is encountering difficulties with removing rewards and holding boundaries. They’re asking their loved one to leave when he’s drinking, but he simply refuses! In this post, we offer a little refresher on rewards – when to use them, and what kinds – as part of the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) approach that we teach you on our website.

CRAFT is Working – Despite a Relapse

An Allies in Recovery member wrote in with this bittersweet account. She shares with us her daughter’s words and feelings, confirming that she clearly felt Mom’s love, respect and support… even when Mom felt she might be holding too tightly to her boundaries and thus damaging their bond. The bitter note is that her daughter recently returned to the drugs and to the bad-boy boyfriend, also an opiate user. If you’d like to read some compelling proof that CRAFT is working, even when you’re not sure it is, read on…

My Son’s Drug is Meth

She knows her son needs help, but he often disappears for long stretches of time right after he starts opening up to her. Read on for Dominique Simon-Levine’s insights as she lays out some important considerations for this situation.

Help! We Need a New Approach

She’s fed up with her son’s patterns of non-communication. Whenever his use is addressed, he withdraws and shuts off communication. When he does reach out, it always seems to be on his terms. How do you take the wheel when it feels like your loved one is used to calling all the shots?

Learning to Mother Again

The family drug court is granting this mother in recovery more access to her child. But the grandparents, who are raising their granddaughter, are concerned that their daughter is not ready. How can they support their daughter when they themselves are unsure of her ability to return to parenting?

Podcast: “Interview with Annie’s Son Elliot”

On this week’s Coming Up for Air podcast, Annie and Laurie talk with Annie’s son Elliot, whose opiate dependency and recovery is detailed in Annie’s book “Unhooked.” Elliot opens up with an honest, raw perspective of where a son or daughter’s mind might be while in active addiction, what would have helped from his point of view, what to not take personally as the parent of someone struggling deep in substance use disorder. He also tells us what life looks like for someone in their 20’s pursuing sobriety yet wanting a fun, active lifestyle.

Podcast: “A House Divided Stands No Chance”

This week Annie and Laurie invite Laurie’s husband Trevor and Annie’s ex-husband Elliot Sr. to discuss what it means to “be on the same page” during a crisis and when making decisions. The conversation touches on blended families, exposing siblings to potentially dangerous behaviors, intrusions from others, being in agreement even though divorced.

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

My Mom is an Expert at Arguing (part 2)

Vitriol can be described as a solution-less rant of hate-filled criticism. A brand of sulfuric acid was named Vitriol, reason being that the acid was strong enough to burn through anything, including steel and rock. Another permanent boundary I now have: I will not remain in the presence of vitriol.

Can We Protect Them from Overdose?

How do you keep from encouraging further drug use by raising the bottom and protecting your loved one from overdose? How as a family member do you live with the dangers your loved one is facing, day in and day out? How do you avoid depleting your energy and becoming obsessed with the circumstances of your loved one’s life?

Live Like the Moon: Why Gentle Influence Works

When your loved one is abusing alcohol or drugs, engaging in dangerous activities, or making life decisions you dislike, the natural impulse is to try and change your loved one’s behavior…. But as Allies in Recovery’s online program teaches, you cannot change other people. You can only change yourself.