Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

A Chink in the Armor of their Denial is DAY ONE of the Healing and Recovery Process

Woman in denial

In this blog post, Dr. Dominique Simon-Levine helps us understand how denial functions in addiction. Once you have a better understanding of denial’s role, she teaches you a few skills from the CRAFT* approach taught by Allies. CRAFT helps you learn to identify key moments to reach out and help get your loved one on the road to recovery. In a video snippet from one of the Allies in Recovery Training Modules, you’ll learn about recognizing when your addicted loved one expresses a “wish” or a “dip,” – that chink in the armor of denial — and what to do when you identify one.

What does it mean to be in denial? What if every time you see your loved one try some way to control their use, what you are seeing is a chink in the armor of their denial?

What if it’s only momentary, a small blip of acceptance – perhaps just enough for that first day of low or no use?

You never get to day two in recovery without passing through day one.

Understanding what denial is and how it functions in addiction is one key to opening the door of recovery. If you’ve ever weighed the pros or cons of stopping a habit, whether it be a drug or cigarettes, ice cream, or horse betting, you’ve passed through denial on your way to figuring out those pros and cons.

It’s human nature to delay facing a painful truth, particularly when it has to do with mental illness or addiction. We often hear people say that their loved one is “in denial” about their behavior or substance use.

Denial means you ignore a problem, minimize the concerns of others, or blame outside factors for the behavior. This is the kind of thinking that fuels continued use of drugs and/or alcohol. Denial is a huge factor for most people struggling with addiction.

As one person recovering from addiction told us, “Being [in] denial” creates a more acceptable reality. But being in denial isn’t all or nothing. I can cover/enhance my reality with drugs, but that reality comes back in spades when I am not high.”

Many of our loved ones who struggle with addiction will engage in denial by minimizing the effects of their addiction: “I can still go to work, I’m okay.” “Most people think I’m funny when I’m drinking. It really isn’t a problem.”  Some will use denial to blame their situation on others: “I’d be just fine if you didn’t bother me about it”. Or “When you bug me about it, I want to drink more.” Or they blame it on their situation: “I’d be fine if that accident hadn’t happened.” “Things would be different if my partner respected me.” Still others are in denial about the effects of their addiction on others. “My use isn’t any of your business. It’s not hurting our family.”

When your loved one talks like this, you may think there is no getting through that wall of denial. They seem entrenched in their position.

But, what if denial is more fluid, and less static, than most people think? What if instead of being black or white, denial instead involves constantly shifting shades of grey? What does denial even mean?

What does being in denial mean? Can someone with addiction ever get past denial?

When a loved one refuses to accept there is a problem, we are told they are in denial. What if the explanation was far more complex and fluid? It turns out denial can come from many sources contributing to our psychological make-up.

Scientists have a term for a symptom linked to serious mental illness; they call it Anosognosia. Also called “lack of insight,” Anosognosia is a symptom of severe mental illness experienced by some that impairs a person’s ability to understand and perceive his or her illness.  In fact, Anosognosia comes from the Greek and means “Having no knowledge of a disease.” Anosognosia is the single largest reason why people with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder refuse medications or do not seek treatment. Anosognosia sounds a lot like what many call denial. Click here to watch a video with Dr. Amador and learn more.

Denial can make someone feel safe – but it’s damaging them instead.

Denial is an innate coping mechanism that protects us from overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and loss. These feelings may stem from a person’s childhood and other life experiences. Internalized, guilt, shame, and loss are corrosive, and being in denial may cover them up – but it doesn’t really help the person heal. For some, that corrosiveness ends up expressing itself in addictive behaviors like addiction to drugs and/or alcohol.

Importantly, being in denial means that the person is unable to see clearly the outcomes of their behavior. They are not in touch with the consequences of their denial – consequences arising from behaviors they allow themselves, while they are armored up with denial.

But whether denial is based in our biology, upbringing, or some degree of illness, denial is not some black static wall. I contend that denial needs to be seen and assessed every day – especially when working to reach a loved one with addiction. When your loved one is holding on tight to denial, you feel like there is no way to communicate with them; and you may feel like nothing will ever get better. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking. But… There is a way out of denial and toward recovery, and you can help your loved one get there.

Consider assessing denial in your loved one every day. Use the CRAFT* approach.

Although denial may be partly a natural defense mechanism, the science of CRAFT shows us there are moments when denial is low and loved ones can connect a consequence to their use. You can learn to recognize when there is even a small opening in the wall of denial your addicted loved one has put up. Even the smallest opening can provide a key opportunity. You might notice it as a new effort to control their use. Sometimes the chink in the armor of denial sounds like a “wish” or a “dip,” as in our Training Module video snippet below.

How to get your loved one to open up and share in a moment when denial is low.

The key lesson from the video is: When you learn to hear a “wish” or a “dip” from your addicted loved one, you may find that there is some space to offer assistance – and it’s important to be ready with what to say, and to be ready with specific resources to suggest for recovery. Learning and practicing CRAFT at AlliesinRecovery.net makes you better informed and better skilled at addressing addiction in your family. If you are in relationship with someone who seems completely oblivious to their addiction, don’t despair. You can learn to draw out your loved one, and learn to engage them into wellness programs and treatment. 

Please don’t wait for the door of denial to magically fall open — use Allies in Recovery and the CRAFT approach to learn how to tell when your loved one is wishing for a change. As a father of a loved one with addiction once told me, “I had to learn how to gently coax the little animal out of the woods.” Once he learned the skills of CRAFT, he was able to help his loved one turn that “chink in the armor of denial” into a real opening and opportunity for the path to recovery. Allies in Recovery helps get you there – we’ll train you to find the openings, to know when and how to talk (and how not to talk) with your addicted loved one, and to be ready with suggestions for resources.

Join us today – we have a free trial membership running. If you want to see more of what we are about, check out more of our free public blogs, and check out our overwhelmingly positive reviews – we’ve helped thousands of family members just like you. Like us on Facebook to see our regular public blog and podcast posts.

*The CRAFT method was first developed by Robert J. Myers, PhD. Focusing on how family members can learn about addiction and be trained to use specific communication techniques with the addicted person, CRAFT is the most effective way to help get your loved one into recovery, as shown by numerous studies.

According to one study, 74% of those with addiction will enter recovery when CRAFT is practiced by family members and others around them. Lee K. An underappreciated interventionMonitor on Psychology. 2017;48(11). Another published study compares CRAFT to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon and found that 67% will enter recovery when CRAFT is used, compared to just 29% with the other approaches. Miller WR, Meyers RJ, Tonigan JS. Engaging the unmotivated in treatment for alcohol problems: a comparison of three strategies for intervention through family membersJ Consult Clin Psychol. 1999;67(5):688-697.

Allies in Recovery provides support and guidance on how to identify and cope with the flood of emotions you are feeling. The CRAFT method teaches you the strategies and skills to engage your loved one on a path of recovery. At Allies we provide you with information critical to understanding your loved one’s alcohol/drug addiction, and train you in the important role you can play in guiding them to recovery.

A membership at Allies in Recovery brings you into contact with experts in CRAFT and the field of recovery and treatment for substance use. Our unique, award-winning learning platform introduces you to CRAFT and guides you through the latest in evidence-based techniques for unblocking the situation. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery.

To sign up for our 7-day trial free offer to become a member of Allies in Recovery eLearning program, click here. If after your 7-day trial, you decide at any time it’s not for you, the membership fee of $59 is fully refundable.

 Some of Our Collaborators

SUPPLEMENT- HBO film
RICARES
RICARES
REST
REST
Rushford Health Care
Palm Beach county logo
Seal-of-Rhode-Island
Loading

Related Posts from "Connection"

“What We All Require Is To Be Heard”: Kayla Solomon On Effective Communication and Connection

In March 2023, Allies in Recovery’s very own Kayla Solomon led a 90-minute ZOOM conversation with leaders of the East Bay chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) based in Sacramento, California. The result was a dynamic primer on the use of CRAFT, the Allies approach to building trust and connection with Loved Ones, and the vital role of listening and affirming when supporting a Loved One with mental health and/or substance use challenges. Click above to watch the recording.

How CRAFT Can Help: Supporting Your Partner to Successfully Moderate Opiate Use

His partner is trying to moderate her use of heroin and methamphetamine with no formal support. Her use consumes so much of his partner’s life that it’s hard to see her “moderation” as progress. But his loved one wants him to acknowledge how “well” she’s doing, and there hasn’t been room for more discussion. Read on for suggested strategies from AlliesinRecovery.net to engage his partner into treatment, using the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach.

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

I Meant Well. Did My Words Make Him Start Drinking Again?

A recurrence never occurs for one reason alone. It’s rare that words of love are to blame. Yet as linsachacko31 recently discovered, even words meant to celebrate a Loved One’s accomplishments can be taken in a way we don’t intend. Laurie MacDougall reflects how easily this can happen, and some simple ways we can change our approach to those vital, if challenging, moments of connection.

My Son is Using Again. Should I Confront Him?

When you are trying your best to work with a family member in recovery from Substance Use Disorder (SUD), it can be frightening and disappointing to discover they are using again. What to do? One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members wrote in about her son having a recurrence of use, and she wonders whether she should confront him or not. She feels she can’t bear the emotional rollercoaster of her son’s recovery journey. We weigh in with some reminders from the CRAFT approach about how to manage her own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. We suggest she stay the course and not confront him – at least not yet.

In-Person & Virtual Recovery Resources for Your Loved One

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (AA World Services, Inc.) Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. This is an informational website for anyone interested in learning more about their organization, 12-step program of recovery, and how to find local meetings. PHONE: 212.870.3400 Click here for Online AA Meetings What is AA? What to Expect in an AA Meeting  What is Anonymity in AA?  AA INTERGROUP ONLINE MEETING FINDER IN THE ROOMS In The Rooms offers over 150+ weekly live online meetings, a variety 12-Step and Non-12- Step Fellowships, and Specialty meetings. Some of our most popular meetings are AA, NA, ACA, Al-Anon, and Nar-Anon meetings, and much more. In The Rooms has 69 live online AA meetings weekly, so there’s bound to be one that fits your schedule! We have specialty AA meetings too, like AA Pride (LGBTQ). We also have an Agnostic AA meeting, if you’re seeking a meeting without a secular approach to recovery. We have 30 NA meetings on ITR weekly. Like AA, there’s also an NA Pride meeting (LGBTQ) and an Agnostic NA meeting. For support for the family, friends, and allies of those in recovery, In The Rooms has both Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, which each meeting, 1-3 times a week. We also have many other 12-step fellowship groups, like Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Sex Addicts Anonymous, CODA, Dual Diagnosis, and much more. If you can think of a Recovery fellowship, we probably have it.  FULL LISTING of LIVE VIRTUAL/ONLINE MEETINGS  12Step.Org We strive to provide information, tools, and resources for working a 12 Step program (or any program using 12 step principles for recovery) in as simple and effective way as possible. Online Meeting Calendar Online Video Meetings Phone Meetings Forums, Text Chats, and Email Meetings List RECOVERY DHARMA Recovery Dharma is a peer-led movement and community that is unified by our trust in the potential of each of us to recover and find freedom from the suffering of addiction. We believe that the traditional Buddhist teachings, often referred to as…

Giving Your Loved One Trust and Agency

Kayla and Laurie discuss short-term vs. long-term change — start by working on one change in yourself rather than in your loved one, like focusing on your thought process, choosing to trust and step back, giving your loved one the chance to make decisions. This gives both of you the tools for slower, but more effective long-term change — think of erosion, not a tsunami.

Giving Your Loved One Trust and Agency

Kayla and Laurie discuss short-term vs. long-term change — start by working on one change in yourself rather than in your loved one, like focusing on your thought process, choosing to trust and step back, giving your loved one the chance to make decisions. This gives both of you the tools for slower, but more effective long-term change — think of erosion, not a tsunami.

Please Help Me Improve What I Say to Her

Words matter so much — both the ones we speak or write, and the one we choose not to. Fletcher921’s daughter uses meth and opioids, and was recently suspended from her job. She showed her mother the suspension letter from her employer — an act of real trust. Her mother put effort and heart into her reply, but wants to do even better next time. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall reflects on how CRAFT could help in this effort, and the possible benefits for daughter and mother alike.

Do I Want to Have Children With Him?

There’s nothing simple about such a question. But here are some pointers in the search for answers. Whits wants children and loves her partner. But is she prepared to raise children with someone who’s progress with his SUD is uncertain? No one, of course, can answer that for her. But if there is a way forward together, it will require compassionate communication, as well as boundaries and self-care. That’s where the CRAFT approach can be so powerfully helpful.

He May Be Near Rock Bottom — Do We Leave Him in This Hole?

An AlliesinRecovery.net member wrote in to our “Pose a Question” blog, giving an honest and clear picture of their situation with a loved one. He finished school, got a job and apartment, and then…got arrested, went to rehab, but was discharged for being uncooperative. Now he’s on the street with nothing. People around the family are saying not to let him come back home. Read our surprising answer, informed by the CRAFT approach at Allies in Recovery.