Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

I Have no Patience Left

Dominique Simon July 10, 2019
Fishing Boat and Lighthouse
Our Allies member laments a judge’s missed opportunity to get her loved one into treatment. Her first night out of jail, she stayed out all night drinking. This mother is at a loss, feeling she doesn’t have the patience to practice CRAFT right now.

This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To sign up for our special offer and benefit from the Allies in Recovery eLearning program, click here.

“My daughter was released on Friday and unfortunately the judge was extremely lenient with her. She does not need to fulfill the 2 week inpatient, nor do the 6 month outpatient. She is on administrative probation. If she breaks probation she goes back to Framingham for 6 months.

Her first night out, she went back to her apartment and went out with friends, stayed out all night and was drinking.

We had a deal with her that if she made appointments with intensive outpatient for her impulsive personality disorder etc. and made appointments with a new therapist for twice weekly etc. we would pay her Cobra and help with rent and food. She has not provided any of this, so we are not helping out financially. She is extremely overwhelmed and blaming everyone else for her problems. I am going to her psychiatry appt with her on Wed night. He will tell her she no longer needs the meds he had previously prescribed her (thank God) and that he may provide a mood stabilizer and recommendation for additional treatment.

I have no patience left and have told her she can not move home. Reading through the modules for guidance, but not in the mindset to accept them.”

Dominique Simon-Levine guides this mother through this difficult and chaotic time

The criminal justice system is not designed to help people into treatment and recovery, though there’s a sputter of effort coming from drug courts. I don’t blame you for being angry. The system missed an opportunity to put some clear limits around your daughter, limits that would have pushed her in the right direction.

All of what you describe can be considered consequences of her use. Step back for now. Let her feel the overwhelming mess her life is in. You are correct not to help out financially. You have managed to get the psychiatrist to understand the situation and he will be pulling back his prescribing of drugs of abuse. This is a significant shift that is in the works.

Practice Patience

Keep the list of treatments by your side. Doing nothing is an ACTION. Practice patience. Wait for her to ask for your help. Your daughter’s life is largely unmanageable and she doesn’t know where to turn right now. She will almost certainly ask you for help. The request will be for things other than treatment, but you have set up the leverage: Cobra, food and rent in exchange for attending therapy. Keep repeating this as a mantra. Reinforcing this mantra with calmness and compassion will provide meaningful direction when the time is right.

You’ve got the essence of the CRAFT approach. Even though you don’t feel the patience for it right now, you are doing CRAFT.

I know it doesn’t feel good but there is progress. Life is closing in on your daughter. Be as prepared as you can be for when she cries “uncle.”

As part of the treatment list, you may want to consider looking into the paperwork in your state for a civil commitment. This could be something else you have at the ready, if your daughter doesn’t choose help and it seems like the danger is growing. If you are unable to remain patient and/or you remain terrified, this is a resource for you to add to your list.

She is in free fall; let her feel it

This is a difficult part of the cycle we always refer to. She is in free fall of sorts, yet she has some understanding that abusing drugs and alcohol plays a huge role in the mess around her. Your daughter is probably using to forget the mess that is her life, and to take away the very bad feelings of anxiety and worry. Drugs do that. They put you in a little artificial bubble, they pull up the bottom, and make you feel okay, even great, for the moment. If only it could last – but it doesn’t. She is waking to hangovers, her life strewn all around. Let her feel it. Let it sink in (read more about natural consequences).

Jail is not rehab. You daughter was forced into abstinence by being locked up without any intensive support for that abstinence. AA would call this white knuckling or being a “dry drunk.” It makes sense she would run, not walk, to a bottle of booze upon being released. It’s what we like to call a pit stop. She was given a pit stop between the door of jail and that of treatment, and she went through it. It takes only days to return to the same level of drug and alcohol use, the same problems.

Take time for yourself to replenish

Let that whole situation sink in for her. Hang on and be patient right now. Know that you are doing the right things. You are wise to reflect on your own state of mind and name the frustration, anger and resistance you are feeling as you go through the modules. This makes it clear that you need to replenish your own energies, pull back from the chaos and negative thoughts, and recharge. Focus on your own well-being. Take a time out in whatever way you can. Make it a few minutes or an hour or whatever works for you. Try to do this every day. This will require patience too.

If you’ve hit a wall and your receptivity to the modules, etc is at a low, you can’t force your way through. Rest, digest your feelings, find a way to make peace with them and let them go. Then come back to things fresh and know that you are doing a great job. Know that you can find your way back in with compassion for yourself and an open heart. Let the pressure off yourself. You are doing a great job.

Your description makes the situation you find yourself in palpable. We are here with you.

Since 2003, Allies in Recovery has addressed substance abuse in families by providing a method for the family to change the conversation about addiction. We use Community Reinforcement & Family Training (CRAFT), a proven approach that helps the family unblock and advance the relationship towards sobriety and recovery and to engage a loved one into treatment. Learn about member benefits by following this link.

image © Pixabay

Categories: Asking a loved one to leave your home, CRAFT, Natural Consequences, Relapse, Self-Care for the Family Member
Tagged: , , , ,
Loading
Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

Related Posts from "CRAFT"

Trusting A Loved One in Early Recovery

Her husband is in early recovery, but he doesn’t want to share details with her. She’s nervous and struggling with trust due to his history of SUD and lying. She’s reluctant to let him come home, and unsure how to talk to him about it. Dominique weighs in with an idea of what to say based on the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach that we use at AlliesinRecovery.net.

Dominique Simon May 12, 2023

How CRAFT Can Help: Supporting Your Partner to Successfully Moderate Opiate Use

His partner is trying to moderate her use of heroin and methamphetamine with no formal support. Her use consumes so much of his partner’s life that it’s hard to see her “moderation” as progress. But his loved one wants him to acknowledge how “well” she’s doing, and there hasn’t been room for more discussion. Read on for suggested strategies from AlliesinRecovery.net to engage his partner into treatment, using the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach.

Allies in Recovery May 5, 2023

How to Use the CRAFT Approach to Communicate with a Loved One Living with Substance Use Disorder

Substance Use Disorder can often involve volatile emotions on all sides. When family members use the CRAFT approach that we teach at AlliesinRecovery.net, it can help disentangle emotions from practicalities, leading to greater calm and more effective outcomes. This mom recently had an exchange with her son who is struggling with Substance Use Disorder (SUD), but held back from responding in fear it would end in a heated argument. So, she to turned to Allies for guidance. Read on for some pointers on how best to communicate with a loved one in active addiction using the CRAFT approach.

Laurie MacDougall April 28, 2023

He’s on Suboxone and Hiding Away for Most of the Day. We are Worried.

Her son was using heroin, and he just got out of jail. He reached out for mom’s help and asked to live at home as he starts recovery, and he is getting MAT (Medication Assisted Treatment), specifically Suboxone. But he’s secluding himself so much at home she can’t tell what he’s up to. He’s accessing counseling and groups remotely, but he stays holed up in his room all the time and rarely emerges. Mom worries about his isolating so much and whether he might be using. We weigh in with some thoughts about the varied aspects of early recovery, and with some reminders about practicing CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training.)

Dominique Simon April 14, 2023

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

Dominique Simon March 31, 2023

How Do I Prepare for My Daughter with SUD to Come Home? And What About Her Boyfriend?

Her daughter is involved with a man who may be sabotaging her efforts to stop using substances. But she’s expressed some readiness to get help, and mom wants to support her in any way that she can. Mom’s working on ignoring the bad-news boyfriend while setting up guidelines for her return home. She needs guidance on the details…Allies in Recovery weighs in with some CRAFT-based tips.

Dominique Simon March 24, 2023

Her Partner is Not Improving from Substance Use Disorder. Is There an Underlying Mental Health Condition?

One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members as been artfully following the CRAFT principles and yet her loved one is not showing signs of improvement. Engaging in extreme behavior, barely ever sleeping, misusing his ADHD medication, lying, and now, stealing… Is it all on the addiction or could her partner suffer from an underlying, undiagnosed and untreated mental health condition?

Dominique Simon March 17, 2023

Shall We Dance?

CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn’t a traditional dance – it’s a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn’t, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It’s a process.

Allies in Recovery March 13, 2023

The Important Difference Between Bribes, Incentives, and Positive Reinforcement

A mom wrote in asking for guidance on whether she should offer to reward her son for attending addiction recovery group meetings. However, she is unsure if she’s implementing the CRAFT concept of “rewards” correctly. Laurie MacDougall, an Allies in Recovery virtual program trainer – who herself has a loved one with SUD – explains the important differences between bribes, incentives, and positive reinforcement. Laurie advises steering away from the first two and sticking with positive reinforcement instead.

Laurie MacDougall March 10, 2023

“He Wants Us to Live Together, but He’s Drinking” – What to Say, and When?

Her boyfriend texted her about his desire to move in together; she suspects he did so under the influence. She is growing frustrated with his substance use and feels the need to step back. In retrospect, she fears she missed the opportunity to respond to what we, at Allies in Recovery, call a “wish” – an important moment of “change talk,” an opening for you to step in and suggest recovery options. It can be a key part of implementing the CRAFT skills we teach at Allies. So, what can she do now?

Dominique Simon March 3, 2023

Now He’s Abusing His ADHD Medication. What to do?

Her long-time partner added a new drug to the usual mix of cannabis and alcohol: now he’s got a prescription for ADHD meds and is blowing through a month’s supply in 5 days. He blames all his negative behaviors on his underlying depression. How can she be helpful to her partner, without playing into his victim mentality? She feels like she might want to give up on his recovery and ask him to move out…but we have some great CRAFT-informed tips for strategies she can try first.

Dominique Simon February 24, 2023

His Early Recovery Is Triggering Me

Her loved one has been abstinent from substance use for weeks. With steady recovery inputs, including a medication, he is doing better. However, he recently adopted a deeply confrontational stance and has shifted to some alternative addictive behaviors. Our AlliesinRecovery.net member, feeling hurt and lost, wonders how to address these new challenges. Laurie MacDougall uses some examples from her son’s recovery journey to help paint a picture of more successful interactions that can let some of the tension out of the situation. Read this blog post for some CRAFT-informed ways to handle triggers, boundaries, and power struggles.

Laurie MacDougall February 17, 2023

She’s Using Again and Gone Missing.

A worried mom wrote in to share news of her daughter’s recurrence after 6 months of recovery from AUD (Alcohol Use Disorder). To complicate matters, the daughter had been off on a binge and out of touch for a week. Obviously, this kind of situation is never easy for a worried parent, family member, or significant other. The mom is using our eLearning Modules to remind herself of important CRAFT principles. We weigh in with some supportive reminders about resilience – hers and her daughter’s – and the reminder that recovery is never a straight line or an on-off switch; we call it the “spiral of recovery.”  

Dominique Simon February 10, 2023

My Son is Using Again. Should I Confront Him?

When you are trying your best to work with a family member in recovery from Substance Use Disorder (SUD), it can be frightening and disappointing to discover they are using again. What to do? One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members wrote in about her son having a recurrence of use, and she wonders whether she should confront him or not. She feels she can’t bear the emotional rollercoaster of her son’s recovery journey. We weigh in with some reminders from the CRAFT approach about how to manage her own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. We suggest she stay the course and not confront him – at least not yet.

Dominique Simon February 3, 2023

How Can We Help our Daughter Find Residential Treatment?

What her daughter needs—a solid residential treatment program for women—should not be so hard to find. Unfortunately, such programs often are. We sorted through some of the options in the state where this Allies in Recovery member lives, so she can focus her search on a program most likely to help her daughter continue to improve. The family can also keep doing CRAFT to help support the relationship with their daughter in recovery, and to take care of themselves in the process. Staying in touch with Allies staff can also help support them.

Dominique Simon January 20, 2023

“Heads Up” Tips for Those New to SUD

Have you ever looked back on a particularly stressful time in your life and wished you’d known a few things ahead of the struggle? Or maybe you were offered some “heads up” advice when enduring a hard time and found that the advice you received drastically empowered you through the situation. This blog shares some helpful tips for parents and other family members who are new to facing the crisis of addiction, alcoholism or Substance Use Disorder (referred to as “SUD”) with a loved one.

annieunhooked January 6, 2023

Did I Do CRAFT Wrong and Trigger Him to Drink?

She thought her husband was drinking, so she left. He called and said he wasn’t drinking, so she came home, but by then he’d gone out and he did drink. This wife feels she inadvertently triggered her husband to go drink. Did she? She also feels like she messed everything up with one episode of removing rewards. Did she really? The CRAFT approach has us “remove rewards,” including removing ourselves, when our loved one is using substances. CRAFT also asks you to make numerous split-second decisions every day. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes.  In the post below, we walk through this scenario with some CRAFT ABC’s.

isabel December 30, 2022

3 Months into Recovery and He Doesn’t Show an Ounce of Gratitude

This mom has been able to successfully use CRAFT principles to shepherd her son into treatment and to support him during early recovery. However, her son’s lack of gratitude is beginning to feel unbearable. AlliesinRecovery.net Director Dominique Simon-Levine weighs in with a reminder to practice communications skills, and to take care of yourself – all part of the CRAFT curriculum at Allies.

Dominique Simon December 23, 2022

He May Be Spending the Holidays in Jail. Should I Bail Him Out?

Anger and resentment towards her loved one has transformed – with one event – into love and fear. He was arrested out of state for dealing drugs and driving under the influence. The family has confirmation that he has indeed been using meth again. Now, the holiday together is in question, and she wonders how much to share with the family. The CRAFT approach suggests “removing rewards” and “allowing natural consequences.” Read on to see our view that the arrest might end up helping the situation and getting him to treatment.

Dominique Simon December 16, 2022
Hands - Arms - Support

In-Person & Virtual Recovery Resources for Your Loved One

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (AA World Services, Inc.) Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. This is an informational website for anyone interested in learning more about their organization, 12-step program of recovery, and how to find local meetings. PHONE: 212.870.3400 Click here for Online AA Meetings What is AA? What to Expect in an AA Meeting  What is Anonymity in AA?  AA INTERGROUP ONLINE MEETING FINDER IN THE ROOMS In The Rooms offers over 150+ weekly live online meetings, a variety 12-Step and Non-12- Step Fellowships, and Specialty meetings. Some of our most popular meetings are AA, NA, ACA, Al-Anon, and Nar-Anon meetings, and much more. In The Rooms has 69 live online AA meetings weekly, so there’s bound to be one that fits your schedule! We have specialty AA meetings too, like AA Pride (LGBTQ). We also have an Agnostic AA meeting, if you’re seeking a meeting without a secular approach to recovery. We have 30 NA meetings on ITR weekly. Like AA, there’s also an NA Pride meeting (LGBTQ) and an Agnostic NA meeting. For support for the family, friends, and allies of those in recovery, In The Rooms has both Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, which each meeting, 1-3 times a week. We also have many other 12-step fellowship groups, like Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Sex Addicts Anonymous, CODA, Dual Diagnosis, and much more. If you can think of a Recovery fellowship, we probably have it.  FULL LISTING of LIVE VIRTUAL/ONLINE MEETINGS  12Step.Org We strive to provide information, tools, and resources for working a 12 Step program (or any program using 12 step principles for recovery) in as simple and effective way as possible. Online Meeting Calendar Online Video Meetings Phone Meetings Forums, Text Chats, and Email Meetings List RECOVERY DHARMA Recovery Dharma is a peer-led movement and community that is unified by our trust in the potential of each of us to recover and find freedom from the suffering of addiction. We believe that the traditional Buddhist teachings, often referred to as…

Allies in Recovery December 16, 2022