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She’s Back From Rehab But on Shaky Ground

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Dominique Simon March 22, 2019
Grassy Train Tracks

Her loved one has returned home after a 90 day rehab program. She was hoping for a grace period, but her daughter swiftly returned to her tired old behaviors. She’s on shaky ground. Struggling just to make ends meet, hoping for a breakthrough in their communications, she reaches out for help.

*This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To take advantage of our current special offer and get full access to the Allies in Recovery eLearning program for families, click here.

Dominique, I re-read your reply to my previous post about preparing for our daughter’s return after treatment and will have that discussion that you suggested (i.e. checking in at the end of each week…). I asked her on Thursday to choose a time to connect — she never did — but will continue to push for that this weekend. Also, I will try to plan how to communicate if she comes home showing signs of use, and will continue to reward any follow through w aftercare/recovery contract.

I fear that I’m seeing all the signs of impending relapse and feel shaken by it. I thought we’d at least have a brief honeymoon period before old behaviors returned. This is all the more difficult as a single parent with very few resources. If family home doesn’t work, I can’t just send her to sober living. I am barely making ends meet as it is. I don’t even know how I’m going to pay for her treatment (just completed), let alone the medical bills incurred when she was in/out of emergency departments and ambulances.

Dominique Simon-Levine assures this mother that she has valuable resources at her disposal

You are seeing signs of relapse already and your daughter just left a long period of residential treatment. It makes sense that you are feeling shaken. She’s home but is already spending nights out and isn’t participating in recovery activities.

This can indeed be the cycle. As a family member you have some tools: your communication, your behavior and responses, and the resources you can provide your daughter… These resources include your home and your helping her to find and engage with treatment.

I am sorry you haven’t been given even a brief period of peace. Your daughter is playing some with her newfound freedom. She was sounding shaky even before she left treatment. We knew this was a possibility from concerns voiced towards the end of her stay. But even without those red flags, this time of transition can be precarious

It may help to take a slightly longer view

While in treatment, your daughter was taught skills to manage life. She was educated about the cycle of addiction and can’t undo having received those lessons. She may seek out using friends, she may use, but the problems that come with this will be recognizable to her this time. Your daughter will recognize the utter and complete obsession for drugs that quickly returns, the fair-weather friends who are going nowhere in their lives. She will feel the complete frustration when those drugs and friends are nowhere to be  found.

Be detached and firm. Your home is temporary for her. She has a month (? …you set this limit) to settle in and to choose the direction she wants to head. You will do your best to stay out of the weeds (discussion of friends, drugs, her movements), and you will apply CRAFT.

If relapse is imminent, it can be more brief. Your daughter can recognize where she’s headed, start to recognize the patterns, and ask for help more quickly. Working CRAFT will help your daughter see you as the person to approach and ask for help should this happen

A planned conversation

Can you see yourself giving your daughter a set time period for being in your home? You’re pushing for a weekly sit down. When this next happens, perhaps the conversation goes something like this:

“I am so thankful you completed program XXX. That wasn’t easy and I am very proud of your efforts. Since you’ve been home, I’ve been feeling very scared for both of us. You’re staying out at night, and not participating in recovery activities. I can’t bear to think what will happen to you and to me if it all falls apart. I feel weak and worried. Of course, I want to give you time to find your footing but I can’t become your crash pad. Right now you have choices. But your options will soon change if you go back to daily drug use.

You are at a crossroads. You worked hard to get here. So did I. So take a month, a month from today, and settle in. If by April XXX, we conclude you are in trouble again, I will have a list of places where you can go. I’ve spent what money I had on Program XXX so the list will be harder to put together and the places will be less cushy. I am going to spend the month trying my best to stay out of the details of your life and working on my own part in this. I love you. Thank you for listening.”

Being a single mom is hard. The dedication and devotion to a child is the strongest I have ever witnessed – the bond is primary. I’m not knocking the fabulous dads I’ve had the privilege of meeting over the years, but there is something biological with motherhood. The strength of this bond is undeniable.

It’s time to use your CRAFT skills

Not having endless resources to put towards a loved one’s care is a reality for many. We need open-door, free, quality care in this country.

Remember that your daughter can walk into a recovery center, a self-help meeting, or into a state subsidized clinic and never use again. Take a few weeks and just work CRAFT. Use the rhythms of this approach to help anchor you so that your time isn’t consumed with projecting fears about the future. If at the end of the month the situation hasn’t changed, let us know. We can help you get that list together.

Go easy on yourself. Find that buffer between you and your daughter, where you can be independent of her, where you can stop thinking about her, and where you can instead focus some minutes – and hopefully even hours – on your own dear life, for today. One day at a time.

Yes, the family DOES have a role to play. Your stance, behavior, and choices DO make a difference. At Allies in Recovery we are absolutely convinced of this. “Tough love” is not a successful technique. Our learning platform is set up to help family members learn the techniques that will reduce conflict, build that bridge of communication, and be effective in guiding your loved one into treatment. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn more here.

image © MabelAmber via pixabay

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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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0 Comments

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AlliesInRecovery April 10, 2023
0 Comments

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0 Comments

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Did the Boundary I Set Make Him Drink Even More?

Jbernard116’s made an impressive start in applying CRAFT to this challenging situation. Unfortunately, the boundary she set didn’t immediately yield the behavior change she hopes for—and she even worries that it could have prompted her fiancé to drink even more heavily. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall responds with a careful review of CRAFT-informed options and strategies. Boundaries, she reminds us crucially, determine our behavior—not our Loved One’s.

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Laurie MacDougall January 13, 2023
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Allies in Recovery Holiday Schedule & Virtual Recovery Support Resource Directory

In observance of the holidays, Allies in Recovery will not be holding our CRAFT Skills, CRAFT Educational, or CRAFT Family Support Groups for the week of December 26th thru December 30th, 2022. We will return to our regular Live Support Schedule on Monday, January 2nd, 2023. If you’re in need of support, click above to read our member blog for details about supports offered by Allies in Recovery and a host of other organizations during the holidays and beyond. The Allies in Recovery Team wishes you and your loved one’s a safe and peaceful holiday.

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AlliesInRecovery December 22, 2022
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We’ve Set Our Boundaries. He’s Breaking Them.

When it comes to their son’s involvement with drugs, Lovingmom11 and her husband are clear about where their boundaries are. Their son, regrettably, is crossing that line. Although he has taken some positive steps—including seven months of drug treatment—he is still using pot, and has returned to selling it. Now his parents are considering an ultimatum: stop selling or move out. Allies writer Laurie MacDougall makes a case for pressing the pause button. Taking the time to apply CRAFT skills with a Loved One can build the relationship and make positive change far more likely.

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Laurie MacDougall December 5, 2022
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We Keep Paying. He Keeps Returning to Use. How Much Longer?

Kim has watched her son’s struggle with stimulants for years, and has paid for his treatment and housing along the way. Although he’s had repeated success with short-term Partial Hospitalization Programs (PHPs), he starts using again when he moves to a lower level of care. And the bills have added up. Kim wants to continue her support, but worries that she can’t sustain it. Fortunately, there are approaches that could break this cycle. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine has some informed and encouraging suggestions.

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Dominique Simon November 26, 2022
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A CRAFT Approach To Verbal Abuse

Provided the abuse isn’t physical, CRAFT can be your guide to a constructive response to negative interactions. Physical safety should come first in all relationships. But even in the absence of physical violence, a Loved One’s verbal abuse can be painful and damaging. As with other complications surrounding substance use disorder, CRAFT offers a clear, straightforward, and proven approach to dealing with harmful talk from a Loved One. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall outlines the fundamentals.

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Laurie MacDougall November 18, 2022
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He Won’t Agree to the Care We Know He Needs

Cwfranklin’s adult son smokes fentanyl. With his parents’ active support, he’s gone through various rounds of treatment. His recoveries have been substantial, but so far they haven’t lasted. Now his parents are considering “lines in the sand” to convince him to undertake a longer, multi-stage treatment plan. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine suggests an alternative: CRAFT-informed engagement that returns responsibility to their Loved One, where it belongs. 

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Dominique Simon November 11, 2022
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After So Much Hard Work, He’s Slipping. How Can I Help?

Your Loved One’s journey is in their hands. But CRAFT skills can make your vital support most effective. Renee’s son has been struggling with substance use for 15 years. He’s fighting hard for his own recovery, and that includes rebuilding his career. But lately, he appears to be slipping. For his parents, and for Allies writer Laurie MacDougall, this is something of an alarm bell. The good news is that Renee’s there to support him—and reaching out to Allies for the skills and support to do so.

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Laurie MacDougall November 4, 2022
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“We Are Absolutely the Worst People” in Her Life: When Mental Illness, SUD, and Blame Collide 

Your CRAFT skills may be put to the test, but they’re still indispensable. Perhaps more than ever. At Allies in Recovery, we’re always impressed by the mutual support our members give each other—and wherever possible, we try to build on it. At the heart of this post is a conversation about how to take care of your emotions while staying connected with your Loved One (LO). It leads to a stark question many of us coping with SUD grapple with: how do you support a Loved One who blames, rages, and is verbally out of control? Laurie MacDougall tackles this vital, thorny issue. 

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Laurie MacDougall October 28, 2022
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Does This Level of Violence Rule Out CRAFT?

Nohp’s husband of 48 years is struggling with heavy alcohol use. Recently his behavior has become more alarming, and even violent. Now she’s staying outside their home, and wondering if that violence means the CRAFT approach isn’t right for their circumstances. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine thinks it probably is. While underscoring that no one can decide for her, she advises Nohp to explore the skills training and support resources offered through Allies in Recovery. Quite simply, they work, and have a track record to prove it.

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Dominique Simon October 21, 2022
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Please Help Me Improve What I Say to Her

Words matter so much — both the ones we speak or write, and the one we choose not to. Fletcher921’s daughter uses meth and opioids, and was recently suspended from her job. She showed her mother the suspension letter from her employer — an act of real trust. Her mother put effort and heart into her reply, but wants to do even better next time. Allies’ Laurie MacDougall reflects on how CRAFT could help in this effort, and the possible benefits for daughter and mother alike.

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Laurie MacDougall October 14, 2022
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Don’t Give Up Too Soon On Medication-Assisted Treatment

Elaine’s son is struggling to quit opioids, but the path is hard. He’s had many rounds of detox, and is now trying to self-medicate. An initial attempt at Suboxone treatment made him feel emotionless and flat. But did it have to be that way? Allies’ CEO Dominique Simon-Levine reviews the challenges and great promise of Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT). MAT therapies often come with a period of adjustment for our Loved One’s.

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Dominique Simon October 7, 2022
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It Feels Like Nothing Works With Him

If we focus on what’s ours to control, change is possible all the same. CRAFT skills can help you get there. Elaine’s son is back in the hospital, in a routine that’s become all too familiar to his parents. They’ve tried to help in many ways, but the health crises and the drug use that leads to them don’t seem to be changing, and Elaine’s begun to doubt they ever will. Laurie MacDougall gently challenges this idea. While a Loved One’s life isn’t ours to change, our own words, feelings, and behavior are. Allies in Recovery is committed to helping us learn to take control of these, and thereby give our Loved Ones the most effective support we can.

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Laurie MacDougall September 30, 2022
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Do I Want to Have Children With Him?

There’s nothing simple about such a question. But here are some pointers in the search for answers. Whits wants children and loves her partner. But is she prepared to raise children with someone who’s progress with his SUD is uncertain? No one, of course, can answer that for her. But if there is a way forward together, it will require compassionate communication, as well as boundaries and self-care. That’s where the CRAFT approach can be so powerfully helpful.

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Laurie MacDougall September 23, 2022
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I Think I’m Ready to Ask Him to Leave – Even Though I’ve Been Doing CRAFT

An active Allies in Recovery member wrote in to our “Pose a Question” blog with an update about her partner who continues to use substances and to be emotionally volatile, despite having previously done a 30-day recovery program. While she says that participating in our Wednesday night support group with Kayla, along with other CRAFT resources on our site, has been “a huge help” with her own well-being, she still isn’t having success in engaging her loved one into treatment again. She asks: Has the time come to ask him to leave?

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Dominique Simon September 16, 2022

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