Being an ally for a person with substance use disorder means stepping up beside them. Work with yourself so you can better see the opportunities to be a change agent — for slow, methodical change. If your role is too large, you need to be just another player, waiting for your chance. Be a good “dance partner.”
Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.
Strong emotions happen. Notice and respond; turn your attention to what they do to you. Slow down to be most effective for your loved one.
It’s important to aim for openness, connection, and availability, but also have boundaries. When they’re ready, you’re ready to help them.
If fear of your loved one’s death colors things, you have to do things differently. CRAFT tools can help you change the dynamic over time.
We must step back to see our loved ones’ true capability. Do things for them that feel right, but not if you’re stepping over a line.
Giving up, saying “Now what?” is usually the wrong strategy. See CRAFT as tools for all relationships that can create big change over time.
It’s easy to impose expectations, but changing yourself, your expectations and perceptions makes room for your loved one to progress.
The “craft of CRAFT” is the art of communicating with subtlety and compassion, thoughtfully expressing boundaries without criticizing.
Laurie asks co-host Kayla, a practicing social worker, questions about the role of therapists in addressing substance use disorder.
We talk with new Allies partner Bill Carruthers, “person in long-term recovery” and Certified Psychiatric Rehabilitation Practitioner.
Bill Carruthers, new Allies partner, discusses his professional work and his personal experience with addiction recovery.
How do you answer questions about loved ones and handle expectations? Connection without enmeshment is especially important in the holidays.
Since it has medical uses, the answers lie in good communication, in helping the person understand for themselves whether it’s a problem.
What’s involved in detoxing? Should they let their loved one do it at home?
Limited contact is hard. Learn to calm down so you can respond simply and strengthen the connection through humor and interests.
Agency, the sense of self-control, is important to CRAFT. Foster agency in others by offering positivity, gaining more agency of your own.
It’s important to CRAFT to see possibilities, hold more than one truth, and experience many feelings and thoughts to get to healing.
Understanding “natural consequences” and allowing them to play out when it’s safe to do so can be a force for change over time.
A look at two situations from the AIR blog — a woman who stops communicating, and a young man who wants to stay alone while withdrawing.
Become an agent of change — by changing yourself. How do you step back, take space, and change the dance of the usual interaction?
We intend to be supportive, but aren’t always perceived that way. How do you hear when they feel upset, and shift back into connection?
“Functional analysis” means figuring out what’s happening around a behavior, to go from reactive to having choice and influence.
Some relationship moments feel like huge rifts. They’re opportunities to show you’re changing, becoming someone safe for them to come to.
Do common sayings hold truth? We look at “hitting rock bottom,” and starting with one day. Both need slowing down, being in the moment.
Don’t just use CRAFT now and then. Learn one thing at a time, one day at a time. Practice the skills consistently, and change can happen.
Feeling victimized means you’re being passive. Shift focus–you have agency and control, and you’re responsible for yourself and your care.
Do people “have to want” recovery? Reality is more complicated. We can give options, be open to process, and change our own behavior.
Embrace “beginner’s mind”; make mistakes and learn; practice until the tools become automatic. Remember that change happens incrementally.
Begin with considering what you need to do. This leads to self-care, changing you, but also allowing your loved one new possibilities. Building Your CRAFT.
Emotions feel unmanageable? Step back. State them briefly, then take care of yourself. Give yourself compassion and patience.
You get a call: treatment is bad, and they want to leave. Hold the line. Tell them they can get something good from the situation.
When you’re dealing with difficult circumstances and the actions of others, it’s important to shift focus from external to internal, to pause and check in with yourself and ask yourself what you need and want. Take your power back. We believe that taking care of yourself in this way has a positive impact on the other person. It’s a demonstration of boundaries and self-care.
Christina Dent discusses her new book, Curious: A Foster Mom’s Discovery of an Unexpected Solution to Drugs and Addiction. Christina grew up in a conservative Christian home. Her views of addiction changed dramatically when she and her husband became foster parents. Christina founded the non-profit End It For Good to invite others to listen to the voices directly impacted by our drug laws.
When it comes to hope, trust, and expectation, what’s our part, and what’s the part of others? Hope is ours. It’s internal, doesn’t damage anyone, and is loose, open, and a way to stay positive. It’s also ours to accept — to say this is how things are and soothe ourselves. What not ours? Trust. It’s the other person’s job to become trustworthy for themselves. Expectations, too, are theirs — if we impose expectations on others, we set up failure
Having expectations for others can be a difficult trap. When we have ideas about how things should go, we often try to manifest those expectations and have other people do what we want them to do. Instead, learn to manage your nervous system, to calm yourself and have tools to make requests of others. Be careful not to superimpose your expectations on others — it might not be what they want, need, or are able to do. That needs to be okay. Learn to give people room to create their own expectations for themselves.
Alex Ribbentrop joins the Allies in Recovery hosts to discuss intergenerational trauma, substance use, the importance of family, and finding connection. Alex is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Qualified Supervisor, EMDR Trained Clinician, and Certified Family Trauma Professional, practicing in Virginia, Maryland, and Florida.
How do you handle that difficult time when your loved one comes home from treatment, and is back in an old environment, complete with old triggers? It can be a time of depression and anxiety. Think about reconnection — being present and engaged, making things fun when you can, and using the CRAFT communication tools to leave doors open.
Enmeshment is a blurring of the boundaries between people. How the other person feels affects you intensely. Enmeshment is one-way — your thoughts, feelings, and choices are about the other person’s well-being. Countering enmeshment means checking in with ourselves, calming our systems down, taking pauses, and allowing the other person the dignity of their own process. You can learn to listen and make reasonable requests and develop a healthier kind of connection.
What questions should you ask, and what plans should you make if your loved one is coming home? Dominique and Kayla discuss a family’s question about a new living situation.
What’s the impact of emotions on how we interact with loved ones? Learn to acknowledge, claim, and identify your emotions. Don’t discuss anything when you’re reactive. Instead, pause, check in with your feelings, and don’t take things personally. Have a strategy that’s not confrontational or accusing, but engaging. Calm your system and engage in a way that you can feel good about. Hopefully this will reverberate with your loved one and create change over time.
When the noise dissipates and there’s clarity, that’s an “ah-ha moment.” You can move forward in a different way. You might even find new commitment to a way of thinking or behaving that you didn’t have access to before. Allies in Recovery uses CRAFT to give you the tool set for your own ah-ha moments, but also to help create the conditions for your loved one to find their own moments and possibilities for long-term change.
When you’re in the middle of crisis, feeling reactive or uncertain about what to do, use the “three questions” to helps create space and time and take the best action. What am I feeling? What can I do about it (think as broadly as possible)? What am I actually gonna do? Kayla likes to consider a fourth: What’s happening that’s making me feel this way?
In part 1, an Allies member discussed intimacy and its role in applying CRAFT in a romantic relationship. In part 2, she discusses how she’s handled issues related to kids, CRAFT, and talking to them about substance use disorder.
In the first of two episodes with an Allies member, our hosts discuss the member’s experience with her former husband, and issues of intimacy — how does it function as part of the CRAFT framework? Is it, should it be a reward?
Just before change happens, things can get chaotic. It’s small differences over time – starting with you – that create big change.
The most effective way to help someone with substance use disorder? Helping the family. Learn to become a transformation agent.
With treatment and recovery, think progress, not perfection. Treatment is how you help them enjoy their lives again. Be part of that joy.
Offer pressure-free resources when your loved one chooses them, but know: having a loved one without a home is a triggering experience.
AIR sees the family as integral to the healing of the person with substance use disorder. It’s a way of thinking you can make your own.
CRAFT is often used in parent-child relationships, but its powerful tools work extremely well for couples. Learn why that’s true.
CRAFT skills are a life-long practice of learning about yourself, becoming part of your loved one’s treatment. There’s always more to learn.
Kathleen Cochran founded Heart of a Warrior Woman, for mothers of kids with substance use disorder. She supports many paths to recovery.
Only get 15 minutes with a loved one? If they’re using, be specific with requests. If they aren’t, be patient, and stick to low stakes.
If others aren’t using CRAFT, learn the tools. Put it into practice alone, and teach the tools when you can. Your work can still pay off.
Behaviors matter more than whether you’re always right — learn to observe, step forward when it feels right, back when it feels off.
The “functional analysis” helps you examine times of use and move from reaction to making choices. Learn more at AIR’s site in Module 3.
New Mexico trainer Brian Serna focuses on making CRAFT an everyday practice, and how to help your loved one’s trajectory change over time.
Learn OARS to communicate better – Offering to help, Open-ended questions, Owning your part; Affirmation; Reflective listening; Sandwiching.
How do you hold tough conversations? Be careful with your timing; have a plan; stay calm. CRAFT can help you learn the signs of your loved one being receptive and give you the skills to communicate effectively in less-than-ideal circumstances. Kayla and Laurie offer the details.
Reflective listening means listening while reflecting what your loved one says. Use curiosity, interest, and separation to do both at once.
PIUS means “positive,” “I,” “understanding,” and “short, specific” statements. Here’s how to use it in tough moments.
Christina Dent of End It For Good discusses how being a foster mom led her to rethink her stance on drugs and the criminal justice system.
Triggers – when you’re pulled into old reactions – happen. Learn to repair yourself, stopping the cycle to enable healing.
How do you get past accumulated trauma with your loved one? It’s about breaking the cycles, stepping back, and letting new things happen.
How does “reflective listening” work? What are its benefits? Why does Kayla say she’d use it if someone were pointing a gun at her?
Burnout: you’ve got nothing left but fatigue and anxiety. Take a real break to refill your tank in whatever way works best for you.
Expectations about others set you up for disappointment. Focus on your values, then act accordingly. The outcome can be beautiful.
Did a positive comment cause use? You can’t know what your loved one’s feeling. Focus on you; don’t link your happiness to their status.
It was developed to help regulate blood sugar in diabetics and pre-diabetics. It’s widely (though unofficially) used for weight loss. Now semaglutide (brand name Ozempic) is showing promise for SUD sufferers as well.
CRAFT offers tools to gain awareness of your own reactivity, notice what works for your loved one, and make choices to create real change.
You’re in it for your loved one. But CRAFT wants you to change, to learn new tools. AIR offers vital support for change over time.
The end goal of CRAFT is treatment, but what does that mean, and what does it look like? In addition to more-expected forms, treatment is anything that engages your loved one, that provides meaning and helps them look at themselves. What’s our role in presenting these options when a loved one says they’re ready to hear them? Do the research and put together a treatment list for when that time comes.
How AIR began, and how it became a true community of family members helping others and refining CRAFT tools through experience.
When your loved one is coming home, it’s time to collaborate and negotiate about expectations and plans. It’s important to hear what they think the consequences for certain actions or inaction should be, and to keep communicating openly over time.
Linda offers tools to calm the nervous system. As Kayla says, it’s part of gaining coherence, a prerequisite for connection through CRAFT.
Parenting coach and mother of two Linda Aber discusses the parasympathetic nervous system and how it applies to CRAFT and parenting.
CRAFT can work from far away. The same steps apply – keep trying tools and notice what works. This helps you keep going, and not do harm.
CRAFT works over time, with experimenting to see what works. Learn to check with yourself in a deep way to make decisions in the moment.
In this closer look at Module 5, you’ll learn a tenet of CRAFT – rewarding positive behavior and removing rewards for negative behavior. When it comes to “using,” the moment-by-moment details become important. Your job is increasing your awareness by witnessing and noticing your loved one’s behavior. “Using” is really a larger term including before, during, and after interacting with a substance. Everything else is “not using.” When there are periods, maybe tiny ones, of not using, move in with gentle, quiet rewards of connection. It’s important, too, to learn how to calm your system enough to do this process. It’s all trial and error, so don’t judge yourself for not doing it right. But do notice how what you’re doing makes an impact. Check out Module 5 for more.
CRAFT is like a menu. The better your awareness of patterns from watching yourself and your loved one – over time – and experimenting to see what works, the better you understand what to choose. Laurie talks about her learning process with her son, and how it led her to understand what she could and couldn’t live with. You can learn to open your eyes, to check with yourself in a very deep way, and notice what you may not have before. The more you know about what you’re looking for, the more effective CRAFT becomes, the better your decisions in the the moment. Eventually you can say, “This isn’t working, so here are your options,” and your loved one can choose.
In this closer look at Module 5, you’ll learn a tenet of CRAFT – rewarding positive behavior and removing rewards for negative behavior. When it comes to “using,” the moment-by-moment details become important. Your job is increasing your awareness by witnessing and noticing your loved one’s behavior. “Using” is really a larger term including before, during, and after interacting with a substance. Everything else is “not using.” When there are periods, maybe tiny ones, of not using, move in with gentle, quiet rewards of connection. It’s important, too, to learn how to calm your system enough to do this process. It’s all trial and error, so don’t judge yourself for not doing it right. But do notice how what you’re doing makes an impact. Check out Module 5 for more.
Learn about Allies in Recovery’s (AIR) groups – the CRAFT Educational groups facilitated by Laurie and the CRAFT Support group facilitated by Kayla – and how they became part of AIR. CRAFT isn’t easy, and you can’t do it alone. These groups provide essential information, feedback and support. You are not alone during this painful, overwhelming process.
How do you shift from conflict to a more open conversation with your loved one whose struggling with addiction? Using CRAFT, you can improve the relationship by engaging in a way that is both effective and supportive. You become part of the treatment process instead of something else your loved one is battling.
CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn’t a traditional dance – it’s a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn’t, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It’s a process.
Learn about Allies in Recovery’s (AIR) groups – the CRAFT Educational groups facilitated by Laurie and the CRAFT Support group facilitated by Kayla – and how they became part of AIR. CRAFT isn’t easy, and you can’t do it alone. These groups provide essential information, feedback and support. You are not alone during this painful, overwhelming process.
Our hosts discuss their joy in witnessing the progress of families in their groups. If you’re helping your loved one, start with yourself and your own healing. Healing is, Kayla says, not best done alone. And with Allies in Recovery, you don’t have to do it alone. You get to be part of a group of people doing the work, and get support not just for concepts, but for implementing the powerful tools of CRAFT. This is the work that can help your loved one.
How do you shift from conflict to a more open conversation with your loved one whose struggling with addiction? Using CRAFT, you can improve the relationship by engaging in a way that is both effective and supportive. You become part of the treatment process instead of something else your loved one is battling.
When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.
Don’t assume someone is lying or “in denial.” At Allies, we believe family members and loved ones are aware of what’s happening – even when they don’t really want to know. Ambivalence is defined as “the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone”. We can see things as complicated – or ambivalent, a struggle between two orientations – and know it takes time to move through a process.
CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn’t a traditional dance – it’s a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn’t, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It’s a process.
It can be easy, particularly when those outside a situation offer advice, to overlook the history of trauma that may exist for a family member. CRAFT takes the idea of healing out of a therapy model, to a community-based model. It’s a long-term process of learning new tools and ways to interact. It begins with family members understanding themselves, their patterns and reactivity, so they’re equipped for long-term work of healing — with the support of Allies in Recovery all along the way.
If you find yourself swept away in the undertow of negative thinking about what might happen and how you might prevent it, the number-one tool to use is stepping back, noticing that you’re doing it. Number two is deciding to shift it, starting with “no negative talk.” And third is hitting the metaphorical “reset” button, finding something to soothe yourself. At first, it may not go well, but over time, you can get good at it.
Our hosts discuss their joy in witnessing the progress of families in their groups. If you’re helping your loved one, start with yourself and your own healing. Healing is, Kayla says, not best done alone. And with Allies in Recovery, you don’t have to do it alone. You get to be part of a group of people doing the work, and get support not just for concepts, but for implementing the powerful tools of CRAFT. This is the work that can help your loved one.
In part 2 of 2, Jaclyn Brown talks about her personal journey in the wake of losing her brother. For her, advocacy and harm reduction work became a way to find her own voice and power after feeling guilty and helpless. To hear more of Jaclyn’s story, be sure to check out our earlier interviews with her.
When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.
Don’t assume someone is lying or “in denial.” At Allies, we believe family members and loved ones are aware of what’s happening – even when they don’t really want to know. Ambivalence is defined as “the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone”. We can see things as complicated – or ambivalent, a struggle between two orientations – and know it takes time to move through a process.
“The universe is trying to tell me something” – Guest Jaclyn Brown returns to discuss her advocacy and harm reduction work in the wake of losing her brother. To hear more of Jaclyn’s story, be sure to check out our earlier interviews with her.
You’ve got tools — such as active listening, being curious and open. So, when your loved one expresses what they would like, or feels they can’t continue as they are, you’re ready. In those moments of “wishes and dips,” you can gently move forward, listening to them and having resources ready, for now or whenever they’re ready. It’s a main tenet of CRAFT — noticing the openings. It’s also a practice — something to stay with over time, so you have a chance to be received.
If you find yourself swept away in the undertow of negative thinking about what might happen and how you might prevent it, the number-one tool to use is stepping back, noticing that you’re doing it. Number two is deciding to shift it, starting with “no negative talk.” And third is hitting the metaphorical “reset” button, finding something to soothe yourself. At first, it may not go well, but over time, you can get good at it.
In part 2 of 2, Jaclyn Brown talks about her personal journey in the wake of losing her brother. For her, advocacy and harm reduction work became a way to find her own voice and power after feeling guilty and helpless. To hear more of Jaclyn’s story, be sure to check out our earlier interviews with her.
“The universe is trying to tell me something” – Guest Jaclyn Brown returns to discuss her advocacy and harm reduction work in the wake of losing her brother. To hear more of Jaclyn’s story, be sure to check out our earlier interviews with her.
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