Discussion Blog
Latest Discussion Blog Post
How Our Messy Feelings Got In the Way of Natural Consequences
Chronicles of a CRAFTy Wife, Part Two
Discussion Blog Posts
About This Whole “Engage When They’re Not Using” Business…
If you’ve worked your way through Allies’ eLearning Modules, you’re already familiar with the concept: when our Loved One (LO) is using, we remove rewards and allow for natural consequences. When they’re not using, we reward them right away. But as member BRIGHTSIDE has been finding, the real-life timing can be a challenge. Laurie MacDougall reviews the fundamentals of this process, and shares ideas for getting creative when the lines seem blurred.
What Is Our Role? Underlying Feelings and Beliefs We Have About Our Loved Ones
Like many of us who have Loved Ones struggling with SUD, Allies member Binnie knows that trust is a delicate matter. Can we trust our Loved Ones to take care of themselves? Do we believe they have the capacity? Or do we think they’re so damaged that they can’t function without our stepping in? Isabel Cooney reflects on how trust is explored in a recent Allies podcast, and offers her own insightful take on this vital subject.
Evidence From Oregon: Decriminalizing Drugs Can’t Solve Every Problem, but It’s an Important Step All the Same
Oregon has just rescinded Measure 110, the historic law that decriminalized possession of small amounts of hard drugs. But the reasoning behind the rollback is muddled. As guest author Christina Dent reveals, M110 took the blame for spikes in lethal overdoses, homelessness, and public drug use, none of which it likely caused. Rather, she argues that the law represented a small but important step forward. In the effort to end the drug crisis, its repeal is a loss.
Getting the Most Out of This Site
Personal trainers and the like are terrific—when they’re accessible. Unfortunately, individual counseling is still a rarity with CRAFT, despite its proven effectiveness. Allies in Recovery was created to bridge that gap. In this post, founder and CEO Dominique Simon-Levine outlines the many forms of training, education, and guidance that we offer on this website. We hope it helps you find the support you need.
He’s Not Using, But He Still Depends on Me for Everything.
decostam’s 32-year-old son lives at home, and has succeeded in abstaining from opioid use for two years. Despite this huge accomplishment, he seems stuck in other aspects of his life. What should decostam ask of him at this stage? And just as importantly, how? Dominique Simon-Levine recommends a realistic, step-by-step approach to helping our Loved Ones move toward independence.
What We Can and Can’t Control: It’s Good to Know the Difference
Erica2727 has a husband who’s working hard on his recovery, but his place of work concerns her. She would like him to consider various options, but isn’t sure about how to talk over such matters with him. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall offers a guide to a vital distinction: on the one hand, what we can and should seek to control; and on the other, what we cannot, and don’t need to burden ourselves with attempting.
How I Boiled Down CRAFT for My Teenage Kids
What can our children make of CRAFT? Allies’ writer Isabel Cooney has a powerful story to share—and some great thoughts for our community about opening a little window on the practice. As her experience suggests, CRAFT may have more to offer than a child or teen can truly take on. But young people may still benefit from an introduction to what the adults in their lives are trying to do.
Progress and Appreciation: A Letter From Holland
Danielle and her son have gone through a lot, individually and together. At Allies, we remember their years of struggle relating to his SUD. What joy, then, to receive this letter updating us on their situation. It’s the best news imaginable: Danielle’s son is clean and stable, and Danielle herself has widened the circle of support to others in need. Have a look at Danielle’s letter for yourself:
She Wants Another Round of Rehab. Should I Open My Wallet Yet Again?
Member Klmaiuri’s daughter struggles with alcohol and cocaine use. She’s also been through rehab seven times. The cycle—use, treatment, partial recovery, return to use—can feel like a cycle that never ends. Is there a way to be supportive while put a (loving) wrench in the gears? Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall says absolutely yes. But it takes a commitment to learning new skills, trying a new approach, and lots of practice.
She Quit Treatment and Left. Should I Even Try To Stay In Touch?
Dave5656 is wondering if whether now is the time to let go. His daughter has stopped participating in treatment. She’s also moved back in with a boyfriend who uses drugs. Should he step back and let the chips fall where they may? Or should he break the silence and let her know she’s still loved? Allies writer Laurie MacDougall offers a clear and solid answer to this question.
Movement In the Right Direction: A Mother’s Letter to Allies
On Christmas Day, 2023, Allies Member stinkyvan1 wrote a letter of thanks and appreciation to our CEO and founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, who shared it with others on our team. The letter truly speaks for itself, and it put a smile on all our faces. We hope it brings some good cheer and inspiration to you as well.
“Get Me Out of Here!” Navigating Your Loved One’s Desire to Quit Treatment
This Discussion Blog post is a little different: a response to member Nohp’s question by way of a recent episode on our Coming Up For Air podcast. Nohp’s husband has struggled with alcohol for over a decade. Recently, when faced with the possibility of divorce, he entered a 30-day residential treatment program—and he doesn’t care for it much. After two weeks, he wants out. Nohp understands some of his concerns, but worries that he will start drinking again if he leaves. Our Allies podcast team has a message for her: Discomfort does not mean treatment is a mistake. Allies writer Isabel Cooney elaborates.
Welcome Home! Everyone Here Has Some Beef With You
Tradition is (at least partly) about honoring the past, and holiday traditions are no exception. But some aspects of the past we’d rather just leave there. Others, even years later, can still make us long for resolution. Last year, Allies writer Isabel Cooney received a request from her ex-husband, who struggles with alcohol use, to be with her, their daughters, and Isabel’s parents over Christmas. Her reply, and the experiences that followed, gave Isabel a chance to reflect on all that she’s learned and tried to apply concerning CRAFT.
How Much Should I Ask of Him Right Now?
Challenging emotions are natural, but that doesn’t make them easy to deal with. Our heavy feelings and ruminating thoughts can vastly complicate our efforts to support our Loved Ones. Allies’ member Nohp is trying to balance her husband’s treatment needs with feelings of guilt about past agreements between them. Laurie MacDougall offers some CRAFT-informed signposts through this forest of thought and feeling.
Tragedy Struck His Recovery House, And He Wants Out. What’s My Response?
It’s an all-too-familiar refrain: our Loved One doesn’t like the treatment program and wants out. Sometimes the reasons may seem valid, perhaps even overwhelming. In the recovery house where Cowgirl’s son is living, the house manager recently overdosed and died. The situation is utterly heartbreaking, but does it mean that Cowgirl’s son should leave? Allies Director Dominique Simon-Levine cautions that no choice about changing treatment is free of risk.
Handling the Holidays, Embracing Change
We’ve all felt the push-and-pull of the holidays. One impulse is to hold so tightly to “the way we do things” that we try to stop time in its tracks. Another, when the holidays produce stress or challenges for a Loved One, is to turn away completely. Laurie MacDougall reflects that there’s often a loving path between these extremes—but that path requires reflective listening, validating our Loved One’s feelings, and acceptance that some things will change.
I Want Him in Treatment. I’m Dreading That the Cycle Hasn’t Ended.
It’s a situation that occurs all too often: a Loved One enters detox when things get rough, but resists moving on from there to sustained treatment for substance use disorder. Often, they just want to come home—where continuing to use is easier than having to face the mountainous struggle of ending that use. It’s little wonder that such moments cause worry and anxiety. The good news is that we can take positive actions all the same. As Laurie MacDougall writes, these actions begin with calming and centering ourselves.
He’s Lost His License. And He’s Still Behind the Wheel.
Kathy4422 is facing some tough choices. Her son has just lost his license but is continuing to drive—on her insurance, in a car she owns. Does she step back and let him face the consequences of his choices? Does she intervene right away, and if so, how? Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall points out that no one can make such decisions for us. But through seven thoughtful questions, she offers a guide to making them ourselves.
My Loved One’s Breaking Our Agreement About Use at Home. What Should I Do About It?
After time in a recovery house—and agreeing in writing not to use while living at home—Carolyn P.’s Loved One has moved in with her. Much has been going well, but now the accumulating signs leave little doubt: they’re using again. Carolyn P. has been working hard to apply CRAFT to her situation. She worries, though, that her “watchful silence” might be counterproductive. Laurie MacDougall brings her back to a key, if difficult, CRAFT fundamental: boundary setting.
Rehab Was Great, but He Came Home and Stumbled. Now He’s Stopped Answering His Phone.
Residential rehab was a huge success for Highlander1’s grown son, but shortly after returning home the drinking started again. Now he’s taken off without a word and is refusing to be in touch. Naturally his parents are beside themselves. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall counsels them to start simply as they try to restore communications, to hone their own CRAFT skills—and to remind their son to focus on the success and not the setback.