Discussion Blog
Latest Discussion Blog Post
About This Whole “Engage When They’re Not Using” Business…
If you’ve worked your way through Allies’ eLearning Modules, you’re already familiar with the concept: when our Loved One (LO) is using, we remove rewards and allow for natural consequences. When they’re not using, we reward them right away. But as member BRIGHTSIDE has been finding, the real-life timing can be a challenge. Laurie MacDougall reviews the fundamentals of this process, and shares ideas for getting creative when the lines seem blurred.
Discussion Blog Posts
Loved One Sneaking Beer Round the Clock
A family member reaches out for guidance with her Loved One who drinks whenever he is not at work. He sneaks beer everywhere in the house, drinks through the weekend and is driving under the influence too. Just having started working with CRAFT, this family member wonders how to handle his lying, sneaking of drinks, and the constant worry about his driving while intoxicated.
Wish or Dip, Moving the Conversation Forward…
Hearing a '"Wish" from her Loved One, Hopefulin2018 uses CRAFT to frame her response. The conversation is moving forward and there are opportunities to gain traction around rewards that are especially meaningful for this Loved One. Here's a look at how to proceed when you find yourself presented with a "wish."
Young Teen and Pot Use
An Allies Member writes in about her Loved One using pot… failing in school, he doesn't seem to care about anything. What can the family do? CRAFT responds with considerations for how the family can approach this situation.
Son Home From Jail, Drinking and Dangerous
Allies Member writes in for help with her Loved One who is back home from jail. He is not working, not looking for work; drinking all the time. He just doesn't want help. With no support and years of enduring the fallout of his addiction, our member wonders is he a lost cause?
Loved One Needs to Balance Work and Rehab
A family member looks at getting her Loved One into a program that can help treat addiction while allowing her to maintain part-time work. She wants treatment, but in the past has been asked to leave a program when her drug tests came in positive. What does CRAFT recommend?
Unhappy Boss Doesn’t Know What Family Member is Facing
A member receives an harsh note about her work performance on the eve of her holiday break. Her Loved One's addiction has consumed so much of her energy and time that she hasn't been able to devote as much attention to her work as she's used to. Unable to share any of this with her boss, she feels of anxiety and shame about his poorly timed message…
Metering Out Rewards
An Allies Member writes in for help choosing rewards that align with the CRAFT principles. She pays for her Loved One's phone, but doesn't want to take it away in response to his use… Keeping the bridge of communication open between them is so important right now. CRAFT examines the situation.
Son Coming Home for Christmas
Allies member StrongerTogether is anticipating her son's return home from a sober house for the holidays. How do we approach those family events where alcohol will inevitably be served, with Loved Ones visiting who may still be in the early stages of recovery?
High Anxiety, Son Lost Job and Home, Awaits Trial
An Allies member writes of recent turmoil in her Loved One's life. Awaiting trial after an arrest for hitting his girlfriend, the Loved One is now without a job, home or partner. Even after moving far away to distance herself from the constant drama, our member faces high anxiety as a single mom and the only family to her son. What can she do to break this cycle?
Son Breaking In
Allies member has asked her son to leave after he repeatedly violated boundaries she had set, breaking in and stealing from the family. The Loved One has agreed to meet with her and a counselor to start talking things out in a new way. CRAFT principles can still be applied even when contact is limited…
Coming Home from Sober House
Loved One is not engaged in treatment, not taking prescriptions, says he "feels fine" and "doesn't need it." He's finishing up at a sober house and Allied member wants advice for addressing his return home. Should she meet with treatment team and work up a contract? Perhaps a case manager? CRAFT looks at top priorities in preparing for this transition…
He Angrily Brushes Off Our Attempts
Loved One is defiant and angry with parents, rejecting kind gestures. He's using pot daily, missing school, doesn't see his use as a problem… You have begun to implement CRAFT guidelines when he comes home high. Keep this up! And keep trying new gestures and rewards that will allow you to connect when he's sober. Stop parenting, start partnering. Try to take a longer view, he still has life lessons to learn. For now, focus on reward and chill, and let the rest be.
Today He’s Full of Regret and Hopelessness
5 weeks after changing the lock and having her son leave the house, 1delapisa received a text from him. What he expresses (discontent with where his life is, unsure of next steps, feeling hopeless…) is the equivalent of what CRAFT calls a "dip". Here's what to do when you're lucky enough to be present for a "dip"…
My Helping Wasn’t Helpful. Now I’m Practicing Detaching
This member's daughter has essentially cut Mom off. This after Mom spent years helping her daughter and son-in-law as they sank deeper and deeper into trouble with the drugs and probably also alcohol. She now realizes that the way she was helping them wasn’t helpful. When detaching must happen, what is the best stance for the concerned family member?
Natural Consequences…or Punishment?
Removing rewards at home (beyond material rewards) is subtle. Leaving him alone in the room, not joining him in front of the TV, no hugs, smiles, scrunches on the back. You are just neutral. You are not critical, judgmental, or angry. You are dismissive, non-inclusive. It’s the big chill. Every way you can, you create this divide where everything is warm and rosy in the moment when he’s sober; everything is distant and cold when he’s not. This is the line you try to maintain.
Borderline Personality Disorder and Addiction
Being in a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction AND has borderline personality disorder (BPD) is exceptionally challenging. People with addiction are happy to push responsibility for themselves onto you. With BPD, they do this with even more gusto. It’s very hard to navigate and very troubling for those who love them.
Must I Accept That She’s Killing Herself?
I would change your sentence “accept she is dying” to "accept that things are shifting and your role is limited.” I’m sorry, but you just don’t have the power to say or do anything that in itself will shift the whole balance. The steps laid out in the Learning Modules are incremental steps; they are a way to define the line between what you can and cannot do.
He Has Relapsed and Is Likely Dealing Out of Our Home
How upsetting it must be to see your Loved One blossom after rehab, only to sink slowly back towards drug use, dishonesty, and criminal activity. Fanochoklit is discouraged, even ashamed, by her son’s choices, especially the drug dealing. How can she set firm boundaries to protect her home and family, while maintaining the bridge of trust with her son?
I’m Getting Lost Searching for Treatment
This mom is getting lost in the search for treatment … Who can you trust? Online reviews are sometimes written by facilities' employees…mommaoftwo asks "Does anyone know of a site or a facility that uses EBT, not primarily 12 step, long-term, that treats clients with respect and caring and will help them heal from meth addiction?"
I’ve Thrown Him Out—What Are the Next Steps?
A day at a time sounds like the right idea. I understand feeling exhausted and fed up. Perhaps you take some time to clean up your house, make his room yours, and get your strength back. With CRAFT, we talk about building and maintaining a bridge between you. I hope things will quiet down and that you can step back in when you’re ready.