Discussion Blog
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Balancing Love and Safety
Setting boundaries is an act of love, protecting yourself while holding space for a healthier relationship in the future.
Discussion Blog Posts
Tragedy Struck His Recovery House, And He Wants Out. What’s My Response?
It’s an all-too-familiar refrain: our Loved One doesn’t like the treatment program and wants out. Sometimes the reasons may seem valid, perhaps even overwhelming. In the recovery house where Cowgirl’s son is living, the house manager recently overdosed and died. The situation is utterly heartbreaking, but does it mean that Cowgirl’s son should leave? Allies Director Dominique Simon-Levine cautions that no choice about changing treatment is free of risk.
Fifteen Rounds of Rehab: Why Matthew Perry, Like Countless Others, Struggled for Decades Before He Got Clean
We don’t know just how the star of “Friends” died, but we do know—because he was so remarkably open about it—that he struggled with substance use disorder for most of his life. We also know that in his last years, he had succeeded in quitting both alcohol and opioids. It can happen, but why is it so hard? This article reviews the deeply intertwined biological and social realities of addiction.
Handling the Holidays, Embracing Change
We’ve all felt the push-and-pull of the holidays. One impulse is to hold so tightly to “the way we do things” that we try to stop time in its tracks. Another, when the holidays produce stress or challenges for a Loved One, is to turn away completely. Laurie MacDougall reflects that there’s often a loving path between these extremes—but that path requires reflective listening, validating our Loved One’s feelings, and acceptance that some things will change.
I Want Him in Treatment. I’m Dreading That the Cycle Hasn’t Ended.
It’s a situation that occurs all too often: a Loved One enters detox when things get rough, but resists moving on from there to sustained treatment for substance use disorder. Often, they just want to come home—where continuing to use is easier than having to face the mountainous struggle of ending that use. It’s little wonder that such moments cause worry and anxiety. The good news is that we can take positive actions all the same. As Laurie MacDougall writes, these actions begin with calming and centering ourselves.
He’s Lost His License. And He’s Still Behind the Wheel.
Kathy4422 is facing some tough choices. Her son has just lost his license but is continuing to drive—on her insurance, in a car she owns. Does she step back and let him face the consequences of his choices? Does she intervene right away, and if so, how? Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall points out that no one can make such decisions for us. But through seven thoughtful questions, she offers a guide to making them ourselves.
My Loved One’s Breaking Our Agreement About Use at Home. What Should I Do About It?
After time in a recovery house—and agreeing in writing not to use while living at home—Carolyn P.’s Loved One has moved in with her. Much has been going well, but now the accumulating signs leave little doubt: they’re using again. Carolyn P. has been working hard to apply CRAFT to her situation. She worries, though, that her “watchful silence” might be counterproductive. Laurie MacDougall brings her back to a key, if difficult, CRAFT fundamental: boundary setting.
Rehab Was Great, but He Came Home and Stumbled. Now He’s Stopped Answering His Phone.
Residential rehab was a huge success for Highlander1’s grown son, but shortly after returning home the drinking started again. Now he’s taken off without a word and is refusing to be in touch. Naturally his parents are beside themselves. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall counsels them to start simply as they try to restore communications, to hone their own CRAFT skills—and to remind their son to focus on the success and not the setback.
What Am I Supposed To Do With This Anxiety?
Allies member Allisonc77 has some reasons for optimism: her husband, who struggles with alcohol, has recently stopped drinking, and let his old drinking buddies know he doesn’t plan to drink anymore. What he does plan to do is continue to see his friends. Naturally enough, Allison’s concerned that social pressure could lead him back to alcohol. But her question for Allies concerns her own behavior: she wants to know how best to manage her anxiety. Laurie MacDougall walks her (and us) through the fundamentals of a CRAFT approach to this question.
There’s A World of Options for Your Loved One
Jimw’s wife has contended with alcohol use disorder for many years and has engaged with numerous treatment programs along the way. She’s unemployed, and family debts are piling up. In his letter to Allies, Jimw describes what she’s already tried, and asks what other resources might be out there. Laurie MacDougall responds with a detailed discussion of the many options and where CRAFT comes into the picture.
Our Loved Ones Need Us to Listen. Even (Or Especially) When Their Behavior Is at Its Worst.
When Sweets1997 and his family allowed their adult son access to their home while they were away, it was a simple act of love. They returned to a trashed home and missing belongings. It’s just the latest difficult chapter in an 11-year journey with their son’s addiction. But not all the signs are discouraging. Laurie MacDougall remarks on the points in this family’s favor, and explores in detail how focused listening and other communication skills can build a relationship of trust with our Loved Ones.
My Son Needs Care For More Than Just Addiction. Where on Earth Can I Find It?
Substance use disorder often occurs alongside other physical and mental health challenges, making a tough situation much harder and more complex. As frends2end knows all too well, finding care that takes our Loved One’s whole condition into account is one of the hardest aspects of such situations. That makes it doubly important to know the best strategies and options out there. Allies’ Dominique Simon-Levine shares some of her discoveries.
When Setting a Boundary Is the Message We Need to Send
Introduction CRAFT teaches us to be thoughtful, caring, and deliberate in the messages we send to our Loved Ones. But sometimes the message is best conveyed without words. When we set boundaries, we also have to help our Loved Ones understand that they’re for real. As Allies writer Laurie MacDougall discusses with Adrexpert, managing our own thoughts and feelings is a necessary precursor to this sort of work, and so much else.
If My Loved One Commits To Treatment, Should I Ease Up on CRAFT?
Disengaging from a Loved One isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. But doing so when they’re using is a basic (and proven) part of CRAFT—as is the opposite action, rewarding non-use. When a Loved One takes on the challenges that often attend the start of treatment, sticking to CRAFT techniques and principles is as vital as at any other moment. As Laurie MacDougall explains, the effort will likely be difficult, but it’s a key part of supporting them.
She Wants Me to Watch the Baby While She Gets High. Should I Refuse?
Hopewood03 worries about both her daughter and her infant grandson. Her daughter smokes marijuana and believes it’s part of her identity. Her grandson needs care—even when the daughter feels like going out to get high. The dilemma for Megan arises when her daughter asks Megan to babysit on those occasions. She wants to keep her grandson safe, but doesn’t want to encourage her daughter to use. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall assures her she’s doing nothing of the kind—and reviews some CRAFT strategies to influence her daughter to move away from pot.
Too Much Advice! How Did Everyone I Know Become An Expert in Substance Use Disorder?
Often, it’s given with the best intentions. Sometimes it comes with judgment or moralizing. Either way, unsolicited advice can drain our energy and complicate our efforts to support our Loved Ones. That’s how it’s been for Jaki, who has felt as if she were “on trial” for her husband’s alcohol use disorder. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall can sympathize, and shares some time-tested approaches for responding and self-care.
My Daughter’s Struggle Isn’t Just With Substance Use
Shame and stigma are all-too-familiar aspects of many people’s struggle with substance use. Allies’ member Sferguson has watched her daughter confront both, even from members of the medical community. Fortunately, CRAFT can equip us with the skills we need to be our Loved Ones’ best allies. It begins, as AiR’s Laurie MacDougall explains, with compassionate listening.
How Do I Practice CRAFT When I Feel We’re Worlds Apart?
Hopeseeker and her husband are in a tough spot. Their adult daughter struggles with substance use and has moved back in—with a friend who also uses. Daughter and friend disappear for days. When they are home, they show no interest in interacting at all, and leave the bedroom only to eat. Can CRAFT even be applied in such circumstances? Laurie MacDougall says yes—but cautions that it’s not likely to be easy. Change, she says, probably requires setting CRAFT-conscious boundaries. Read on for some specifics.
He Keeps Going To Treatment—And Sabotaging Himself Once He’s There
When a Loved One is motivated to seek treatment, it’s a cause for celebration. But for many that’s just one of many challenges. Remaining and thriving in treatment can be as hard as reaching the decision to begin. Malamia90’s son has her full support as he seeks help with SUD but struggles to get along with his providers. In such cases, the missing piece of the puzzle is often support for the mental and behavioral health challenges occurring alongside the substance use.
I Want To Support Him. Am I Doing It Right?
CRAFT gives us skills to answer that vital question.
My Loved One Comes Home After Binging on Methamphetamines. I Feel Like I’ve Hit a Brick Wall.
Your perimeter is what you can control. Setting a firm boundary also makes clear whose responsibility it is when that boundary is crossed.