Unpacking Natural Consequences: What Are They and How Do They Work?

Photo credit: Daria Obymaha

Members of the Allies in Recovery community get many glimpses of one another’s lived experiences, especially here on the Discussion Blog. In this first of a three-part post, Allies writer and staff member Isabel Cooney shares her own story. It’s a way of framing and exploring the vital CRAFT concept of natural consequences—simple to describe, but sometimes harder to fully grasp and implement. Have no doubt, though: it’s worth a little attention. Indeed, working with natural consequences can be immensely helpful in our efforts to support our Loved Ones on their recovery journeys.

Alcohol played a central role in bringing my marriage to the point of no return. We had been a couple with a lot of love and common ground. We had stayed together for 15 years.

Our kids were nine and eleven when we split up, and alas, I hadn’t yet found CRAFT. I had tried to address my Loved One (LO)’s drinking through conversation and common sense, and had also resorted to nagging, lashing out, guilt tripping, begging, dumping bottles of whisky down the drain, etc. None of that worked—and looking back, I can see how, in my desperation, I was just exacerbating the problem.

When I started working for Allies in Recovery just a year after our divorce, I began to see the folly of my own behavior. I had been so focused on his behaviors, on what he needed to change, that it hadn’t occurred to me that I was actually a part of the problem. The CRAFT method helped me look in the mirror and gently learn to see my part in it all.

Learning about natural consequences turned out to be life changing, for me and for the whole family. I have become a big fan of this aspect of the CRAFT approach, and I find myself using it both with my LO and in the rest of my life. In this piece I’d like to share my perspective on what natural consequences actually are and what they are not.

Why are they called “natural” consequences?

The word “natural” in this case indicates “no intervening” or “no meddling.” The basic idea is that part of our LO’s coming to terms with their substance use disorder (SUD) is seeing, feeling, and fully experiencing the consequences brought about by their use.

If we meddle—which we’re usually doing in order to “ease the pain” or “protect” our LO or ourself—we are often preventing them from experiencing the consequence that would have naturally occurred.

A basic example of not allowing natural consequences to occur is this: your LO is unwell after a night of heavy drinking. If you intervene by bringing them a bowl of chicken soup and some Tylenol, you’re softening the consequences. They are less likely to feel the full weight of their actions. Which means they’ll be less likely to reflect upon what changes might be needed.

Allowing for natural consequences to occur, in the above example, looks like this: you leave them be wherever they have passed out (assuming they are safe), and you don’t offer any sort of tender, caring gestures to ease the discomfort. Nor do you sit down and chat with them. The feelings that might arise for your LO (regret, guilt, frustration, embarrassment, etc.) can be useful as they self-reflect.

How do I know I’m doing it right?

First of all, please understand that there is no “right” way to do any of this. So much of it is trial and error, and no two families’ situations are the same. That being said, here’s a way to think about what natural consequences might look like in any given situation.

When I was a kid and trying to understand when to use “me” or “I” in a sentence, my mother offered this helpful advice: “Remove the other person from the sentence, and you’ll know.” So, if it was “Sophie and [?] went to the candy store,” and I removed “Sophie,” I clearly needed to say “I” went to the candy store.

In a similar way, when you’re wondering how to manage your natural consequence behavior, consider that you simply need to remove yourself from the situation.

Let’s say your wife passed out on the bathroom floor, and that she is safe and uninjured. Letting natural consequences occur means asking yourself, “What would happen if I weren’t here?”

The answer: your wife spends the night on the floor. She wakes up in the morning, looks around, and might feel embarrassed or mad at herself. She realizes the whole family probably stepped around her and saw her sleeping on the floor. She sees that her substance use is less and less of a secret. And so on.

If your LO experiences challenging feelings like guilt or shame, and faces difficult thoughts or physical symptoms of overuse or the “natural” consequences of their use, it means you’re doing something right—again, with the caveat that they’re safe. If it feels super hard and even a little bit torturous to you at first, that’s par for the course. We hate to see anyone we love suffering. And yet a “reasonable” amount of discomfort can be useful for an SUD sufferer as they come to terms with the gravity of the problem.

Aren’t “natural consequences” just a fancy way of saying “punishment”?

No. The two are crucially different—although it’s understandable that they might seem to overlap.

When you are punishing someone, there is a power differential. You are using a position of power to impose (usually on someone in a more vulnerable position) some form of pain or penalty. Much of the time, when you punish someone, the person isn’t even clear on why you’re doing so. It is a one-sided action that presumes that you know better than the other person, or that the other person has committed some “infraction.” Manipulating someone to get a desired result is a form of punishment as well.

On the other hand, allowing natural consequences to occur is about stepping aside. We are not imposing anything, and there is no power differential. We accept that substance use disorder is an illness and not a series of “bad choices” deserving punishment. We are holding space and acting as an ally while our LO learns to cope. Their substance use creates natural consequences, and we (the family member, spouse or friend) continue to practice stepping aside to allow those consequences to come back to the LO, full circle.

Your LO’s occasional backlash might make it feel like there is overlap between punishment and putting down a boundary. But please remember, setting down a personal boundary is about your own needs and what you’re willing or unwilling to accept. It is never a punishment. It may bring up difficult feelings for you or a Loved One, but that is OK. We must practice coping with those difficult feelings as part of establishing new and healthy boundaries—and in so doing, we’re also setting a good example for our Loved Ones to follow.

But what if danger is part of the equation?

Good question. Easy answer. Safety—that of your LO and that of others—always trumps the “allow natural consequences” card. Letting our LO harm others or cause themselves serious harm is never a good idea.

The example above would be quite different if the passed-out wife were in the driveway on a cold winter night. Another example would be if you believe your LO might have overdosed, or taken a dangerous cocktail of substances, and their life is in danger. This is not about risking real harm or danger—to our LOs or anyone else. What we aim for are naturally occurring, uncomfortable or embarrassing or regrettable circumstances that will accumulate and help our LO “awaken” to the reality of their situation.

If your LO is about to put themselves or others in danger, intervene! If they are under the influence and about to get behind the wheel, consider temporarily “losing” their keys (be ready to make yourself scarce if such an action could unleash anger or violence).

If your LO is alone with the children and you find that they aren’t in a state to care for them properly, consider calling the police for a wellness check, or collecting the children and keeping them with you for the night. If your LO is acting threatening or violently toward you or the children, consider bringing in the authorities, reporting the incident, or if necessary, seeking a safe haven. These, in their own right, are also natural consequences.

Safety questions aside, there can be other circumstances where allowing a particular natural consequence might not be worthwhile. If the situation that would be created could have negative consequences for you (putting your sanity at risk, creating high anxiety or angst), consider not going through with it. For example, if your family depends on your LO’s income, it might cause too many other problems to let them sleep off a night of heavy drinking, not show up for work, and risk losing their job.

What’s the flip side of natural consequences?

CRAFT trains us to do a sensitive, moment-to-moment “dance” with our LO. When we see moments of use, we remove rewards such as our presence, our attention, doing them favors, or cooking for them. And we also step away so as to allow for natural consequences to occur.

However, the CRAFT “dance” also promises a good share of positive and lovely connections with our LOs, because the flip side is about rewarding moments of non-use.

When we see our LO not using—even if it’s in the five minutes after they get home and before they crack open the first beer—we come in closer, we let them feel the warmth and connection that we have to offer. We do sweet things to gently and subtly remind them what life could be like. We challenge ourselves to live in the moment and see something beautiful in them, even if a few hours ago they were acting in a disrespectful manner (accusing you of being against them, speaking in a threatening tone, blaming you for their bad day, etc…).

Natural consequences go hand in hand with rewarding and removing rewards. They are all integral parts of the CRAFT approach, each serving its specific purpose. Each is appropriate in certain situations.

This feels difficult. Where do I start?

First of all, if it feels difficult or counter-intuitive, that’s a good sign. This stuff isn’t supposed to be easy. We may have well-oiled patterns of softening the blow for our LOs, or trying to protect them in general. We love them! It’s understandable that we have tried to help them avoid additional suffering. Breaking old habits is difficult—just ask your LO!

You don’t have to start with the biggest, most challenging natural consequence. In fact, my recommendation is to make a list of the different situations with your LO where you may be able to let natural consequences occur. Consider which ones feel “not too hard”—doable, in other words—and start there. Succeeding, even with minor challenges, builds up our confidence for attacking the more difficult ones. We are building a muscle here, my friends. And it’s only in this process that many of realize we have that muscle. Be patient with yourselves, and set yourselves up for success.

In Part II of this series, I’ll tell you more about my family’s story, how natural consequences worked for us, and what roadblocks I encountered.