She’s Back at Home with a Daybed and Locker
help4t helped her daughter out in court after she'd been through a very rough summer of active use. It's hard to believe that she's living back at home again in such a ragged state. Trying her best to stay grounded and follow CRAFT, she reaches out for help going forward.
Update on my daughter. About 3 months ago she met a very active H addict at the casino and spent the last 3 months hanging/living with him. She used any and all drugs (meth as well) and was picked up on a warrant for violation of probation. Thank God. He had been arrested many times for shoplifting etc. so he is now held for 60 days and will surely serve time again after that. She is mourning this relationship and I am trying to have patience with it. She has no one else, she has burned out all her healthy friends.
I was at court for her last week as she had no phone, or money. I was able to talk to probation and they agreed to new terms of probation. she now has to report twice monthly and is subject to testing. Thank God. She has minimal income and no longer able to stay at his apartment so she is home, via the "locker rules". She is seeing a counselor a couple times a week, but no additional help. She is hoping to work part time to get back into some sort of a schedule. I am shocked that she is here again, but trying desperately to have an open mind and follow CRAFT guidelines. I will help her find a job as I need for her to be doing more than sleeping. She is desperately trying to get another Adderall prescription, now I am thinking that is not a bad thing as it may stop the Meth and Coke addiction, but not sure. Any guidance or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
As your Loved One cycles through active addiction and efforts (incomplete as they may be) to hang on to early recovery, you have CRAFT to lean on. It provides you with lots of detail about the stance to take as a parent or partner amidst the roller coaster of your Loved One’s addiction.
Finding yourself here, again, you are wise to stay open and follow CRAFT. This alone speaks volumes about how you are willing to show up for your daughter, and the understanding you are bringing to the situation. I know I speak for everyone here in saying that we applaud your continuing to find a way forward, even as you experience the disbelief that you are back in this spot again.
You poor dears. It is so tempting to want to reach for black and white answers… to want to find that “magic bullet” approach that will wipe away all of the painful uncertainty that comes with a Loved One’s addiction. Even though CRAFT illuminates how to create that environment that is most conducive to her getting help, it itself is not a magic pill. It cannot make your daughter well.
The real work of CRAFT is in seeing how to apply the principles to your unique situation, to bring it to life for your family. You’ve had a lot of experience in working CRAFT and learned a lot along the way. This is incredibly valuable as you find yourself setting up again.
So, yes, a footlocker and day bed in a common room is a sound start. She can sleep in your house when she isn’t high, or when a break is needed from the slog of life in the streets. This is a great way of letting her know her safety is important to you while also drawing a clear boundary with your space. It is especially helpful in transition times such as these.
Her violation of probation means she will be seen twice a month by probation and tested for drugs. It is up to the probation officer to decide what happens should she test positive for illicit drugs. It may involve a warning or it may get her sent right back to jail. That’s up to them.
Because you spoke to probation you have a little support from outside. That is encouraging. You are doing a great job setting the stage for your daughter after this latest episode. Keeping your head on straight right now is not easy. Especially when you know that the terms of her probation, etc. are not in your hands.
Your daughter met a man who led her back into all-out use. He is safely locked away for now. It would be easy to blame him, but really, it’s but a small step to saddle up next to an active user with an apartment, give up, and just use drugs with abandon. It does eventually blow up as it did for her. Another round of active addiction led to more fear and desperation… and now she is home, sleeping on the day bed, and reluctantly attending counseling, with mandatory drug testing and the danger of violating probation and going to jail.
I just want to applaud your continued efforts. You are doing what you can. Keep the section 35 option open (a civil commitment) that we’ve mentioned in earlier posts. Just hold onto this option in case she starts coming home actively high from drugs. It might be a better choice than her failing a drug test and going back to jail.
You want her doing something other than sleeping away her time in your house. That is understandable. I just worry that she is not in shape to work. You must be the judge of that for now. She wants a part-time job to get on her feet, but the money from it would need to be tracked. Is a job the best place for her to go next? I would prefer to see her in a partial day program if possible. She could really benefit from something that structures her day time, as a job would, but doesn’t demand the stability of her being a strong worker just yet.
A 3-month run using methamphetamine and heroin has undoubtedly rattled her body and mind. Supportive care all day (not by you) for a couple months at least, could provide her some motivation and a safe place during the days. She has a lot to digest. An environment in which she can find a pause and regain some sense of balance before returning to work might be better for her in the long run.
Rather than using what energy you have helping her find a job, I suggest you help locate a more structured day treatment. At least for the next couple months.
Is there a peer recovery center near you? Can you get their schedule of activities? Here is a list of services.
You are, once again, at the bottom of the cycle. Your daughter in being forced to slow her use because of the law and your home. It’s very hard. You are doing what you can, and following CRAFT, which we are confident provides the best direction and actions you can take on her behalf.
CRAFT also asks that you take care to keep yourself calm, supported, and patient (yes, ever more patience is required). You’re setting up all that you can around your daughter; make sure you do the same for yourself.
We are thinking of you during this raw time. Sending you our best. Please let us know how it is going. We are here for you.
Here we are a year later… My daughter did pretty well (I think)living on her own for the first few months. She enrolled back in school, got a job and seemed pretty happy. Then, Covid hit. She lost her job, and did ok at first. Then her boyfriend was released from jail and moved in. That is when it started downhill. She was missing drug tests, zoom meetings for probation etc. I really realized there were problems with her around mother’s day. I tried to talk to her but she started gaslighting me. Making me think I was crazy. I got back into the modules, which helped. I stepped back and let her try to figure it out.
Fast forward to September. Her boyfriend was arrested and she lost it. Slept for days, etc. I started keeping in touch. (prior to that my approach was distant as long as she was living with someone we knew would bring her down). She was called into court for a final surrender the end of September and they sentenced her to Framingham to complete her time. I was shocked as I believed what she had told me that her PO had falsely documented the info. Boy was I wrong. I had access to her phones etc when she was taken. I realized then how bad off things were with her. She was very lucky to be alive, and I was happy she was now safe. She’s been there for a few weeks and we have our girl back. She has finally admitted she has a problem and needs help. She may be released mid November, if not it will be mid December. I have continued to pay her rent, with money she had. It gives me time to breathe.
I am now searching for a recovery program, with her blessing. She said she would love that. Not easy to find, but I have been talking with a company new to MA called AWARE Recovery. They actually do home visits, and have what seems to be a great program. They do not take her insurance, but they do take BCBS of MA. My thought is to obtain a policy for her during open enrollment in January. I will pay the premium as it is much cheaper than paying out of pocket. I have spoken with the counselors a few times and am pretty impressed by the program. Has anyone heard of them? I am very concerned with her getting out an being put right back into her old life. Phones, apartments friends etc. But it is what it is. I have been unable to find any other Recovery coaches with availability, etc. I would be more than happy to pay someone for this service. She is very excited for the first time in getting help. I pray she is sincere. It has been such a pleasure talking to her while she is in there. I feel like I need to take advantage of the current situation and do whatever I can to help her. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thank you.
I found out today that she is being released within a week and will be on probation until her initial release date of 12/18. Not sure how I feel about this… She is over the moon. Was in with quite a few women who are much older and have been there for years. Seemed to have an affect on her. Time will tell. The good thing is that they are requiring her to complete an outpatient program at the Recovery Center of America. They are setting this up for her. In the meantime, I am trying to find her a Recovery Coach and therapist.
One of my biggest concerns is when she gets out and turns her phone back on. I know she will be bombarded with texts and messages from her life before her detainment. I want to do all I can to help her stay on the right path. I am just very scared for her. I know she really wants to live a healthier life but just afraid she is going to become overwhelmed and not be able to handle it well.
What a long road you have been on with your daughter. From our perspective, it looks like you two are in a good position right now:
1) your daughter is being released early from jail (which is very motivating),
2) with probation to follow (and hopefully drug testing), and
3) a mandate and help with admission to community treatment (this is huge!).
I love that you are rounding out her community treatments with a hunt for a therapist and recovery coach. Very CRAFTy of you, bravo!
I wonder what your daughter’s history with self-help meetings is. It would be a valuable recovery input for her and a good guardrail against relapse upon release. Check out the list of online self-help meetings we created to help our members find their way through, despite COVID.
Read my full response to help4t here: https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-everything-feels-so-hopeful-when-will-the-other-sh
It’s been three months since I’ve updated. And a lot has gone on. My daughter secured her own apartment in the North Shore about a half an hour away from us. She wanted to live by herself which is costly but we helped her get in financially etc. She signed herself up for OCC in Lynn now that she’s up in that area and is finding it very overwhelming. First of all the area she does not feel safe there at night, and they are requiring her to go 3 days which makes it impossible for her to work. Not to mention the cost of getting back-and-forth She wants me to go to probation with her to see if she can change it back to just drug testing and counseling / therapy.
She has been unable to secure a full-time job despite the fact that she has been on many interviews. She’s been able to keep her part-time gigs but nothing permanent. She’s getting very discouraged. I am thinking this has to do with the fact if you Google her you see her DUIs and other arrests. I am not sure how people get around this. She does have many years of good employment and is able to get great references.
She has so much on her plate with drug testing, OCC appointments, volunteering which is required, outstanding bills she’s trying to keep up with. Her whole life just seems to be total chaos. She can’t seem to get a handle on anything by herself. I go to see her once or twice a week to try to help. I talk to her daily to help her calm down and not take things so seriously. She should be proud of herself for the fact that she’s given up drugs and alcohol for three months. I have assisted her with paying her rent for the past two months and now it’s due again and we had told her we can’t keep helping her. That said, she has not been able to find employment despite the fact that she’s been trying really hard and going on interviews daily.
She was hospitalized for hep C which they believe she caught when she was sexually assaulted by a coworker a couple months ago. That’s another issue – he has since been arrested and the DA is after her to testify etc. She’s doing so well not depending on drugs and alcohol to get by. She is prescribed Adderall and Klonopin by her psychiatrist but at a much lower dose than she had before. She seems to be taking these as prescribed. Which is also a big plus for her. I feel like I’m at a turning point with her. She could go one way or the other. I really wish she could get off the merry-go-round and go somewhere to just learn how to live life again. She has so much going on that it is overwhelming. I honestly do not know how anyone can handle this forget someone with mental health problems.
I feel as though I would love to hire somebody to be with her daily to help her handle life. I know that’s not realistic, but that’s where I am at. Any suggestions I could get would be so helpful. I feel very blessed that she is on a much better path, but it’s so sad that she lives in such chaos and drama. Even though most of it is self-inflicted it’s very hard to watch and not be able to help. She is also the most unorganized person which does not help. I also have to thank you for your guidance through all of this. I honestly believe that it is practicing CRAFT that has gotten us to where we are today. It hasn’t always been easy for me to follow but I know when I do I see much better results than when I’m not. So thank you.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad this site is helpful.
You poor dears. It must feel like there is no net.
The state of Massachusetts has been training recovery coaches. Some are in recovery, others are not. I’ve known a handful of people who have been through the training and said it was good and thorough. Recovery coaches can help with daily living, as well as with early recovery from addiction. Do an internet search: recovery coaches Massachusetts. Ask about grant-supported or state-supported coaches. They should be less expensive. Also check with insurance. I believe that some carriers are reimbursing for coaching in some areas of the country.
Often things do fall apart after you’re abstinent, in that early part of recovery. Your eyes are clearing and you see the bills all piled up in the corner; driving is out of the question, and on it goes.
Read Dominique Simon-Levine’s full response to help4t here: https://alliesinrecovery.net/discussion_blog-i-wish-i-could-hire-someone-to-help-her-handle-lif
Update – My daughter attended court on Tuesday and they informed her that she has to call in 7 days a week to find out if she needs to be tested. Great news for me. She actually handled it pretty well. She was just happy she did not get detained. The other conditions were proof of counseling and work. She is seeing a counselor once or twice weekly. She did take on temp server jobs and has been working most days. We take her or she takes the train. She seems to be very happy to have something to do and has for the most part been very pleasant at home. Her Dad is monitoring her money and that seems to be going ok as well. I am trying to help her find a counseling group in the area that she can attend as well. She said she would rather something like that rather than outpatient care. Thank you so much for your continued support. One day at a time and for now I am really ok with that.
dear help4t,
Thank you for this update and the encouraging news. This all sounds good. You are doing a wonderful job and have been there for your daughter in such meaningful ways throughout the ups and downs. Thank you for being there for her, for being dedicated to practicing CRAFT, and for keeping us informed… This is helpful for everyone. Rest well this evening.