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Denial About Addiction – Will My Son See the Truth?

annieunhooked April 9, 2020

She wonders if her son will ever see the truth about his addiction and destructive behaviors. He seems in complete denial about his addiction. She feels the damage on her own life from his chaotic patterns repeating over and over.

[This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To become a member of Allies in Recovery today and learn how to reduce the chaos of addiction in your family, click here.]

“…I love podcast 55. Thanks… Yesterday there was so much news about fentanyl busts, methamphetamine busts – my sons favorite drug, I felt inclined to share the articles with my son. As usual his response is he doesn’t have a drug problem. He’s in denial about his addiction. He does think fentanyl is what killed his friend in January. He also went to funeral of a friend who OD’d recently, in his parents house behind a locked door. That’s the 4th one in his group of friends. Who’s next?

I know it’s typical for addicts bouncing around from house to house, to leave when they can and leave all their unwanted crap. My son has just done this again. Yet another new chance for him for him to start over. After breaking bedroom door, furniture, hole in wall,etc after I last kicked him out, nothing has been fixed. Only taking what he wants, leaving the trash behind.

The most confusing part are the texts I received in the past days from him. He is angry that no one in his family (myself, his brother or dad) have called or come over to see how nice his new place is. Not EVER acknowledging the mess he left each of us. NEVER grateful or thankful. This new beginning has happened for him so many times in the last 4 years. But never once would he face his addiction problem. I feel there is permanent damage to his brain. He just does not see the truth.

My own brain and life are damaged too. A few calm days then come the bad days. I’m thankful for sending out my thoughts today.”

When he’s in denial about his addiction, give yourself some moments of peace

I can feel your combined frustration and exhaustion.  I too have been there many times and found it helpful to put some space on the turmoil. It’s what I call taking “sanctuary moments.” Like an adult recess. Whether it meant escaping for a weekend, a quick trip to the salon or spa for a few hours, playing a meditation video on my phone, or a 5 minute barefoot walk through grass (right now it would be snow, that can get me focused elsewhere for a moment too!). These breaks for peace are SO important.

The more often we take peace breaks, the more we are inviting peace to return over and over like a calming wave. It works! Strength comes in those moments.

Try not to take his behavior personally

I felt like I argued with my son in every possible language when he was in denial about his addiction. He too saw no truth. He denied, blamed, insulted, disappeared, distracted, spewed hate, played dumb. WHATEVER it took to exit the conversation and get the spotlight off the problem – which was that he was addicted and it was out-of-control.

Nothing I said mattered. He had an agenda NOT to hear me, and had no interest in resolving issues. The reality was I was dealing with a chemical and my son was buried under the mask of it. I didn’t understand the psychological patterns of addiction and that it wasn’t personally against me. Nor that I could respond in ways that redirected it. I had to find a different way to heal the situation. This meant dropping my usual weapons and stop trying to get through for a while.  My conversations with him became very intentional. I had to keep them light, loving and short until I felt better, and got better at navigating this very tough terrain.

The selfish, ungrateful and sometimes hostile stuff is mind boggling. It’s also unfortunately a symptom of the sickness, and not personal. Even though it feels and affects us very personally. The communication/conflict dynamics can just about make your brain catch on fire.  There is no getting to the bottom of it! It’s one of the worst parts of it. Everyone gets swept up in one person’s tornado.  I lived that for a long time, until I couldn’t do it anymore. The addiction and behaviors it led to were killing both of us.

I hated the times of chaos and lived through so many

It was so hectic sometimes that I couldn’t stand even having the radio on when I got in my car alone. The chaos between my son, my mother and me was nonstop. Craziness, messes, police situations, HIS bill-collectors, HER pill addiction and manipulation, her wild religious threats and rambling declarations, the aftermath of whatever tornado he was causing. I was surrounded. I felt like I drank poison every time I was dealt with it. Acid stomach, swirling mind, just plain MADNESS.

And then when it got quiet, sadness would set in… then fear. And then the cycle would begin to build up for the next round. Believe me, you are not alone in what you are going through.

So many who have been in the grip of chemicals begin to believe gravity doesn’t apply to them. My son attended funerals of his young friends, and then would return to dangerous behavior that night (if not before). Not seeming to realize (or care?), that he was as much at risk. He couldn’t see the truth.

And remember to work on yourself, with CRAFT

When someone you love is in denial about their addiction, none of the above makes sense or is logical behavior! Not to someone in their right mind, which is key to remember, they are currently not. It’s almost impossible to figure out a way to get truth through to them. That is where we, as those who love them and are desperate for their wellness and SAFETY, can get obsessed and sick with the situation. We can get pulled into their vortex and once you are swirling in it, it’s very difficult to see your way out.

Taking those peace breaks is a great response.  When chaos comes calling, I learned to respond to it with inner peace.

That said, I can’t stress enough how critical it is to work on yourself – learning, growing strong, developing new responses, gathering peace, strength, information, support, going to supportive meetings, watching CRAFT Method modules on here, etc. ALL of it pays off.

The healthier you become, the healthier the situation can become

Doing these things in the in between times will build you up and give you more power over the situation versus being pulled into it. Your recovery is an ally for your son, and that is more powerful than many people realize.  The healthier you become, the healthier the situation can become. Your peace will have a calming effect on the environment. It takes time, but peace can be your GPS through the darkest times.

Recovering is like turning a ship around for every person touched by addiction, whether you are the one using, or someone suffering on the sidelines. I also think of recovering like weight loss.  Things didn’t go off course over-night, and they won’t get better overnight either.  But they CAN get better, and they will if you do the work in the “mean-time.” Which is truly a mean time!  But it’s an important time. You are changing the atmosphere and the rhythm of your family when you modify your own patterns and responses, and that is no small thing.

It’s a one day at a time (sometimes a breath at a time) process.

In my 2nd book “Unbroken, Navigating the Madness of Family Dysfunction, Addiction, Alcoholism and Heartache,” I wrote about how someone advised me to “Do the next right thing for the next 15 minutes over and over again.” Pretty soon you do that for an hour, then the day…then you find you are getting through it.

When he was in denial about his addiction, there was a time when life seemed impossible

My own son turned 28 this week and I can’t stop marveling at how far we’ve come.  I have been reflecting so much in the days around this birthday. Thinking back to the hardest of times when he was out in active use. I was just telling a friend that ages 14-26 were HARD years that just about cost me my mind. Between his addiction and my mom’s (which included SO much denial and manipulation, as she is literally the church lady), I didn’t think I would survive my life!   

My son went to treatment six years ago, but had a lot to work out for a few years after. It was an untangling process, like a huge bunch of knotted up Christmas lights that had to be sorted out one at a time. I had a lot to work out within myself, which I didn’t realize at first because his behavior shouted the loudest, and was so harmful and pretty much – wrong in my perspective.

The truth was, we were all a mess because of how sick he had become.

There was a time when my son slept in a car in a grocery store parking lot for weeks, in sub-zero temperatures (I wrote about it in my first book, “Unhooked”). I literally lost my mind over him. That summer he slept in a baseball dug out. Life seemed impossible.  And yet here we are, he is thriving and I live a life of peace and joy. Life bears no evidence of those days except that we still talk about them.

We all had work to do.  We had become like one big amoeba moving around in circles of chaos. When I stepped out and started getting better, and managing my relationship with my son differently – it led to greater and greater peace. This I believe, is how it works when the family is recovering.

Remember, it’s a process

Let me encourage you – it can turn around, no matter how dark. It just takes time, and effort in the quiet moments. That’s where you will gain your strength.

There’s a lot of fight in you, otherwise you wouldn’t still be in this. Remember, it’s a process!  Keep going, the calm days will eventually grow stronger and occur more often than the bad ones. As you get stronger, the situation will gradually improve.

Sorry for the long post, but you seemed like you might need a boost. My goal was to ignite hope in you and remind you that you can do this! You are not alone in it! You are among friends here.

Wishing you much peace and strength tonight,

Annie

A membership at Allies in Recovery brings you into contact with experts in the fields of recovery and treatment for drug and alcohol issues. Our learning platform introduces you to CRAFT and guides you through the best techniques for unblocking the situation. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn more here.

image © Tobias Tullius via Unsplash

Categories: CRAFT, Self-Care for the Family Member
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annieunhooked
I am the daughter as well as the mother of someone who has had struggles with narcotic pain medication following injuries. My son is five years in recovery, my mother is still prescribed these medications and abuses them. Her health, mindset and awareness are failing as a result. Substance abuse has been a part of my life ALL my life. I know the deep despair, confusion, frustration, and terror it causes a family. I also know that with proper care, kind, healthy support, information and effort we CAN recover and rise.

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Is Suboxone a Good Thing for Your Loved One?

An Allies in Recovery member is overwhelmed by all the conflicting information and stances on Suboxone. Her 40-year-old son has struggled for 15 years with opioids and other drugs, and his new treatment plan includes Suboxone. Is this a good thing? CRAFT Trainer and Family Recovery Advocate, Laurie MacDougall, weighs in with an array of facts and lived experience.

Laurie MacDougall June 30, 2022

I’m Not the One Who’s Sending Him to Jail

An Allies in Recovery Member has been caught in a long cycle of “bailing out” their Loved One after every relapse. Sometimes it’s been money for rehab, other times it’s been money for lawyers to keep him out of jail. Is it time to break that cycle? Loving someone doesn’t mean shouldering responsibility for all the choices they make. 

Dominique Simon June 17, 2022

Boundaries and Rewards: Tips on Using CRAFT

An Allies in Recovery member is encountering difficulties with removing rewards and holding boundaries. They’re asking their loved one to leave when he’s drinking, but he simply refuses! In this post, we offer a little refresher on rewards – when to use them, and what kinds – as part of the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) approach that we teach you on our website.

isabel June 3, 2022
Flower in Mud Crack

Working on my Own Recovery

She is facing some hard truths as she looks back on the past ten years of her husband’s addiction. He is finally sober, but he has yet to acknowledge what he put the family through. What should she expect at this point in her loved one’s recovery.

Dominique Simon July 15, 2019
Fishing Boat and Lighthouse

I Have no Patience Left

The courts failed to enforce treatment for her daughter, once out of jail. Now her daughter’s life is a real mess. Take a look at how Dominique Simon-Levine lays out an approach to help this family member stay on track.

Dominique Simon July 10, 2019
Pussy Willow

How do You Trust Again?

We often find ourselves wondering how to repair the bonds that are broken when trust has been violated. In this thoughtful exploration of the topic of trust, Annie Highwater shares her insights about the repair process. You won’t want to miss the gems of wisdom shares in this post!

annieunhooked March 11, 2019

Drug Addict Husband – She’s Hopeless and Exhausted

She has struggled through 12 years of her husband’s addiction, having single-handedly provided for their family for all of these years, and is now at a loss. All of the patience, love and compassion she used to have seem long gone, and resentment keeps mounting. CRAFT looks at where to best focus our energies when these feelings weigh us down.

Dominique Simon March 1, 2019
Woman Reading by Matisse

Her Boss Doesn’t Know What She is Dealing With

This mom received a harsh note about her work performance on the eve of her holiday break. Her loved one’s addiction has consumed so much of her energy and time that she hasn’t been able to devote as much attention to her work as she’s used to. Unable to share any of this with her boss, she feels anxiety and shame about his poorly timed message.

Dominique Simon January 24, 2019
Worry-woman with mug

Does Worrying Prove I Love You?

What’s the antidote to worry and where does it show up in your body? How is it connected to love? Can worry ever be helpful? When does worrying cross the line and become destructive, or self-destructive? What does Allies in Recovery have to offer when worrying about your loved one is taking over your thoughts?

isabel November 7, 2018
David Sheff

An Extract from David Sheff’s ‘Beautiful Boy’

David Sheff’s story about his son’s addiction and recovery has led him to several realizations about himself as a parent his own need to recover from the experience. He found that his constant suffering and struggle through near crises with his son was easier to deal with than focusing on himself. Today, their relationship has evolved into one of independence, acceptance, compassion and always love.

an-air-member February 6, 2018
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
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Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

Allies in Recovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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