Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

Why Covering for Your Loved One Might be Counterproductive

Allies in Recovery, AiR, Dominique Simon-Levine, dsl, addiction, addiction recovery, drugs, loved one, heroine, sober, sobriety, using, natural consequences, influence

When trying to influence a loved one who is using, you can go a step further. You can also allow for natural consequences to occur. They don’t have to be major calamities. Smaller more subtle mishaps could have the same effect.

Allies in Recovery, AiR, Dominique Simon-Levine, dsl, addiction, addiction recovery, drugs, loved one, heroine, sober, sobriety, using, natural consequences, influence

Illustration: Eleanor Davis

 When an ultimatum drives them underground

I worked with an older woman whose husband has a drinking problem. They’ve been married for over 50 years.  He’s 77. The wife had grown so concerned with her husband’s drinking and its effect on their marriage that she had given him an ultimatum: “Stop or I’ll leave.” She had punctuated her ultimatum with a stay at her daughter’s for a couple days. The husband had agreed, but was now secretly sneaking alcohol wherever he could and thought he was getting away with it.

 

Where are the natural consequences?

The problem with finding an easy solution to influencing her husband was that he wasn’t suffering any natural consequences to speak of.  There was no job at which to get into trouble; he kept sober when family came over; and, he rode his bike over long distances and was in great physical shape.

The ultimatum had driven him underground. I told her I thought this was a good start. Her husband was now sneaking his drinks behind the woodpile. The no drinking “rule” was almost certainly giving him occasional pause to see the lengths to which he was now going to drink and the secrets he now had to keep.

 

The work of influencing a loved one can indeed be a subtle business

It’s about walking out of the room and leaving them alone when you sense they’ve been using or, when you know they haven’t been using, sitting on the couch together and watching a favorite show. It means not hugging them or behaving as if everything is okay when you know there has been use. But is there more? Can you actually go a step further to create some natural consequences?

The couple had been asked by their good friends to feed their cat while they were out of town. At some point, the husband decided to reach high up over the cupboards in their kitchen for a large bottle of red wine he saw. In his reach he knocked over a box of couscous that went flying all over the kitchen counters and floors. The wife was aghast when she saw it and helped her husband clean it up. But could she have left it for him to deal with?  She worried that he would do a poor job of cleaning it up.  I asked her if that was so bad?  What if the friends came home and asked what had happened? What if she called her friends and told them what had happened and asked if they would say something to the husband?

“Oh my,” she said.  I asked if the friends knew about his drinking problem. She said yes. Might they be willing to turn up the heat? She said yes.  “But would that be fair?” she asked. “Ah,” I said, “is this a fair fight? Are you going to help keep his secrets? Is it dangerous to tell? If not, consider it.”

 

Consider not keeping secrets

Had she chosen not to cover up this accident, it could have been an embarrassing reminder to her husband of the gymnastics he was going through to get a drink.  It could have led to the realization that his secret was seeping out and had reached his good friends.

There are the major calamities that befall people who abuse drugs and alcohol and sometimes these events drive people to stop using.  But there are also the small and more subtle events that embarrass, that shame, or that make us look silly, which can also be the catalyst for change. Make an effort to seize these opportunities to allow such moments to naturally occur.

Join the Allies in Recovery member site today for full, unlimited access to our e-learning platform, expert guidance, and the chance to connect with others in your situation. Learn more here.

Loading

Related Posts from "Natural Consequences"

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

My Son’s in Jail, And I Think It Saved His Life

No one wants to see their Loved One incarcerated. Surprisingly enough, however, it’s not always the worst of outcomes. Eliza’s son has struggled with substance use for years, and recently experienced a dangerous overdose. Dominique Simon-Levine helps her assess this moment of incarceration—which could bring hazards or opportunities—and shares experiences from her own family and the Allies in Recovery community.

Now He’s Abusing His ADHD Medication. What to do?

Her long-time partner added a new drug to the usual mix of cannabis and alcohol: now he’s got a prescription for ADHD meds and is blowing through a month’s supply in 5 days. He blames all his negative behaviors on his underlying depression. How can she be helpful to her partner, without playing into his victim mentality? She feels like she might want to give up on his recovery and ask him to move out…but we have some great CRAFT-informed tips for strategies she can try first.

He’s in a Recovery House and Struggling. What Can the Family Do?

A mom is worried about her son who is struggling in his recovery house setting. The family has been practicing CRAFT when engaging with him, in hopes of continuing to steer him towards recovery, but still feel this is a dangerous time for him. They would like to make their continued help with the rent contingent on some sort of counseling if he’s not using, or detox if he is. Or let the consequences happen…

He May Be Spending the Holidays in Jail. Should I Bail Him Out?

Anger and resentment towards her loved one has transformed – with one event – into love and fear. He was arrested out of state for dealing drugs and driving under the influence. The family has confirmation that he has indeed been using meth again. Now, the holiday together is in question, and she wonders how much to share with the family. The CRAFT approach suggests “removing rewards” and “allowing natural consequences.” Read on to see our view that the arrest might end up helping the situation and getting him to treatment.

His Need for Friends is Outweighing His Desire to Get Sober

It is difficult for our Allies member to see her son struggling to make friends while at the same time using alcohol to overcome his social anxiety. By following the CRAFT principles of effective communication, she is able to step back and allow him to experience the negative consequences of his drinking, and to focus on rewarding his positive choices. This is easier said than done, but her loving support and commitment to CRAFT is guiding him in the right direction.  

He Won’t Agree to the Care We Know He Needs

Cwfranklin’s adult son smokes fentanyl. With his parents’ active support, he’s gone through various rounds of treatment. His recoveries have been substantial, but so far they haven’t lasted. Now his parents are considering “lines in the sand” to convince him to undertake a longer, multi-stage treatment plan. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine suggests an alternative: CRAFT-informed engagement that returns responsibility to their Loved One, where it belongs. 

Material Rewards Can Make Recovery Fun — and Lead To Dramatically Better Outcomes

The research is clear: tangible rewards can greatly improve recovery efforts. Such programs are at last being given a chance. It’s called contingency management: the use of modest but far from trivial rewards for progress toward recovery. And for many suffering from SUD, it works. Now, after decades of resistance in the U.S., the approach is being adopted in states and cities across the country.

Our Son Moved Back Home But He’s Using: My Anxiety Is Off The Charts!

Her grown son has moved back home and is using cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana — and angrily denying it. Her husband has had enough and is ready to kick the son out. Our Allies in Recovery member wants peace for her family and healing for her son. To call the situation in this home stressful is a huge understatement. We help her sort through the challenges of her situation and offer guidance with communication using the time-tested strategies outlined in the CRAFT approach.

9 CRAFT-y Guidelines to Break the Cycle of Addiction

An Allies member has her daughter living with her, which felt like a relief, at least at first. She had kicked her methamphetamine habit and completed detox and treatment. Now, they’ve slipped into a dance that doesn’t feel so great. She’s using less, but is substituting fentanyl for the methamphetamine. Mom sees that there’s a cycle that needs to be broken, but she wants to keep building on the positive aspects of their relationship. She’s also not sure if having her daughter at home is too enabling, but she promised to let her stay. 

Three Common Thinking Traps, and How to Avoid Them 

Our minds have various kinds of natural bias. Fortunately they can be recognized and resisted. Bias affects everyone’s thinking. While it isn’t always a disaster, it can cause serious problems, including misunderstandings and conflict between Loved Ones. In this NPR interview, Yale Professor Woo-kyoung Ahn discusses three of the most common sorts of bias, and how we can train ourselves to counteract them. 

I’m Not the One Who’s Sending Him to Jail

An Allies in Recovery Member has been caught in a long cycle of “bailing out” their Loved One after every relapse. Sometimes it’s been money for rehab, other times it’s been money for lawyers to keep him out of jail. Is it time to break that cycle? Loving someone doesn’t mean shouldering responsibility for all the choices they make. 

I Have no Patience Left

The courts failed to enforce treatment for her daughter, once out of jail. Now her daughter’s life is a real mess. Take a look at how Dominique Simon-Levine lays out an approach to help this family member stay on track.

Help! We Need a New Approach

She’s fed up with her son’s patterns of non-communication. Whenever his use is addressed, he withdraws and shuts off communication. When he does reach out, it always seems to be on his terms. How do you take the wheel when it feels like your loved one is used to calling all the shots?

He’s Angry And Pushing us Away

They began to implement CRAFT guidelines when he comes home high, trying new gestures and rewards to connect with him when he’s sober. Their son however, is defiant and angry with his parents, rejecting any kind gestures. He uses pot daily, misses school, and doesn’t see his use as a problem.

Can We Protect Them from Overdose?

How do you keep from encouraging further drug use by raising the bottom and protecting your loved one from overdose? How as a family member do you live with the dangers your loved one is facing, day in and day out? How do you avoid depleting your energy and becoming obsessed with the circumstances of your loved one’s life?