Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

What If He Loses the Car? How We Inadvertently Enable

Dominique Simon March 7, 2016
car-addiction-consequences

Our Allies member fears that if she stops helping her son financially with his car, things will spiral out of control: loss of car, then job and more use. But while she wants to support her loved one’s sobriety, she worries that her financial support is being diverted to his drug use. How we inadvertently enable.

The Discussion Blog on our member site is a dynamic place of exchange. Members dialogue with experts in the field of family intervention for addicted loved ones. A member recently left this comment. Dominique Simon-Levine, founder of Allies in Recovery, responds below:

enable non-use family intervention addiction allies in recovery
Illustration © Eleanor Davis

“Yes – I have been torn by my loved one’s job, car, etc.  …..  I mainly, possibly selfishly, want him to keep the above (job, car) because I am afraid he will be 100% dependent on me.  The last thing I want is for him to live with me because I will just lose my mind.  However, I do want him become drug free  …..  I just don’t know how to make both happen  ….. 

He has been in and out of rehabs and now going again (due to the court system)  …..  He also suffers from depression and anxiety and has not gotten any help, except for being put on anti-depressants (which don’t seem to work)  …..

Don’t know where he can go and how to get him there  …..  I feel that as long as he has his car, he is able to get to work (providing they allow him to return  …..  He left a sober house and is living with friends (yuk).  He has a chance to live with a family member, but keeps putting if off – so when he goes to rehab and leaves, I just don’t know what will happen …..

I just keep hoping I can save his car and he can save his job …..”

 

Our rewards must enable non-use

This is the rub, isn’t it?  You don’t want your loved one even more dependent on you, and if they lose their job, won’t that be the case? What would happen if you didn’t step in? The car would be lost, and then maybe the job. Right now, your loved one has both AND is actively using.  So, we could say that the current setup isn’t leading him any closer to treatment.

One question to ask yourself is what kind of job doesn’t pay enough to keep a car on the road? Is your loved one looking for the occasional large ticket repair, which may be correct given a low paying job? Or is he repeatedly asking for gas money, or money for windshield wipers, towing charges, fines, and bailing the car out of impoundment?  The latter would certainly signal that your loved one is taking his earnings, spending it on drugs or alcohol or for problems related to their use, and getting you to pay for the ongoing costs of keeping the car on the road.  And you’ll do it because you fear the loss of the car and what that would mean for the job. In a word: He’s got you.

An important principle in this work is that whatever you do, you must be reasonably comfortable doing it.  So you don’t provide rewards that are too much of a stretch. Conversely, you don’t remove rewards if you simply can’t. Remember,  your well-being is also important here.  This may mean you continue to pay for his car, despite knowing it is supporting his drug habit. You do this because of the stress it causes you as you imagine your loved one losing his job and heading straight for your front door with additional needs.

Yet, I hope thinking it through like we are about to do, will help build your resolve and help you see things slightly differently.

How do I enable non-use? Allow natural consequences…

The central question is this: is the car supporting non-use, by keeping your loved one working, or has it ALSO become an important source of money for drugs and for a bailout when they get him in trouble (since you pay for the — real or imagined — costs of the car)?

Is it possible your son would shift some of his earnings from drugs to keeping the car on the road if you stopped paying for the car?

And what would happen if your loved one lost the car?  Would he figure out another means of getting to work?  Or would he lose his job?  Would losing car and job signal to your son that his behavior — his active use — is leading to more consequences?  That his life is getting worse?

What if you tried something different?

Should this happen, what if you didn’t respond to his deeper dependence on you?  What if you let him figure out public transport or arrange rides with colleagues or, if he loses his job. Or, what if he went on unemployment?  What if you sat by as this happened, unwilling to ask him home or to financially support him?

It could be that this bad turn of events gets your son’s attention.  Without you, the ‘natural consequences’ of unemployment, public transport, and maybe even public housing will signal a new low, perhaps making life so unbearable that he becomes determined to address the drugs and alcohol.  You just don’t know.

But you do know down deep whether, by providing money for the car, you are supporting non-use or active use.  And you also know down deep that you can avoid greater dependence on you should he lose his job.  Not easy for sure, but these are the actions under your control that can influence your loved one’s use.

Join the Allies in Recovery member site today for full, unlimited access to our e-learning platform, expert guidance, and the chance to connect with others in your situation. Learn more here

Categories: Natural Consequences, Rewards
Tagged:
Loading
Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

Related Posts from "Rewards"

What Do “Using” and “Not Using” Really Mean?

In this closer look at Module 5, you’ll learn a tenet of CRAFT – rewarding positive behavior and removing rewards for negative behavior. When it comes to “using,” the moment-by-moment details become important. Your job is increasing your awareness by witnessing and noticing your loved one’s behavior. “Using” is really a larger term including before, during, and after interacting with a substance. Everything else is “not using.” When there are periods, maybe tiny ones, of not using, move in with gentle, quiet rewards of connection. It’s important, too, to learn how to calm your system enough to do this process. It’s all trial and error, so don’t judge yourself for not doing it right. But do notice how what you’re doing makes an impact. Check out Module 5 for more.

Allies in Recovery May 8, 2023
0 Comments

What Are Natural Consequences? More on Modules 5 & 6

CRAFT is like a menu. The better your awareness of patterns from watching yourself and your loved one – over time – and experimenting to see what works, the better you understand what to choose. Laurie talks about her learning process with her son, and how it led her to understand what she could and couldn’t live with. You can learn to open your eyes, to check with yourself in a very deep way, and notice what you may not have before. The more you know about what you’re looking for, the more effective CRAFT becomes, the better your decisions in the the moment. Eventually you can say, “This isn’t working, so here are your options,” and your loved one can choose.

Allies in Recovery May 8, 2023

What Do “Using” and “Not Using” Really Mean?

In this closer look at Module 5, you’ll learn a tenet of CRAFT – rewarding positive behavior and removing rewards for negative behavior. When it comes to “using,” the moment-by-moment details become important. Your job is increasing your awareness by witnessing and noticing your loved one’s behavior. “Using” is really a larger term including before, during, and after interacting with a substance. Everything else is “not using.” When there are periods, maybe tiny ones, of not using, move in with gentle, quiet rewards of connection. It’s important, too, to learn how to calm your system enough to do this process. It’s all trial and error, so don’t judge yourself for not doing it right. But do notice how what you’re doing makes an impact. Check out Module 5 for more.

Allies in Recovery May 1, 2023

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

Dominique Simon March 31, 2023

How Do I Prepare for My Daughter with SUD to Come Home? And What About Her Boyfriend?

Her daughter is involved with a man who may be sabotaging her efforts to stop using substances. But she’s expressed some readiness to get help, and mom wants to support her in any way that she can. Mom’s working on ignoring the bad-news boyfriend while setting up guidelines for her return home. She needs guidance on the details…Allies in Recovery weighs in with some CRAFT-based tips.

Dominique Simon March 24, 2023

The Important Difference Between Bribes, Incentives, and Positive Reinforcement

A mom wrote in asking for guidance on whether she should offer to reward her son for attending addiction recovery group meetings. However, she is unsure if she’s implementing the CRAFT concept of “rewards” correctly. Laurie MacDougall, an Allies in Recovery virtual program trainer – who herself has a loved one with SUD – explains the important differences between bribes, incentives, and positive reinforcement. Laurie advises steering away from the first two and sticking with positive reinforcement instead.

Laurie MacDougall March 10, 2023

Did I Do CRAFT Wrong and Trigger Him to Drink?

She thought her husband was drinking, so she left. He called and said he wasn’t drinking, so she came home, but by then he’d gone out and he did drink. This wife feels she inadvertently triggered her husband to go drink. Did she? She also feels like she messed everything up with one episode of removing rewards. Did she really? The CRAFT approach has us “remove rewards,” including removing ourselves, when our loved one is using substances. CRAFT also asks you to make numerous split-second decisions every day. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes.  In the post below, we walk through this scenario with some CRAFT ABC’s.

isabel December 30, 2022

He May Be Spending the Holidays in Jail. Should I Bail Him Out?

Anger and resentment towards her loved one has transformed – with one event – into love and fear. He was arrested out of state for dealing drugs and driving under the influence. The family has confirmation that he has indeed been using meth again. Now, the holiday together is in question, and she wonders how much to share with the family. The CRAFT approach suggests “removing rewards” and “allowing natural consequences.” Read on to see our view that the arrest might end up helping the situation and getting him to treatment.

Dominique Simon December 16, 2022

We Keep Paying. He Keeps Returning to Use. How Much Longer?

Kim has watched her son’s struggle with stimulants for years, and has paid for his treatment and housing along the way. Although he’s had repeated success with short-term Partial Hospitalization Programs (PHPs), he starts using again when he moves to a lower level of care. And the bills have added up. Kim wants to continue her support, but worries that she can’t sustain it. Fortunately, there are approaches that could break this cycle. Allies CEO Dominique Simon-Levine has some informed and encouraging suggestions.

Dominique Simon November 26, 2022
0 Comments

His Need for Friends is Outweighing His Desire to Get Sober

It is difficult for our Allies member to see her son struggling to make friends while at the same time using alcohol to overcome his social anxiety. By following the CRAFT principles of effective communication, she is able to step back and allow him to experience the negative consequences of his drinking, and to focus on rewarding his positive choices. This is easier said than done, but her loving support and commitment to CRAFT is guiding him in the right direction.  

Dominique Simon November 11, 2022

Material Rewards Can Make Recovery Fun — and Lead To Dramatically Better Outcomes

The research is clear: tangible rewards can greatly improve recovery efforts. Such programs are at last being given a chance. It’s called contingency management: the use of modest but far from trivial rewards for progress toward recovery. And for many suffering from SUD, it works. Now, after decades of resistance in the U.S., the approach is being adopted in states and cities across the country.

rredick October 26, 2022
0 Comments

The College Conundrum — CRAFT’s Position

An Allies in Recovery member has arranged a tentative contract with her son with regards to financing his return to college. He is in early recovery and is quite motivated to return to school, the place where his use spun out of control. He has agreed to pay for his own tuition for now. Allies in Recovery founder Dominique Simon-Levine, weighs in with some CRAFT perspective.

Dominique Simon July 29, 2022

I’m Not the One Who’s Sending Him to Jail

An Allies in Recovery Member has been caught in a long cycle of “bailing out” their Loved One after every relapse. Sometimes it’s been money for rehab, other times it’s been money for lawyers to keep him out of jail. Is it time to break that cycle? Loving someone doesn’t mean shouldering responsibility for all the choices they make. 

Dominique Simon June 17, 2022

Boundaries and Rewards: Tips on Using CRAFT

An Allies in Recovery member is encountering difficulties with removing rewards and holding boundaries. They’re asking their loved one to leave when he’s drinking, but he simply refuses! In this post, we offer a little refresher on rewards – when to use them, and what kinds – as part of the Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) approach that we teach you on our website.

isabel June 3, 2022
Allies in Recovery, AiR, Dominique Simon-Levine, dsl, addiction, recovery, treatment, drugs, marijuana, pot, dabs, pipe, approach, loved one, selfish, self-centered, manipulate, manipulative, Communication

Help! We Need a New Approach

She’s fed up with her son’s patterns of non-communication. Whenever his use is addressed, he withdraws and shuts off communication. When he does reach out, it always seems to be on his terms. How do you take the wheel when it feels like your loved one is used to calling all the shots?

Dominique Simon February 18, 2019
Allies in Recovery, AiR, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, addiction recovery, recovery, Craft, strategy, MAT, rewards, heroin, cocaine, fentanyl, drugs, section 35, methadone, buprenorphine, treament, detox, opioids, opiates, drug addict son living home

Our Strategy Is No Longer Working

They’ve always opened their home to him when he’s trying to get clean but he has now started taking advantage of his parents. He is getting high in their house, stealing from them, enjoying a warm bed and food while using. He’s not really interested in going into treatment. He knows what he needs to say to get through the door.

Dominique Simon May 29, 2018
AiR, Allies in Recovery, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, using, rewards, CRAFT, drug use, treatment, reward, guilt, engage, persevere

You Are a Reward

You might be grumbling. You might be accusing, guilting or complaining. Or trying desperately to prevent them from going out. You might be brooding in a cold silence. This might be hard to believe, but your presence and your conversation, however negative, are something your loved one counts on, and expects from you.

isabel March 7, 2017
relapse recovery boundaries Allies in Recovery addiction family intervention Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, CRAFT, alcohol, stealing, behavior, withdrawal, stealing, emotions

Stick to Your Guns!

A mom on our Allies in Recovery member site wrote in about her daughter’s recent relapse. Her daughter has been staying away from home, reconnecting with an ex-boyfriend who was dealing drugs, on a binge drinking heavily and doing coke.

Dominique Simon May 12, 2016

Report

Harassment or bullying behavior
Contains mature or sensitive content
Contains misleading or false information
Contains abusive or derogatory content
Contains spam, fake content or potential malware

Block Member?

Please confirm you want to block this member.

You will no longer be able to:

  • See blocked member's posts
  • Mention this member in posts
  • Invite this member to groups
  • Message this member
  • Add this member as a connection

Please note: This action will also remove this member from your connections and send a report to the site admin. Please allow a few minutes for this process to complete.

Report

You have already reported this .