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Did we really need to dive into that argument? Was it really a good idea to rush and meet that friend on the far side of town? Were we truly ready to offer meaningful help? Most of us have faced such questions after the fact. But recovery writer Annie Highwater has made it a point recently to look for calm and peace inside before diving into stressful situations on another’s behalf. As she writes in this brief essay, the results have proven better for everyone.
Self-awareness: it’s something most of us realize is good for us, but few of us work on enough. I certainly hadn’t, especially when it came to responding to stressful situations (and people). What a change when I finally did! Developing healthy processes for such moments improved the whole climate of my life.
It was a great lesson for me. Being self-aware enough to catch our minds in a moment when our nerves and emotions are activated can make a profound difference when navigating difficult situations. That awareness makes possible something simple yet profound: a pause…to take a breath…and think about what might be upstream from this moment.
How do I catch myself surging with the “Three F’s.”
The Three F’s
- When I feel myself super-charged with FEAR
- When I’m desperate to FIX (stop a consequence, force or control an outcome, solve a problem, etc.)
- When I feel an overpowering need to move or make decisions FAST
My personal Recovery 101 has been about learning that there are times someone may come to you as if their hair is on fire. In those moments, it’s important to remember that not everything is an actual emergency, and that someone else’s urgency or problem may not be yours to solve.
Here are some questions I ask myself in such a moment: Is this mine? What can I actually do about it? Would intervening truly help, or would it just postpone matters for them and create problems/conflict/stress/chaos for me?
Naturally, there are times I feel it’s best to proceed, be involved, lend support, etc. But many times I realize it’s not my place either to give advice or to resolve someone else’s conflict or consequences. And here’s another consideration I find vital to remember: it doesn’t have to be all or nothing! I can be loving and supportive of someone without being in the middle (or in charge) of their situation.
Notice how I’m doing some work with myself before stepping into the effort to help someone else? I find this a more effective approach all the way around. Having a process to extinguish, or at least dampen, my own emotional flare-ups is helpful for everyone.
When we are surging with fear, obsessed with fixing (rescuing, helping, saving), or desperate to get it all done fast…maybe it’s really time to pause and recenter. Take a walk. Call a trusted person, someone who understands the need for wisdom and calm. Say a prayer. Or perhaps just step aside.
Self-awareness, emotional awareness, coping skills, and other emotional tools can avert a disaster and spare us unwanted drama. Or at the very least keep us from making it worse.
So here’s a caring reminder, for myself and anyone who may need to hear it: peace is a valuable asset to protect! Once I might have leaped first and asked questions later. These days I’m inclined to think a situation through before jumping in.
Like everyone, I’m a work in progress…but also a million miles from where I used to be.
Peace is possible.
Annie
