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He’s Been Smoking Pot Half His Young Life

Dominique Simon February 9, 2017
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An Allies in Recovery member recently wrote in about her son’s pot use, which keeps her up at night, as she realizes that he has been using pot for half his young life. He currently attends a community college and is doing well. Although she pays for school and rent, she tries not to pay for anything else. Fortunately, they have a loving and close relationship and he never smokes in front of her. But he doesn’t want to stop smoking pot, often saying ‘life is short’ and ‘I like it.’ She is looking for advice on what she should be doing differently. Should her paying for school and rent come with more requirements?

This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To learn more about membership, see our Membership Benefits page.

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Illustration © Eleanor Davis

 

Dominique Simon-Levine responds to this mother’s concerns below.

Pot today is a different drug:

Marijuana use can be difficult to categorize. The drug appears less harmful than alcohol and has fewer withdrawal symptoms. It is still, however, a powerful drug, made ever more so in its current manifestation. THC levels in the drug (the active chemical in cannabis) can be as low as 10-15% (more common in the drug of our youth) and as high as 80-90%.  Experts describe the pot of today as a completely different drug.

If I had to characterize pot users in one sentence I would describe them as observers of their own life. This passivity cripples ambition and motivation.

Your relationship with your son is unusually strong. That he shares with you and that you listen without judgment is the bridge we talk about building between family and loved one. With this connection, your son will come to you when it hurts.

 

Building the bridge and keeping it open

The bridge is often damaged or destroyed through conflict and frustration with drug use, or perhaps it never existed, but it is a primary goal of this work.

Your son has tried, but has not continued, seeing a therapist. Was the therapist not right for him? Are there resources in your area specific to marijuana? Resources specific to young people? You need to prepare that treatment list I often talk about. It needs to be at-the-ready for when he says to you: “I’m hurting.” (Become a member to get full access to our eLearning Modules and learn how to research treatment options and prepare your intervention).

Your role is to keep that bridge open and be ready to have that talk about treatment when he signals a desire for change.

Should you take away your financial support?

The other part of your comment has to do with the resources you provide your son in the form of school fees and rent. Should you cut that back? Would that help?

The equation is relatively simple: more fixed expenses = less money for drugs.

Is it possible to make him responsible for a little more? Like the heating bill? It would be a shame to see him drop out of school. He is doing well and classes provide an important level of structure in his life. He struggles with keeping a job and with bills already. Perhaps you can tweak things a little, but not if it endangers the bridge between you.

Your son enjoyed 5 drug-free days with his family. Family matters to him and he is able to stop using in order to have that time together. That is important information.  This is the reward we talk about: the idea that you can put rewards in place that discourage use. (Module 5 talks about this) In this case, the reward for drug-free was a time to feel love, and feel cared for by family, and to be reminded how good it can feel without the crutch of a drug.

One last comment: the cigarettes are worrisome but I suggest you put that problem aside to focus on the marijuana.  In responding to your son, you want your actions to clearly line up with the drug use. Addressing cigarettes can muddle your focus.

Look after yourself

Dealing with your own worry and stress is important. Obsessing about your son doesn’t help him or you. You need to be in good shape. Many of our posts, and the Sanctuary, available on our member site, provide ways to help with this. So does Module 7 (view an excerpt of Module 7 on youtube). Focus equally on yourself and put more in place to help with your runaway thoughts. It’s exhausting to stay inside the vicious cycle of worry.

A membership at Allies in Recovery brings you into contact with experts in the fields of recovery and treatment for drug and alcohol issues. Our learning platform introduces you to CRAFT and guides you through the best techniques for unblocking the situation. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn more here.

Categories: Connection, Rewards, Self-Care for the Family Member
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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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David Sheff’s story about his son’s addiction and recovery has led him to several realizations about himself as a parent his own need to recover from the experience. He found that his constant suffering and struggle through near crises with his son was easier to deal with than focusing on himself. Today, their relationship has evolved into one of independence, acceptance, compassion and always love.

an-air-member February 6, 2018
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, divided house, family relations, manipulation, manipulate, support groups, struggle, advice, Family reaction, friends' reaction

Podcast: “Handling All of the Parallel Struggles”

Annie and Laurie open up about the parallel issues that can arise during the worst of times. With their sons’ addiction raging, they also had to deal with what was going on on other fronts: chaos, crises, judgement, family discord. They learned how to respond to other’s remarks, and not react to them, how to stay united and not sink.

AlliesInRecovery July 5, 2017
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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