My Mom is an Expert at Arguing (part 2)

AiR, Allies in Recovery, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, recovery, alcohol, opiates, relationships, fight, denial, Annie Highwater, Unhooked: a Mother's story of unhitching from the Rollercoaster of her son's addiction, fight, fighting, fights, fought, mom, mother
AiR, Allies in Recovery, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, recovery, alcohol, opiates, relationships, fight, denial, Annie Highwater, Unhooked: a Mother's story of unhitching from the Rollercoaster of her son's addiction, fight, fighting, fights, fought, mom, mother

Illustration © tpsdave via Pixabay

My knock-down fights with my Mom

Through the years my afflicted Mom and I have had knock-down, drag out fights of epic proportion over her unwillingness to admit truth. It’s happened more times than I would like to admit. It always started the same: a shocking situation would come to my attention. My first attempt to address it would always be calm as I carefully confronted her. Because I am stubbornly optimistic, I always believed that this time the outcome would be healthy. I would painstakingly plan how to approach her just in case I actually was the trigger for her lies and denial, which she usually blamed on me as well. If my Mom lied, it was because I forced her to (denial and blame-shifting very often work as a team).

I would tread lightly to give her every opportunity to be honest, promising I was on her side and not coming at her in anger even though most things I confronted her about were clearly wrong and often outrageously unsafe. The issue at hand, whether it was interfering with my son, keeping dangerous secrets that as a parent I needed to know, her nonstop lying or unlawful use of narcotic prescription pain medication, was immediately lied about. Denial. It is her knee-jerk, first instinct response.

My Mom will lie right to your face, with a Bible on her lap

The madness of it just about cost me my mind and many times cost me my temper. But, well before I would lose my temper, I first tried to present the evidence with reasoning and fact. To which she’d escalate the denial and even add some heat to it by talking faster and sidestepping the issue with reasons her life has been hard. She would even tell me her life has been too hard for this conversation.

As insane as it was, this part could last over an hour. I would allow her to spin me all over the place with distracting complaints and excuses. When I would finally pin her down with too much truth to deny she would quickly flip her script and get mean, accusing me of things that were not only completely untrue, they were always vicious. It was just a nasty spewing of vitriol (I was just as guilty myself, as I would then respond the same way).

Vitriol can be described as a solution-less rant of hate-filled criticism. A brand of sulfuric acid was named Vitriol, reason being that the acid was strong enough to burn through anything, including steel and rock.

Another permanent boundary I now have: I will not remain in the presence of vitriol.

My Mom, like any desperately ill, addicted person, is very hard to pin down on any one point. She spins left and veers right like a seasoned quarterback. This would cause me to chase down one distracting thing after another. The closer I got to exposing an issue, the harder she would fight, the more relentlessly she would spin and distract me and the worse she would berate me with terrible accusations. My head would throb with frustration. I would become so confused and infuriated that it felt like an out-of-body experience.

The diseased mind of an addict will not stay on task

When you find yourself locked into this type of dispute, you may find yourself listening to a spewing of lies describing what a terrible person/parent/child you have been – from someone who is often being asked fair questions about things they are truly guilty of. It all seems backwards, upside down and, in all honesty, can be very crazy-making! These are tactics used to distract, absolve themselves of guilt, and to avoid accountability. Addicts are great at manipulating, distracting and justifying; that is how they get by, meanwhile avoiding telling themselves the truth.

It’s like trying to argue with a hurricane

Whatever it takes, my Mom will fight her way out of taking any responsibility for herself. At this point she is so deep into her addiction and illness that she will go to any length to avoid admitting that a single decision she has made is her own. And in a way my Mom is right, the disease of addiction is now calling the shots.

Addicts who are deep into the disease will lie and confuse in layers but there is one central truth rooted deep within it all: that truth is that they are addicted. That is the problem within every problem. Those afflicted with addiction have to lie. They have to justify. They have to blame. It’s how (they believe) they’re hiding it. To begin talking in truths, to start taking responsibility for their decisions would begin an unraveling of the layers that cover up the deception. They can’t do it. They won’t, they’re not ready. The disease still has hold. For those of us who are affected, it’s like trying to argue with a hurricane.

If I’ve learned anything it is this: never argue with a person
in active addiction. Arguments are their comfortable playing field. You’ll get
lured in with the hope of resolution yet quickly find yourself confused,
accused, devoured and enraged beyond your norm.

Instead of trying to get a storm to negotiate, I know now to take cover

I take care of myself and trust in my Higher Power to calm the storm. I don’t have to go through it anymore. There is no reasoning with a hurricane. My boundaries remain firm and final. Life has to be handled totally different when addiction is present.

If you are related to, living with or dealing in any way with someone you know or suspect is active in addiction, the crucial thing is to take care of yourself. Addiction causes havoc and destruction in any setting. Trying to argue, prove, manage or reason with addiction is like shouting at a raging tidal wave — there is no possible way to maneuver it. The wise thing to do is take cover, find calm and peace for yourself and keep your boundaries firm. You can deal with the damage once it’s passed over, if you so choose. What a relief!

Since 2003, Allies in Recovery has addressed substance abuse in families by providing a method for the family to change the conversation about addiction. We use Community Reinforcement & Family Training (CRAFT), a proven approach that helps the family unblock and advance the relationship towards sobriety and recovery and to engage a loved one into treatment. Learn about member benefits by following this link.

Loading

Related Articles

Live Like the Moon: Why Gentle Influence Works

When your loved one is abusing alcohol or drugs, engaging in dangerous activities, or making life decisions you dislike, the natural impulse is to try and change your loved one’s behavior…. But as Allies in Recovery’s online program teaches, you cannot change other people. You can only change yourself.

You Are a Reward

You might be grumbling. You might be accusing, guilting or complaining. Or trying desperately to prevent them from going out. You might be brooding in a cold silence. This might be hard to believe, but your presence and your conversation, however negative, are something your loved one counts on, and expects from you.

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

Help! We Need a New Approach

She’s fed up with her son’s patterns of non-communication. Whenever his use is addressed, he withdraws and shuts off communication. When he does reach out, it always seems to be on his terms. How do you take the wheel when it feels like your loved one is used to calling all the shots?