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My Mom is an Expert at Arguing (part 2)

annieunhooked February 8, 2017
AiR, Allies in Recovery, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, recovery, alcohol, opiates, relationships, fight, denial, Annie Highwater, Unhooked: a Mother's story of unhitching from the Rollercoaster of her son's addiction, fight, fighting, fights, fought, mom, mother
AiR, Allies in Recovery, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, recovery, alcohol, opiates, relationships, fight, denial, Annie Highwater, Unhooked: a Mother's story of unhitching from the Rollercoaster of her son's addiction, fight, fighting, fights, fought, mom, mother

Illustration © tpsdave via Pixabay

My knock-down fights with my Mom

Through the years my afflicted Mom and I have had knock-down, drag out fights of epic proportion over her unwillingness to admit truth. It’s happened more times than I would like to admit. It always started the same: a shocking situation would come to my attention. My first attempt to address it would always be calm as I carefully confronted her. Because I am stubbornly optimistic, I always believed that this time the outcome would be healthy. I would painstakingly plan how to approach her just in case I actually was the trigger for her lies and denial, which she usually blamed on me as well. If my Mom lied, it was because I forced her to (denial and blame-shifting very often work as a team).

I would tread lightly to give her every opportunity to be honest, promising I was on her side and not coming at her in anger even though most things I confronted her about were clearly wrong and often outrageously unsafe. The issue at hand, whether it was interfering with my son, keeping dangerous secrets that as a parent I needed to know, her nonstop lying or unlawful use of narcotic prescription pain medication, was immediately lied about. Denial. It is her knee-jerk, first instinct response.

My Mom will lie right to your face, with a Bible on her lap

The madness of it just about cost me my mind and many times cost me my temper. But, well before I would lose my temper, I first tried to present the evidence with reasoning and fact. To which she’d escalate the denial and even add some heat to it by talking faster and sidestepping the issue with reasons her life has been hard. She would even tell me her life has been too hard for this conversation.

As insane as it was, this part could last over an hour. I would allow her to spin me all over the place with distracting complaints and excuses. When I would finally pin her down with too much truth to deny she would quickly flip her script and get mean, accusing me of things that were not only completely untrue, they were always vicious. It was just a nasty spewing of vitriol (I was just as guilty myself, as I would then respond the same way).

Vitriol can be described as a solution-less rant of hate-filled criticism. A brand of sulfuric acid was named Vitriol, reason being that the acid was strong enough to burn through anything, including steel and rock.

Another permanent boundary I now have: I will not remain in the presence of vitriol.

My Mom, like any desperately ill, addicted person, is very hard to pin down on any one point. She spins left and veers right like a seasoned quarterback. This would cause me to chase down one distracting thing after another. The closer I got to exposing an issue, the harder she would fight, the more relentlessly she would spin and distract me and the worse she would berate me with terrible accusations. My head would throb with frustration. I would become so confused and infuriated that it felt like an out-of-body experience.

The diseased mind of an addict will not stay on task

When you find yourself locked into this type of dispute, you may find yourself listening to a spewing of lies describing what a terrible person/parent/child you have been – from someone who is often being asked fair questions about things they are truly guilty of. It all seems backwards, upside down and, in all honesty, can be very crazy-making! These are tactics used to distract, absolve themselves of guilt, and to avoid accountability. Addicts are great at manipulating, distracting and justifying; that is how they get by, meanwhile avoiding telling themselves the truth.

It’s like trying to argue with a hurricane

Whatever it takes, my Mom will fight her way out of taking any responsibility for herself. At this point she is so deep into her addiction and illness that she will go to any length to avoid admitting that a single decision she has made is her own. And in a way my Mom is right, the disease of addiction is now calling the shots.

Addicts who are deep into the disease will lie and confuse in layers but there is one central truth rooted deep within it all: that truth is that they are addicted. That is the problem within every problem. Those afflicted with addiction have to lie. They have to justify. They have to blame. It’s how (they believe) they’re hiding it. To begin talking in truths, to start taking responsibility for their decisions would begin an unraveling of the layers that cover up the deception. They can’t do it. They won’t, they’re not ready. The disease still has hold. For those of us who are affected, it’s like trying to argue with a hurricane.

If I’ve learned anything it is this: never argue with a person
in active addiction. Arguments are their comfortable playing field. You’ll get
lured in with the hope of resolution yet quickly find yourself confused,
accused, devoured and enraged beyond your norm.

Instead of trying to get a storm to negotiate, I know now to take cover

I take care of myself and trust in my Higher Power to calm the storm. I don’t have to go through it anymore. There is no reasoning with a hurricane. My boundaries remain firm and final. Life has to be handled totally different when addiction is present.

If you are related to, living with or dealing in any way with someone you know or suspect is active in addiction, the crucial thing is to take care of yourself. Addiction causes havoc and destruction in any setting. Trying to argue, prove, manage or reason with addiction is like shouting at a raging tidal wave — there is no possible way to maneuver it. The wise thing to do is take cover, find calm and peace for yourself and keep your boundaries firm. You can deal with the damage once it’s passed over, if you so choose. What a relief!

Since 2003, Allies in Recovery has addressed substance abuse in families by providing a method for the family to change the conversation about addiction. We use Community Reinforcement & Family Training (CRAFT), a proven approach that helps the family unblock and advance the relationship towards sobriety and recovery and to engage a loved one into treatment. Learn about member benefits by following this link.

Categories: Communication, Self-Care for the Family Member
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annieunhooked
I am the daughter as well as the mother of someone who has had struggles with narcotic pain medication following injuries. My son is five years in recovery, my mother is still prescribed these medications and abuses them. Her health, mindset and awareness are failing as a result. Substance abuse has been a part of my life ALL my life. I know the deep despair, confusion, frustration, and terror it causes a family. I also know that with proper care, kind, healthy support, information and effort we CAN recover and rise.

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David Sheff

An Extract from David Sheff’s ‘Beautiful Boy’

David Sheff’s story about his son’s addiction and recovery has led him to several realizations about himself as a parent his own need to recover from the experience. He found that his constant suffering and struggle through near crises with his son was easier to deal with than focusing on himself. Today, their relationship has evolved into one of independence, acceptance, compassion and always love.

an-air-member February 6, 2018
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

Allies in Recovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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