Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

Can You Practice Letting Go of Shame?

Allies in Recovery, addiction, addiction recovery, dominique simon-levine, dsl, drugs, opioids, heroine, shame, toxic, emotion

Shame is a very natural emotion that we all have to contend with from time to time. But it can also be very dangerous if left by itself to grow unchecked, leading to low self esteem and risky behaviors.

This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To sign up for our special offer and benefit from the Allies in Recovery eLearning program, click here.

Allies in Recovery, addiction, addiction recovery, dominique simon-levine, dsl, drugs, opioids, heroine, shame, toxic, emotion

Illustration: Eleanor Davis

Shame: a Natural Human Emotion, but Toxic in Large Amounts

Shame is a human emotion, meaning we all experience it. It has even been suggested that it is the most primitive of all emotions, dating back to our origins as humans. Shame, however, is toxic in large amounts, and many of us find ourselves stuck in that leaky boat. Understanding how shame works is the first step in preparing to conquer it.

Shame researcher Brené Brown, Ph.D & LMSW, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.” As opposed to guilt, which she summarizes as “I did something bad,” shame can be summarized as “I am bad.”

In her popular talk on TED, Listening to Shame, Brown explains that there is a high correlation between feelings of shame and addiction, depression, violence, suicide, eating disorders, etc.

The vicious cycle of shame

When you step back, it seems obvious how shame can become part of a vicious cycle: feelings of shame, or low self-worth, can be so painful that we seek out behaviors to dull that pain. Those behaviors however, are quite often a type of escape (drugs, alcohol, and other high-risk activities), and abuse or addiction often follow suit. Addictive behaviors create a whole new flood of shameful feelings, which sets us back off in search of something to dull the pain. And the wheel spins on and on.

When addiction is present, shame is a force that shows up all over. The addicted loved one, as described above, may very well be caught in a cycle of shame related to their addiction and the lows they have known. But you, the family, may also be experiencing your own brand of shame.

You might feel shame when you see your loved one’s behavior observed or judged by others. Or, you might feel shame around the kind of parent you feel you have been. You might feel shame about your own loss of control or negative attitude in response to your loved one. Indeed, the possibilities are endless. And shame won’t go away on its own, but rather will fester and deepen if left alone in the dark.

In fact, Dr. Brown says in no uncertain terms, “the less you talk about it, the more you’ve got it!” She enumerates the three things that shame needs to thrive: Secrecy, Silence and Judgement. She goes on to add, “shame depends on me buying the belief that I’m alone.”

And how to break this cycle

After years of studying this human – but lethal – emotion, Dr. Brown has boiled down the top three things that we can do to “break the shame spiral”:

1)  Talk to yourself like you’d talk to someone you love   (empathy for yourself)

2)  Reach out to someone you trust   (allow room for vulnerability, connection)

3)  Tell your story   (break the silence)

She explains that more than anything else, the antidote to shame is Empathy: “shame cannot survive being spoken, and it cannot survive empathy.”

If we take steps to follow Brown’s recommendations for obliterating shame, we are taking action on several levels simultaneously:

  • working to feel better about ourselves, to lighten our load;
  • becoming more attuned to the shame spiral our loved one might be stuck in; and
  • becoming a more solid and positive support for our loved one.

No matter what, keep in the forefront of your mind that you are not alone.

Join our Member Site today to take full advantage of Allies in Recovery’s program, including 8 video modules, three blogs, and dialogue with experts in the fields of treatment and recovery. Learn more here.

Loading

Related Posts from "Self-Care for the Family Member"

How Laurie and Kayla Became Part of AIR

Learn about Allies in Recovery’s (AIR) groups – the CRAFT Educational groups facilitated by Laurie and the CRAFT Support group facilitated by Kayla – and how they became part of AIR. CRAFT isn’t easy, and you can’t do it alone. These groups provide essential information, feedback and support.  You are not alone during this painful, overwhelming process.

How Laurie and Kayla Became Part of AIR

Learn about Allies in Recovery’s (AIR) groups – the CRAFT Educational groups facilitated by Laurie and the CRAFT Support group facilitated by Kayla – and how they became part of AIR. CRAFT isn’t easy, and you can’t do it alone. These groups provide essential information, feedback and support.  You are not alone during this painful, overwhelming process.

What About Family Members’ Trauma?

It can be easy, particularly when those outside a situation offer advice, to overlook the history of trauma that may exist for a family member. CRAFT takes the idea of healing out of a therapy model, to a community-based model. It’s a long-term process of learning new tools and ways to interact. It begins with family members understanding themselves, their patterns and reactivity, so they’re equipped for long-term work of healing — with the support of Allies in Recovery all along the way.

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

Embracing the Uncomfortable: A Life Hack from Annie

Learn how facing uncomfortable and challenging situations can lead to personal growth and improve relationships in Annie Highwater’s blog post. Discover the importance of regularly challenging oneself, even in small ways, to develop discipline and determination. From showering in cold water to apologizing to someone you’ve wronged, find out how embracing discomfort can build inner strength and grit. Start your journey towards personal growth and confidence today.

Watching Families Progress

Our hosts discuss their joy in witnessing the progress of families in their groups. If you’re helping your loved one, start with yourself and your own healing. Healing is, Kayla says, not best done alone. And with Allies in Recovery, you don’t have to do it alone. You get to be part of a group of people doing the work, and get support not just for concepts, but for implementing the powerful tools of CRAFT. This is the work that can help your loved one.

Collaboration Vs. Ultimatum

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.

Handling Confrontation the CRAFT Way

How do you shift from conflict to a more open conversation with your loved one whose struggling with addiction? Using CRAFT, you can improve the relationship by engaging in a way that is both effective and supportive. You become part of the treatment process instead of something else your loved one is battling.

Her Partner is Not Improving from Substance Use Disorder. Is There an Underlying Mental Health Condition?

One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members as been artfully following the CRAFT principles and yet her loved one is not showing signs of improvement. Engaging in extreme behavior, barely ever sleeping, misusing his ADHD medication, lying, and now, stealing… Is it all on the addiction or could her partner suffer from an underlying, undiagnosed and untreated mental health condition?

Shall We Dance?

CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn’t a traditional dance – it’s a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn’t, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It’s a process.

What About Family Members’ Trauma?

It can be easy, particularly when those outside a situation offer advice, to overlook the history of trauma that may exist for a family member. CRAFT takes the idea of healing out of a therapy model, to a community-based model. It’s a long-term process of learning new tools and ways to interact. It begins with family members understanding themselves, their patterns and reactivity, so they’re equipped for long-term work of healing — with the support of Allies in Recovery all along the way.

How Do You Stop Catastrophizing?

If you find yourself swept away in the undertow of negative thinking about what might happen and how you might prevent it, the number-one tool to use is stepping back, noticing that you’re doing it. Number two is deciding to shift it, starting with “no negative talk.” And third is hitting the metaphorical “reset” button, finding something to soothe yourself. At first, it may not go well, but over time, you can get good at it.

Watching Families Progress

Our hosts discuss their joy in witnessing the progress of families in their groups. If you’re helping your loved one, start with yourself and your own healing. Healing is, Kayla says, not best done alone. And with Allies in Recovery, you don’t have to do it alone. You get to be part of a group of people doing the work, and get support not just for concepts, but for implementing the powerful tools of CRAFT. This is the work that can help your loved one.

Collaboration Vs. Ultimatum

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.

His Early Recovery Is Triggering Me

Her loved one has been abstinent from substance use for weeks. With steady recovery inputs, including a medication, he is doing better. However, he recently adopted a deeply confrontational stance and has shifted to some alternative addictive behaviors. Our AlliesinRecovery.net member, feeling hurt and lost, wonders how to address these new challenges. Laurie MacDougall uses some examples from her son’s recovery journey to help paint a picture of more successful interactions that can let some of the tension out of the situation. Read this blog post for some CRAFT-informed ways to handle triggers, boundaries, and power struggles.