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Just Out of Rehab and Drinking

Dominique Simon February 22, 2018
Spiral of Recovery - inspired by Stephanie Covington

How should this Allies in Recovery member respond to her husband? He just came out of a two week residential program for depression and substance abuse and his wife suspects he’s been drinking. She went to look in his truck and found an empty bottle. Though he denies drinking, she suspects otherwise…

This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To sign up for our special offer and begin the Allies in Recovery eLearning program for families, click here.

 

Dominique Simon-Levine explains that recovery is a process; relapse is frequently a part of that process

It’s really hard to put 30 days of abstinence together. It may not be any easier to get 60 days. The world is starkly different without alcohol or drugs on board. The urge can be deafening, even when one is getting a daily message of sobriety from a treatment program.

There are different kinds of relapse. There are relapses (some would call them lapses) that are short. The person scares themselves after one or several episodes of use and then climbs quickly back onto the beam of early recovery. There are also relapses where the episode of use (re)opens the floodgates to further use and the desire for sobriety ends for the time being.

In the graphic below, the recovery process is represented as elliptical. With each successive effort at recovery, the relapse hopefully gets less frequent and is shorter in duration.

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Recovery is a process. It’s not an ON-OFF switch.

Learning Module 6, available to our members on AlliesinRecovery.net, talks about what to do when you see use. You saw use. You suspected it and you were right. The fact that your husband used is by no means the end of things. He is on a path to recovery, and therefore can no longer claim to be naïve about his addiction or naïve about the way out. The programs he is attending are educating him and providing him skills for recovery.

It’s a bumpy process. You probably felt quite a relief to see your husband get the help he so desperately needed and were shocked to find him slipping.

You know him best and your suspicions were correct. Learning Module 6 says step away, be cool and calm as best you can be. Disengage yourself perhaps by saying something like:

“Something doesn’t feel right, I’m going to skip making dinner and go to bed early and read. Perhaps we talk in the morning.”

Start by removing rewards

You don’t ask him about his drinking, so just go with what your gut is telling you. This way you avoid conflict, and you avoid putting him in the position of having to defend or deny his use – which gets both of you nowhere.

The natural consequence of his drinking may be little to none, but you created one by neutrally freezing him out. He is now alone for the rest of the evening, unsure of what is up with you. There isn’t the usual fight that occurs when he drinks. You’re leading him onto new territory and setting the stage for a different kind of communication around his using.

You’ve taken away any rewards of the evening: your company, your warmth, dinner, hanging out on the couch watching your favorite show…

It all sounds little, and it is. No explosion, no ultimatum. He drank, and as a result you withdrew. He can think about it.

Knowing what to expect and moving forward

Drinking after treatment is not uncommon, so don’t let it destroy you. You, too, need to get back on the beam and be strategic about how you react and perceive what has happened.

I am thrilled to hear your husband went to treatment and continues an intensive outpatient program. It takes time and he is in the right place. I am rooting for your husband and for you.

Yes, the family DOES have a role to play and your stance, behavior, and choices DO make a difference. Science has confirmed this. The Allies in Recovery program is based on this understanding. “Tough love” is not a successful technique. Our learning platform is set up to help family members learn the techniques that will reduce conflict, build that bridge of communication, and be effective in guiding your loved one into treatment. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn more here.

Categories: Asking a loved one to leave your home, CRAFT, Natural Consequences, Recovery
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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (AA World Services, Inc.) Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. This is an informational website for anyone interested in learning more about their organization, 12-step program of recovery, and how to find local meetings. PHONE: 212.870.3400 Click here for Online AA Meetings What is AA? What to Expect in an AA Meeting  What is Anonymity in AA?  AA INTERGROUP ONLINE MEETING FINDER IN THE ROOMS In The Rooms offers over 150+ weekly live online meetings, a variety 12-Step and Non-12- Step Fellowships, and Specialty meetings. Some of our most popular meetings are AA, NA, ACA, Al-Anon, and Nar-Anon meetings, and much more. In The Rooms has 69 live online AA meetings weekly, so there’s bound to be one that fits your schedule! We have specialty AA meetings too, like AA Pride (LGBTQ). We also have an Agnostic AA meeting, if you’re seeking a meeting without a secular approach to recovery. We have 30 NA meetings on ITR weekly. Like AA, there’s also an NA Pride meeting (LGBTQ) and an Agnostic NA meeting. For support for the family, friends, and allies of those in recovery, In The Rooms has both Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings, which each meeting, 1-3 times a week. We also have many other 12-step fellowship groups, like Gamblers Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Sex Addicts Anonymous, CODA, Dual Diagnosis, and much more. If you can think of a Recovery fellowship, we probably have it.  FULL LISTING of LIVE VIRTUAL/ONLINE MEETINGS  12Step.Org We strive to provide information, tools, and resources for working a 12 Step program (or any program using 12 step principles for recovery) in as simple and effective way as possible. Online Meeting Calendar Online Video Meetings Phone Meetings Forums, Text Chats, and Email Meetings List RECOVERY DHARMA Recovery Dharma is a peer-led movement and community that is unified by our trust in the potential of each of us to recover and find freedom from the suffering of addiction. We believe that the traditional Buddhist teachings, often referred to as…

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Allies in Recovery, AiR, Dominique Simon-Levine, dsl, addiction, addiction recovery, drugs, withdrawal, relapse, benzos, benzodiazepines, job loss, CRAFT, loved one, natural consequences, emotion, shame

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drawing-family

At Allies, We Believe…

For some individuals, medication can be an important complementary aid in recovery. At Allies in Recovery, we have no wish to stigmatize a treatment plan that includes medication. But here’s what we believe is of equal importance for helping a Loved One who struggles with addiction…

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Our Strategy Is No Longer Working

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How Exactly Does This Website Help Families?

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