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Home or Recovery House? It’s Not an Easy Call

Dominique Simon July 18, 2022

An Allies in Recovery member is fortunate to have a loved one she feels perfectly safe with, but the stress of living with him post-rehab still feels overwhelming. What’s the best housing choice for their situation? Both living at home and living in a recovery house come with their own unique challenges. Either way, the best chance for success is to be as informed as possible.

This question originally appeared on the Alliesinrecovery.net member site: 

“My partner is home from one month in rehab, and I would like help figuring out how to either convince him to go to sober living or maybe to go away for the sake of my own mental health. I am definitely safe with him (he’s incredibly kind and gentle) but I am very stressed and uncomfortable that he is not doing what the professionals recommend (continuing his recovery in sober living) because he almost died from very long-term alcoholism. I’ve taken time off work next week to figure out what to do, and I’m very interested to know all recommended resources, and how to best use this time.”

Before we talk about next steps, is your partner participating in any recovery activities? Is he using outside help to stay abstinent? Is he attending self-help meetings, or seeing a therapist or a recovery coach? Is he exercising or doing anything that can help settle his mind? Has your partner looked at psychiatric medication that can discourage drinking, such as Suboxone (or Vivitrol, a monthly shot that can help precent relapses into alcohol or drug use)?

Recovery housing is indeed critical if your partner has nowhere safe to stay. And by “safe,” we mean both safe from physical harm and a safe recovery environment.

Time to learn about recovery housing

Recovery houses are safe, inexpensive places to live with others who are at a similar juncture as your loved one. The most common requirement for admission to a recovery house is 30 days of abstinence  (which, by the way, is a major barrier for those who are not safely housed). For reference, here is a primer on recovery residences from the National Association of Recovery Residences.

The quality of recovery houses varies greatly and is time specific. If you can, always visit the house first. You’ll want to look for a clear management organization in the house, and, if self-run, rotation schedules for tasks posted. Is the home clean? Where are the residents in the middle of the day when the house is empty? Membership to our site, Alliesinrecovery.net, offers unlimited access to a variety of member discussion blogs, a treatment resource blog, and more on the topic of recovery housing. 

You have some big decisions ahead 

If your main source of stress about your partner is that he’s at home rather than in a recovery house, I think you can let that worry go. A recovery house would ask of him the same as you can – to sample from the many services and programs listed above. He would be asked to choose from what’s available in the community and to make this a practice of recovery he adheres to every week.

So, if your home can be that safe recovery environment and you’re willing to create it, then living a recovery lifestyle from home is fine. Those who argue against long-term inpatient treatment or recovery houses argue that the person still must come back to the community eventually and plug into a new configuration of services, with new practitioners, new meetings, and new connections.

The call is yours to make. The first step is for you to size up what you can do, and what you need to have to stay calm and in your corner. If having him home disturbs your peace too much, if you find yourself eagle-eying him or over-focusing on his recovery, you may want to wait a while before he comes home. Let the trust first start to rebuild over some time.

The forgotten family

When the family member is included in the equation, we see the gap that exists in aftercare planning. CRAFT, however, reminds us to consider the social unit, the family, into which the loved one is returning. If you keep CRAFT principles in mind – including self-care – you’ll have a more holistic view of who and what is needed to maintain your loved one’s recovery.

Dominique Simon-Levine

 

With a membership to Allies in Recovery, you will have access to this article – and hundreds of others – in full. Allies in Recovery members have access to all of our blog posts including the ability to search a variety of topics such as those mentioned in this blog post. (e.g., Recovery Houses, Aftercare, Family Members Doing CRAFT, Home/Homelessness, Suboxone, etc.,)

If you’re an Allies member, check out the member site for our “10-day Challenge” to claim your reward of a FREE One-Day CRAFT Workshop – just for finishing half the modules!

If you’re not yet a member of Allies in Recovery but want to join us TODAY to get trained on how to reduce the chaos of addiction in your family and in your life, click here.

A membership at AlliesinRecovery.net brings you into contact with experts in CRAFT – the proven, most successful method for getting your loved one into recovery. Our unique, award-winning learning platform teaches you CRAFT, so you can play an important role your loved one’s recovery journey.

With Allies, you’ll get information critical to understanding your loved one’s alcohol/drug addiction; you’ll learn the strategies and skills you need to engage your loved one onto the path to recovery; and you’ll get guidance on how to identify and cope with the flood of emotions you are feeling – because when you are coping better, you can better help your loved one.

Categories: Aftercare, CRAFT, Self-Care for the Family Member
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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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David Sheff’s story about his son’s addiction and recovery has led him to several realizations about himself as a parent his own need to recover from the experience. He found that his constant suffering and struggle through near crises with his son was easier to deal with than focusing on himself. Today, their relationship has evolved into one of independence, acceptance, compassion and always love.

an-air-member February 6, 2018
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, divided house, family relations, manipulation, manipulate, support groups, struggle, advice, Family reaction, friends' reaction

Podcast: “Handling All of the Parallel Struggles”

Annie and Laurie open up about the parallel issues that can arise during the worst of times. With their sons’ addiction raging, they also had to deal with what was going on on other fronts: chaos, crises, judgement, family discord. They learned how to respond to other’s remarks, and not react to them, how to stay united and not sink.

AlliesInRecovery July 5, 2017
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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