His Early Recovery is Triggering MeĀ
Our memberās loved one has been abstinent from alcohol for several weeks. With Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) and steady recovery inputs, he is doing better. However, he recently adopted a deeply confrontational stance, which leaves our member feeling hurt and lost, and wondering how to address these new challenges.Ā
This question originally appeared onāÆthe AlliesāÆin RecoveryāÆMember Discussion Blog, where expertsāÆrespond to membersāāÆreal-lifeāÆquestions and concerns.
āDear CRAFT helpers, for several weeks my loved one does not drink and benefits a lot from the Campral (Acamprosate) he says. It makes it a lot less hard to stay sober. So thatās very positive. We see each other every weekend and more often. He goes to therapy and is on a waiting list for a much more intensive therapy in about 6 months. So, he takes it seriously not to use. I do my best to live a healthy and happy life to reward both him and myself in our relationship.Ā
There are some things that I find difficult in this moment. The first one: he does not have much patience with me when doing something wrong (clumsy) in his eyes. He will raise his voice and sound bossy and resentful, a narcissist trait. I donāt know how to react, it triggers my immediate hurt and angry response. It makes me very unhappy and surprises me every time he does this and Iām afraid he will not change.Ā
I often disengage and go for a walk, but often I donāt feel like taking a walk and feel like a fool to be outside when I would rather be in the house but send myself away.āĀ
Wow! I have to say you and your partner really have some positives to report. It sounds like he is dedicated to his recovery; seeing a therapist, waitlisted for more intensive therapy and taking his prescribed medicine. Taking care of yourself is also incredibly positive, given how difficult it is when you’re in the midst of chaos.āÆĀ
Your partner is early in his recovery and the behavior you describe in your post is something I hear over and over again from so many families whoāÆI work with. I can also share that my sonāÆexhibited much of the same behavior. Being confrontational, irritable, and short tempered for a while (and not a short while either), cameāÆwith protecting his territory. Unfortunately, we are not usually prepared for this type of behavior and often get thrown off guard.āÆĀ
Something positive that you shared with us is yourāÆrecognition of your own feelings of hurt and angerāÆand of your beingāÆtriggered into a response. As soon as you have these feelings, would you be able to give yourself a moment to relax? Maybe take a deep breath and start to have an internal conversation? This small but critical step can help you move forward in this process. Even if you snap at first, you can always back it up and start again.āÆĀ
You talk about disengaging and going for a walk. I suspect that maybe you find communication with him difficult and are unable to sufficiently express how you are feeling. Do you feel as if you are relinquishing power when you are the one to leave and not him? Could this be a āpower struggle?āĀ
How to end a power struggleāÆĀ
It may be turning into a power struggle that neither party is aware of. One of the best ways to end a power struggle is to not give it any power.āÆĀ
HereāÆareāÆsome action items that might let some steam out of the situation:
- modeling how to calm down in a tense moment,āÆĀ
- labeling how you feel,āÆĀ
- alleviating any feelings of abandonment with a promise to return, andāÆĀ
- addressing the subject later might let some steam out of things.āÆĀ
Ā It might sound something like this:āÆĀ
āI see that what just happened upset you. This situation is tense, and I need to calm myself down. I am going for a walk and would like to address this when I come back.āāÆĀ
āÆOr,āÆĀ
āI know I struggle withāÆ(insert whatever he finds your fault),āÆI can see that this angers you. I am going to go to the other room and meditate for a moment, thatās how I calm myself. Could we address this in a few minutes?āāÆĀ
He may be surprised at first and not react the way you would expect. But anticipating his response without, as a good friend once said to me, ābeing married to it,ā can help prepare you even further into the conversation. Maybe he wonāt want to address it later and will just want to drop it; then it becomes something like this:āÆĀ
āI hear you; I just need some time to take a break and take care of me.āāÆĀ
Boundaries are laid down not to define the other personās behavior, only our own.
Remember, you leaving the situation = setting down a boundary. It is NOT youāÆrelinquishingāÆpower. Itās setting up your limits and letting him know that youāre not going to accept his negative behavior. You are not trying to change him, but youāre also not there to be his target. Youāll return when things are better.āÆĀ
You will become empowered by not letting him trigger you emotionally. Even if he is explosive and irritable, you are in control (or at least you’re able to calm down and manage your emotions). You are teaching him how to treat you.āÆĀ
And remember, self-care IS part of CRAFTĀ
You might also benefit from going back over our self-care suggestions in our Training Module #7 āHow Do I Care for Myself When Negative Feelings Get in the Way?āĀ Ā Ā
Here at Allies we like to emphasize that taking care of yourself IS an integral part of the process of CRAFT ā if you arenāt doing well, you canāt effectively help your loved one on their recovery journey.Ā
I hope this helps. Know that almost all families experience something similar when their Loved One is in early recovery. You are not alone. Please keep us updated. Wishing the best for you and your Loved One!
Allies in RecoveryāÆprovides support and guidance on how to identify and cope with the flood of emotions you are feeling. The CRAFT method teachesāÆyou the strategies and skills to engage your loved one on a path to recovery. At Allies we provide you with information critical to understanding yourāÆlovedāÆoneāsāÆalcohol/drug addiction, and train you ināÆthe important role you can play in guiding them to recovery.āÆĀ
A membership at Allies in Recovery.netāÆbrings you into contact with experts in CRAFT and the field of recovery and treatment for substance use. Our unique, award-winning learning platform introduces you to CRAFT and guides you through the latest in evidence-based techniques for unblocking the situation. Together we will move yourāÆlovedāÆone towards recovery.āÆĀ
āÆTo sign up to become a member of Allies in Recovery.netāÆeLearning program, click here.āÆĀ