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He Wants His Car Back. What Should We Do?

Dominique Simon April 20, 2018
One of our members writes in to give an update on her son, 2 months’ sober. She wonders whether it’s appropriate to help him get his car back on the road. The vehicle is a huge trigger for him…it’s where he used, scored, slept and did so many illegal things to get drugs. He seems genuinely sorry for causing his parents so much worry and stress. But they confess to being tired and unsure of the right thing to do for him during this early sobriety stage.

This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. Take advantage of our current special offer today and get full access to Allies in Recovery’s eLearning program. Details here.

 

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Dominique Simon-Levine helps this mother understand that they are on the right track

It’s so hard to stay with it, whether you are the family or the person with the addiction. This seems trite but is so very true: you can’t do it alone. People ask for rides all the time at meetings, and no one is shamed for asking; it’s a way for an AA person to be of service. So this jumped out at me as being a stretch in the argument for the car.

You have been so strong in your efforts. Your son is in a sober house and is approaching two months sober. The issue is the car, which is wrapped up in outstanding warrants and needed repairs. The context is what appears to be his waning energy for sobriety. You’ve seen it before and are scared.

Without a job your son can’t get and keep a car on the road. With outstanding warrants, he is in danger of being arrested if pulled over.

It seems that these two things must be addressed before returning the car to him. So often a person gets sober at the time everything is caving in around them. One can mistake sobriety for life falling apart.

 

It’s confusing for the family …

Do you reward the loved one for being sober by meeting their request or on the contrary, let them struggle with the consequences of their use.

Perhaps you step in a little by providing Ubers for the job search and also address the outstanding warrants: reward his current efforts with help getting the car on the road.

One thing—if you haven’t cleaned out the car of drug paraphernalia, leave it. It can be shocking to see what a mess you’ve been living in.

 

Now is the time to replenish your batteries

You and your other family members need more ways to replenish your batteries. When you are worn out, the feelings of fear and worry can become unstoppable. For today, your son is doing what he is supposed to be doing and he is now safe. No one has more than that.

Reaching out on this site is a good start. Is there a support group in your area? I know you are an old hand at this so go back to basics, the modules on this site mention AA’s HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. What can you do today to calm the worry? Learning Module 7, available to our members (view an excerpt here) describes the tendency towards negative feelings. While much is good, our tendency as humans is to look for the exception, and to chew on it. This Module will help you deconstruct your worry and locate where you may be distorting your thoughts in a way that is further dragging you down. We just posted the African Children’s Choir on the Sanctuary, a place where you can get away, breathe, and take time for yourself. It will fill your heart with hope.

 

And find peace where you are

For anyone whose loved one is in treatment: you’ve discovered that this doesn’t totally eliminate the worry, which is a terrible surprise. Your experience still pulls you towards the negative outcomes. Predicting the future based on the past may seem natural or informed but no one actually can predict the future.

You are staying connected with your son and have fought to get him this far. You are doing what you can. The rest is not up to you. You are at the limit of your influence. The work in this place is to let go of the rest and to find peace where you are. A tall task, and one, yes, that involves more effort for you. Deep breath, look inward, find meaning and pleasure in your life apart from your son. We are learning from your struggle. Thank you for sharing.

Yes, the family DOES have a role to play. Your stance, behavior, and choices DO make a difference. At Allies in Recovery we are absolutely convinced of this. “Tough love” is not a successful technique. Our learning platform is set up to help family members learn the techniques that will reduce conflict, build that bridge of communication, and be effective in guiding your loved one into treatment. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn more here.

Categories: Communication, Recovery, Rewards, Self-Care for the Family Member
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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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David Sheff’s story about his son’s addiction and recovery has led him to several realizations about himself as a parent his own need to recover from the experience. He found that his constant suffering and struggle through near crises with his son was easier to deal with than focusing on himself. Today, their relationship has evolved into one of independence, acceptance, compassion and always love.

an-air-member February 6, 2018
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, divided house, family relations, manipulation, manipulate, support groups, struggle, advice, Family reaction, friends' reaction

Podcast: “Handling All of the Parallel Struggles”

Annie and Laurie open up about the parallel issues that can arise during the worst of times. With their sons’ addiction raging, they also had to deal with what was going on on other fronts: chaos, crises, judgement, family discord. They learned how to respond to other’s remarks, and not react to them, how to stay united and not sink.

AlliesInRecovery July 5, 2017
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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