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You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Shame - Blame

Replacing the word “judging” with “shaming” reveals the effects. In reality, there’s not much difference. Judging by definition means to come to a conclusion about, or to form an opinion about someone. To give a verdict on someone. Shaming by definition means to take someone down a peg or two, cut them down to size, make them feel ashamed. Isn’t that in a sense what judging will produce?

*This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, featuring guest authors like Annie Highwater, and where experts respond daily to members’ questions and concerns. To take advantage of our current special offer and get full access to the Allies in Recovery eLearning program for families, click here.

 

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I have come to see accountability as one thing, shaming as quite another. Unless one is in a court of law facing a prosecutor, before a judge or jury, ​one should not have to go to great lengths to defend oneself.  Even then, one does not deserve to be shamed. Accountable, given boundaries and consequences? Absolutely. Condemned and shamed? Absolutely not.

Coming from a culture of shame, one in which blame was quickly assigned for any negative incident, it would be easy for me to accept it as normal. The temptation was there to continue surrounding myself with blame and shame. Or to wait until I was pinned down and made to feel doomed and damned, and only then allow anger to surface.

I have addiction and religious dysfunction in my background and family; I also have enabling and codependency. All can surge from a place of shame or fear. Accusations, condemnation and guilt are ever present. Decisions made out of these dynamics are never good or healthy ones. Never wise or functional. And never do they promote peace, harmony or health.

 

Shame inevitably produces one thing: more shame

Shame begets shame. If I shame somebody for their behavior, chances are they will feel ashamed and turn it back on me as the cause. Or perhaps they’ll remind me that I should look into my own flawed life.

By the same token, when I am made to feel ashamed, it doesn’t promote anything good from me either. It doesn’t motivate or inspire, it makes me feel even more worthless, angry, withdrawn.

 

Shame begets shame begets shame

So what is the solution, when accountability is necessary, and behaviors do need to change or reroute? Well, not shame.

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

 

Nothing good comes from walking in shame

I don’t find my way to light, hope, peace or accomplishment. Rather, I find my way to downtrodden darkness, more mistakes, failures and worthlessness. I don’t need anyone to remind me of my deficiencies or failures, I have my own internal narrator, quick to remind me.

Speak hope, and encouragement: “You can do this and if you can’t, we’ll do it together because you matter!” will speak right to the fire in one’s soul. There is enough in life to shame us, I’d rather be counted with those whose actions are non-shaming—even if I believe there can sometimes be something useful in being judged. I’d rather stand in the shoes of kindness, compassion and encouragement. I believe that is what promotes progress. Shame produces more shame.

Peace, harmony and progress to you always,

Annie

Since 2003, Allies in Recovery has addressed substance abuse in families by providing a method for the family to change the conversation about addiction. We use Community Reinforcement & Family Training (CRAFT), a proven approach that helps the family unblock and advance the relationship towards sobriety and recovery and to engage a loved one into treatment. Learn about member benefits by following this link.

Categories: Self-Care for the Family Member
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annieunhooked
I am the daughter as well as the mother of someone who has had struggles with narcotic pain medication following injuries. My son is five years in recovery, my mother is still prescribed these medications and abuses them. Her health, mindset and awareness are failing as a result. Substance abuse has been a part of my life ALL my life. I know the deep despair, confusion, frustration, and terror it causes a family. I also know that with proper care, kind, healthy support, information and effort we CAN recover and rise.

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Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, divided house, family relations, manipulation, manipulate, support groups, struggle, advice, Family reaction, friends' reaction

Podcast: “Handling All of the Parallel Struggles”

Annie and Laurie open up about the parallel issues that can arise during the worst of times. With their sons’ addiction raging, they also had to deal with what was going on on other fronts: chaos, crises, judgement, family discord. They learned how to respond to other’s remarks, and not react to them, how to stay united and not sink.

AlliesInRecovery July 5, 2017
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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