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What I Did to Get Better (part 2): Small steps and boundaries

Laurie MacDougall March 10, 2017
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The Discussion Blog on our member site is a dynamic place of exchange. Members dialogue with experts and sometimes other members in the field of family intervention for addicted loved ones.

This has been so good to read. I have been dealing with my son, and no matter what has been tried, he just won’t stop his heroin use and other addictions. I have focused so much on him that I forget the other things around me that have been good. My older son and husband are both in recovery, one from drugs and the other alcohol. I guess I forget how much I appreciate that. I also have a daughter with whom I’ve never had a problem and she is wonderful. One just tends to focus on the problem and not the happy things in life.

I cry every day, but never in front of anyone. For at least 15 years, I have been dealing with addiction problems  and have seen everything. I have even had helicopters over my house and 5 State Police cars with sniffing dogs looking for my son.

I also get comments from family members saying that I have never done anything to try and help my sons. They don’t know what I have done because they have never been interested enough to ever ask me how I was or even see what I was doing. All I have ever heard from them is how it is all my fault.

I have focused so much on my children and the addiction, that I have forgotten how it is to live and have fun. The most joy I get out of life is going to work. For the last couple of months I have tried doing more things and enjoying myself. I would like to enjoy the rest of my life, but feel like I am in a vicious circle. I am going to try doing small things and start from the beginning again so that I can try and feel better each day.

Laurie MacDougall, Allies in Recovery member and blogger, responds to the following member comment

I know exactly how you feel. There was a time when I solely focused on my son too. I had to step back and take a look at what I was doing. Looking back, I was in a bad state and had to find a way out of it. I was no good to anyone, not me, not my son and no one else in my family. Not only was I neglecting everything in my life,  my responses and actions towards my son and other family members were completely irrational. I had to find a way to get back to a better spot and I realized that meant working on myself.  Maybe sharing some things I did might help you?

  • First thing I did was to get professional help.
  • Then I decided I would attend meetings, Al-anon was my first choice. 30 meetings in 30 days, I decided I would do what they expected my son to do in order to get better. I know others might not be able to make so many meetings but this was my personal commitment. In the meetings I found a group of people that knew exactly how I was feeling and did not judge me.
  • From there I started doing things for myself, getting my nails done, exercising, anything that I liked to do.

Learning to appreciate

Just these three steps helped lead me to other ways to improve my situation. I learned to appreciate everything in my life no matter how small. My eyes were open to things I had never noticed before. I have two beautiful daughters and an incredible husband. Also, I realized that I am one of the lucky ones; I still have my son and I am going to love him every day that I have him. This led to even more improvement.

  • I started attending Learn to Cope and helping other families.
  • And found the Allies In Recovery website.

These were two steps I found to be incredibly healing. At Learn to Cope meetings I facilitated and worked helping others deal with their situation. The Allies In Recovery website got me on the right path to better communication. I hesitate to say with my son because I use these communication techniques now with everyone I come in contact with. I learned to stop fighting, begging, and pleading. None of these things worked. It wasn’t until I found a quiet place within myself that I saw being quiet and listening worked a lot better.

 

A different approach to communicating

Now I have strategies and a plan in place when I am communicating with my son. I listen and repeat what he says to me so that he knows I heard him. When he is trying to work through a problem and telling me about it I limit my input to “yes”,  “no”, and “I don’t know”. If that doesn’t work and it’s getting heated then I just agree! I say things like, “Yes I agree with you, I’m sick and I’m crazy and I belong in a hospital. Right now that sounds pretty good to me!” I also use phrases like ”I don’t understand, help me to understand…”, and “Please tell me about it…”. 

Also, I request things of him instead of demand. I try to be genuine when I am communicating and not sarcastic. Mainly because it’s the truth, I really don’t understand and I want to help. When I do this he seems to calm down a bit and knows I’m listening.  I think he feels heard, which is something new for him. Looking back, I think I learned that I should treat him with respect and compassion, all things I learned in Al-anon. But it was Allies In Recovery that showed me how to implement this in my life (view an excerpt from Module 4 on communication techniques).

 

Establishing boundaries

Another gain for me in all of this is that I am better able to determine what is mine to solve and what is his. Boundaries have become really important to me. I use them to keep myself safe. I will not lie for him or make up excuses. My boundaries are in place to uphold my integrity and morals and values. I will not bend on my boundaries or my values but I will always stay respectful. He can be as loud and try to manipulate me as much as he wants but I will quietly not lose myself. If I did the disease would win.

And respecting his boundaries

I noticed that many times I expected him to be in charge of my happiness. If he was sober I would be happy, so I thought. Then I realized that my happiness is not his responsibility and I was overstepping boundaries expecting him to do something so I could feel better. Just as I wanted him to take control of his disease I needed to take control of my own baggage.

My expectations of him were contributing to the shame and embarrassment that comes along with this disease. This was the last thing I wanted. I learned to ask myself “Am I saying this to him because I want something from him, do I have an underlying motive for saying this?” … Then I try to determine whether it was a legitimate motive or just me trying to impose my own ideas onto him. I want him to respect my boundaries so, I may not like his ideas or choices but they are his not mine, and I need to respect him.

Dealing with others’ remarks

As far as others’ opinions on what I have or have not done, I really have learned to not engage in those conversations. I do say right out that no one has any idea of what research or action I’ve taken and if they would like to know my philosophies I will share with them. If they are interested I will bring them to the Allies In Recovery website and let them know that this is what guides my plan of action, not someone who’s not really involved. I have done this with people in my life (my daughters) and find that it is pretty effective. I let them know that what I choose to do is going to be founded on my experience and education alone but I would be happy to educate them on the topic if they would like.

It takes baby steps

Please understand that my healing did not come easily and did not come overnight. It has been an extremely difficult journey and I am still not great at it. It took really small baby steps and there are still many times when I just lose it and cry.  What is different now is I have a bunch of tools in my toolbox to utilize. Just like playing an instrument or a sport, I have to exercise my brain and practice. There have been many times in this journey that I have had to go back to square one and be reminded of how to find my serenity again (see Module 7 on Self-care). The more I practice though, the faster it comes back. I think you are on the right track to getting better and finding even just a small piece of healing. You deserve it. Remember, you are not alone.

Since 2003, Allies in Recovery has addressed substance abuse in families by providing a method for the family to change the conversation about addiction. We use Community Reinforcement & Family Training (CRAFT), a proven approach that helps the family unblock and advance the relationship towards sobriety and recovery and to engage a loved one into treatment. Learn about member benefits by following this link.

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Laurie MacDougall

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Working on my Own Recovery

She is facing some hard truths as she looks back on the past ten years of her husband’s addiction. He is finally sober, but he has yet to acknowledge what he put the family through. What should she expect at this point in her loved one’s recovery.

Dominique Simon July 15, 2019
Fishing Boat and Lighthouse

I Have no Patience Left

The courts failed to enforce treatment for her daughter, once out of jail. Now her daughter’s life is a real mess. Take a look at how Dominique Simon-Levine lays out an approach to help this family member stay on track.

Dominique Simon July 10, 2019
Pussy Willow

How do You Trust Again?

We often find ourselves wondering how to repair the bonds that are broken when trust has been violated. In this thoughtful exploration of the topic of trust, Annie Highwater shares her insights about the repair process. You won’t want to miss the gems of wisdom shares in this post!

annieunhooked March 11, 2019

Drug Addict Husband – She’s Hopeless and Exhausted

She has struggled through 12 years of her husband’s addiction, having single-handedly provided for their family for all of these years, and is now at a loss. All of the patience, love and compassion she used to have seem long gone, and resentment keeps mounting. CRAFT looks at where to best focus our energies when these feelings weigh us down.

Dominique Simon March 1, 2019
Woman Reading by Matisse

Her Boss Doesn’t Know What She is Dealing With

This mom received a harsh note about her work performance on the eve of her holiday break. Her loved one’s addiction has consumed so much of her energy and time that she hasn’t been able to devote as much attention to her work as she’s used to. Unable to share any of this with her boss, she feels anxiety and shame about his poorly timed message.

Dominique Simon January 24, 2019
Worry-woman with mug

Does Worrying Prove I Love You?

What’s the antidote to worry and where does it show up in your body? How is it connected to love? Can worry ever be helpful? When does worrying cross the line and become destructive, or self-destructive? What does Allies in Recovery have to offer when worrying about your loved one is taking over your thoughts?

isabel November 7, 2018
David Sheff

An Extract from David Sheff’s ‘Beautiful Boy’

David Sheff’s story about his son’s addiction and recovery has led him to several realizations about himself as a parent his own need to recover from the experience. He found that his constant suffering and struggle through near crises with his son was easier to deal with than focusing on himself. Today, their relationship has evolved into one of independence, acceptance, compassion and always love.

an-air-member February 6, 2018
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, divided house, family relations, manipulation, manipulate, support groups, struggle, advice, Family reaction, friends' reaction

Podcast: “Handling All of the Parallel Struggles”

Annie and Laurie open up about the parallel issues that can arise during the worst of times. With their sons’ addiction raging, they also had to deal with what was going on on other fronts: chaos, crises, judgement, family discord. They learned how to respond to other’s remarks, and not react to them, how to stay united and not sink.

AlliesInRecovery July 5, 2017
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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