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Understanding Your Reactions to an Addicted Family Member

Dominique Simon November 17, 2014

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Illustration © Eleanor Davis

How you react to your loved one when they are using drugs or alcohol is key to how you guide them towards getting help for their addiction.

Is there an upside for you when your loved one uses?

This question may surprise you, but without meaning to, you may be getting some benefits when they use. Perhaps it’s a sense of feeling needed, or the relief of not having to focus on your own problems.

For example, I once worked with a woman whose husband was just plain nicer to her when he drank beer. She knew the hard liquor and periodic cocaine use were problems, but she enjoyed her husband’s better mood and his added attention when he slowly got stoned on beer.

This isn’t about blaming yourself. You are not the cause of their using! But be aware of how your own feelings could weaken your motivation to take action, or create mixed messages about wanting them to stop using or get treatment.

Watch for reactions that just don’t work

It’s likely more easy for you to identify the downsides of your loved one’s drug or alcohol use. Their use leads to hurt feelings that may cause you to react in a way that pushes them away.

What’s really important in our approach at Allies in Recovery is the softening of the relationship so your loved one will come to you when they’re having a hard time. You want to be seen as a resource in their life, so they think of coming to you for help.

If your tone is judgmental, angry, disapproving or lecturing, this can shut down the conversation and push them away. What we want to do is the opposite – to build a bridge between you and your loved one. When they’re in pain, or want to make a change in their life and realize drugs or alcohol are a problem, they can easily cross back over that bridge and say that to you.

Your loved one is an adult and there’s nothing you can force them to do, but you can treat them in a way that draws them towards you instead of making them want to get away from you. This is different than tough love or Al-Anon, which would have you simply detach from your loved one.

Understanding your own emotional reactions – both positive and negative – will help you respond in the most effective ways that will help heal your family.

A membership at Allies in Recovery brings you into contact with experts in the fields of recovery and treatment for drug and alcohol issues. Our learning platform introduces you to CRAFT and guides you through the best techniques for unblocking the situation. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery. Learn more here.

Categories: Communication, Learn to facilitate your own intervention, Self-Care for the Family Member

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Dominique Simon
Dominique launched Allies in Recovery in 2003. Her work has been featured on HBO and NPR. She is a facilitator and a trained speaker on issues of addiction and the family. She has worked extensively developing and evaluating federally-funded substance abuse programs for organizations and clinics throughout Massachusetts and New York. With an interest in recovery and substance abuse that spans 20 years, she sees a huge need to help families develop the skills to help a loved one recover fully in a supportive, whole, and lasting way in their families and in their communities. Her mission is to have Allies in Recovery fill that gap.

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It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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