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My Mom is an Expert at Arguing (part 1)

annieunhooked February 7, 2017
AiR, Allies in Recovery, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, recovery, alcohol, opiates, communication, denial, blame-shifting, arguing, Annie Highwater, argue, argument, Unhooked: a Mother’s Story of Unhitching from the Roller Coaster of Her Son’s Addiction

inAllies in Recovery, Allies in Recovery, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, addiction, recovery, alcohol, opiates, communication, denial, blame-shifting, arguingIllustration © Tumisu via Pixabay

Arguing with an addicted loved one can be like reasoning with a hurricane!

There are more people affected by addiction than there are people addicted. It’s been said that for every one person struggling with addiction, there are at least 15 people affected. The effects are painful and relentless for those of us left in the wake. Affected family members feel helpless about changing the situation. We stand by, sober and aware, knowing that addiction is capable of quickly devouring our household, right before our eyes.

It’s no secret that addiction has ripped its way through my home and family. At least not since my book “Unhooked, a Mother’s Story of Unhitching from the Roller Coaster of Her Son’s Addiction” was published. Unhooked details my tumultuous struggle with my Mother as well as a 6-year journey through the prescription-pill addiction of my son and only child, following an injury in football. I have been in the presence of active addiction my entire life; it is an ordeal I wish on no one. I have not had a single day of my life unaffected by someone’s addiction and/or related behavior. Not one day. Navigating my way through life with this affliction present, always lurking and often rearing its head with great velocity, has been an emotional obstacle course.

The deceptive tactics of arguing

One of the ways I have found myself pulled into a struggle with the insanity and dysfunction of addiction is when what I call “bottomless arguments” flare up. Particularly those that involve a combination of deceptive tactics. When arguments arise and become excessively heated, they become unsolvable and involve dynamics like blame-shifting, denial and false accusation … I know I am most likely in the presence of active addiction, relapse or some other deception that desperately wants to stay hidden. I’ve found the stronger these tactics are applied by the person I am struggling with, the deeper the deception.

I will elaborate. Below, I describe ways I’ve found myself in conflict with someone I care greatly about, but who struggles with the addiction:

Blame-shifting

…a tactic used to always push blame onto another person. The act of transferring responsibility for an error or problem to another (dictionary.com).

In my experience, the best of manipulators will apply this form of emotional abuse. It’s a slippery, shirking, somewhat “juking” way of side-stepping ownership for decisions and behavior. Whatever the offending party is confronted with, it is always someone else’s fault. Something or someone caused them to behave as they did. As if they are puppeteered against their own will, when in fact these are often very strong-willed people who can’t be forced to do a thing we’d like them to!

I refuse to go deep into conversation with blame-shifting. I set that boundary long ago. As soon as I recognize it, I back out of the conversation and respond to the blame-shifting independently. My approaches include:

  • walking my dog to take a breather;
  • praying or meditating for 10 or 15 minutes;
  • calling a trusted friend in my support system;
  • a few yoga stretches or 20 jumping jacks …

… all ways to clear my frustrated energy and feel better.

Blame-shifting is an abusive, conniving tactic that, very simply put, distracts from accountability, addressing the truth and problem solving. Blame-shifting is not a battle that truth and fairness will win. Accountability and problem solving are necessary for growth and change.

Denial

…refusal to admit the truth or reality. (merriam-webster.com).

Addiction is never alive and well without the presence of denial. Denial, to me, is fluid; it takes on many forms. A person who is unwilling to face, or admit, the truth will go to the death fighting to deny it to everyone else. On the opposite side of that is often a family member desperate not to believe the whispers of truth that have been alerting them all along. The family member(s) may also resist believing that the ominous situation they’re afraid of is actually happening. I tend to be one who dives right into the truth, just as I prefer jumping into a swimming pool versus inching my way in and getting used to the cold water. For me, facing it head-on gets it over more quickly and allows me to begin making decisions toward solutions.

That said, having a person who holds weight in your life refuse to admit that a situation is happening – even in the presence of proof – is one of the most frustrating experiences. Before one becomes seasoned with the tactics of addicts (who will do anything they can to protect the anonymity of their problem), it’s easy to get swept up by the hurricane of distracting behavior.

Maybe this isn’t even my fight

I myself have been lured into the storm too many times to remember. Many times I would even invent brand new, intricate ways of catching lies that would put CIA agents to shame. All without stopping to think,

Wait, maybe I could just…not go down this rabbit hole. Maybe this isn’t even my fight. Perhaps I don’t have to run this race or step into this storm. Instead, I could calmly realize that if things are not adding up, something is wrong and I should remove myself from the chaos rather than being caught in it. I need to instead set consistent, firm, healthy boundaries and settle on the fact that if I am right, the truth will expose itself eventually.

Stepping away from the chaos

What use is it to work this hard to nail down a confession? Have I proved one point so far that turned things around? What can I do if I am right? The person denying the truth will just get better at disguising it next time. To a degree, searching for answers is a must, but just like a song plays itself out on the radio…at some point I know when that tune has had its run. I cannot walk in the kindest version of myself if I am in a long, drawn-out dogfight to expose something.

At some point I have to step back and allow nature to take its course. Truth always comes out eventually. What a relief.

“In times of war, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.” ~Winston Churchill

Since 2003, Allies in Recovery has addressed substance abuse in families by providing a method for the family to change the conversation about addiction. We use Community Reinforcement & Family Training (CRAFT), a proven approach that helps the family unblock and advance the relationship towards sobriety and recovery and to engage a loved one into treatment. Learn about member benefits by following this link.

Categories: Communication, Self-Care for the Family Member
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annieunhooked
I am the daughter as well as the mother of someone who has had struggles with narcotic pain medication following injuries. My son is five years in recovery, my mother is still prescribed these medications and abuses them. Her health, mindset and awareness are failing as a result. Substance abuse has been a part of my life ALL my life. I know the deep despair, confusion, frustration, and terror it causes a family. I also know that with proper care, kind, healthy support, information and effort we CAN recover and rise.

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Worry-woman with mug

Does Worrying Prove I Love You?

What’s the antidote to worry and where does it show up in your body? How is it connected to love? Can worry ever be helpful? When does worrying cross the line and become destructive, or self-destructive? What does Allies in Recovery have to offer when worrying about your loved one is taking over your thoughts?

isabel November 7, 2018
David Sheff

An Extract from David Sheff’s ‘Beautiful Boy’

David Sheff’s story about his son’s addiction and recovery has led him to several realizations about himself as a parent his own need to recover from the experience. He found that his constant suffering and struggle through near crises with his son was easier to deal with than focusing on himself. Today, their relationship has evolved into one of independence, acceptance, compassion and always love.

an-air-member February 6, 2018
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

Allies in Recovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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