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Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Dandelion - Hope
Allies in Recovery, Allies in Recovery, Dominique Simon-Levine, dominique simon levine, hope, encouragement, addiction, recovery, Annie Highwater, expectations, opioids, opiate, drug addiction, self-care,Unhooked: A Mother's Story of Unhitching from the Roller Coaster of Her Son's Addiction.
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The daily crises surrounding addiction and the constant hope it fuels

I have been around prescription medication addiction and abuse all my life. All. My. Life. As detailed in my book “Unhooked,” not a day of my life has gone by that wasn’t somehow impacted by someone’s struggle with addiction. Whether I’m in a healthy place with peace, serenity and firm boundaries intact, or I am “having a moment,” fed up, acting crazy and slipping into an emotional meltdown, it doesn’t take this away. Addiction and the ripple effects of it are always around my life and the sense of that never truly leaves me, not even on my great days.

That’s not to say that I walk around dreary, full of doom and gloom. But the reality is, when you have addiction rampant in your family it brings a lot of spontaneous madness, crisis and conflict onto your path. Those things can arise and rear their head without warning. This scenario can also cause you to have hope for changes that you have zero control over.

 

The long journey from frustration to peace and acceptance

While I’ve gotten better at not getting pulled into chaos and I’m quicker to recover from upset, I do have areas of growth I sometimes fall short in. Expectations, hope and disappointment can still at times overtake and even overpower me. These are the times I am keenly aware of my need to stop, regroup and fortify some new ways of managing myself. 

I do know that I have come a long way from where I started and that is encouraging. Yet even still, how many times has my heart been sick over hope deferred? The list is long.

When I first began working with therapy and recovery, I was totally tangled up in the madness. Fighting through it, struggling against it, grieving about it. Almost daily. All of my heart was invested in the functions (and dysfunctions) of those around me. Much more than it was invested in my own well-being. The misery this caused prompted me to analyze the objects of my hope.

I began asking myself “Are my hopes and expectations achievable for me? Are they healthy? Realistic? Fair? Is my hope at the mercy of others? Is my hope dependent solely upon someone else’s decisions? Will I be able to come to a point that, regardless of what anyone is doing (or not doing), I can reach peace and acceptance?”

When the answer was “No,” I recognized that it must again be time to stop, regroup and fortify some new ways of managing myself. Through prayer and meditation, self-examination, recovery work, support, much trial and error, and by cutting myself some slack, I began finding my way forward.

 

Managing my expectations

Through recovery work I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

I’m still free to decide how to respond, how much time to spend, what to give, allow or tolerate. Those are the decisions within my control. There is so much peace in no longer hinging my well-being upon anyone else. Life always becomes much easier when I let go of the control I never had in the first place.

…and this is when I know that working my recovery is working for me.

My hope and expectations are much more realistic and flexible these days. Chaos flares up, crisis and conflict are going to happen. They just are, it’s how it is. Life happens. I have learned to stop living at the mercy of my circumstances. Who knows, tragedy may fall on us. I certainly hope not, but if it does I have to believe that even if devastated, I will be okay. I will survive. Life will go on and eventually we will all meet up at the same finish line anyway.

Having faith in that, allows me to have peace in the moment and hope for the future.

“Peace begins when expectation ends.” ~Sri Chinmoy

Peace, hope and serenity,

Annie

Since 2003, Allies in Recovery has addressed substance abuse in families by providing a method for the family to change the conversation about addiction. We use Community Reinforcement & Family Training (CRAFT), a proven approach that helps the family unblock and advance the relationship towards sobriety and recovery and to engage a loved one into treatment. Learn about member benefits by following this link.

Categories: Self-Care for the Family Member
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annieunhooked
I am the daughter as well as the mother of someone who has had struggles with narcotic pain medication following injuries. My son is five years in recovery, my mother is still prescribed these medications and abuses them. Her health, mindset and awareness are failing as a result. Substance abuse has been a part of my life ALL my life. I know the deep despair, confusion, frustration, and terror it causes a family. I also know that with proper care, kind, healthy support, information and effort we CAN recover and rise.

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David Sheff’s story about his son’s addiction and recovery has led him to several realizations about himself as a parent his own need to recover from the experience. He found that his constant suffering and struggle through near crises with his son was easier to deal with than focusing on himself. Today, their relationship has evolved into one of independence, acceptance, compassion and always love.

an-air-member February 6, 2018
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, divided house, family relations, manipulation, manipulate, support groups, struggle, advice, Family reaction, friends' reaction

Podcast: “Handling All of the Parallel Struggles”

Annie and Laurie open up about the parallel issues that can arise during the worst of times. With their sons’ addiction raging, they also had to deal with what was going on on other fronts: chaos, crises, judgement, family discord. They learned how to respond to other’s remarks, and not react to them, how to stay united and not sink.

AlliesInRecovery July 5, 2017
Alone

I Found Comfort in the Chaos

When a loved one enters treatment, there is often a feeling of emptiness which comes suddenly after a prolonged period of anxiety and stress. The source of constant focus and worry has gone off into treatment but the strong emotions associated with their presence may linger. Laurie MacDougall shares how she coped in this situation, learning how to let go and take care of herself.

Laurie MacDougall June 9, 2017
woman looking at bird on branch AiR

Now That He’s Sober, I Never Hear From Him

It takes a lot of mental work to get and remain sober and so a recovering loved one may be unintentionally careless with those who support them. If we recognize that people do the best they can with the tools they have in the moment, then we can accept this carelessness more easily. In the meantime, take care of your own well-being.

annieunhooked June 8, 2017
Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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