Become a member of Allies in Recovery and we’ll teach you how to intervene, communicate and guide your loved one toward treatment.Become a member of Allies in Recovery today.

Do You Mind If I Give You a Bit of Advice? Making Sense of “Peer Wisdom”

Allies in Recovery, AiR, Dominique Simon-Levine, dsl, CRAFT, advice, addicted loved one, opioids, peer wisdom, addiction, recovery,

There’s an endless supply of “peer wisdom” out there. That’s a term I use for all the advice that bubbles up around you. It can come from friends, family, and sometimes even from complete strangers.

*This post originally appeared on our Member Site blog, where experts respond to members’ questions and concerns. To take advantage of our current special offer and get full access to the Allies in Recovery eLearning program for families, click here.

advice addiction recovery intervention Allies in Recovery

Illustration © Eleanor Davis 

“Oh, Your Loved One is Addicted? Here’s What You Should Do!”

Having a loved one who struggles with addiction is one of the best ways to attract advice from all directions. Sometimes it feels warm and comforting – just what you need. At other times, you are fighting a desire to clap your hands over your ears. And there can also be times when you just can’t help it: you make a cutting remark to put the person “back in their place.”

Is there a way to make sense of all this advice? Is there a way to put an end to people sharing their two cents when you didn’t ask them to in the first place? How do you know who to listen to?

First, let me say that there’s no remedy that will wipe out all advice-giving from your life. And a lot of advice can actually be helpful. Below, I share some thoughts in the hopes of shedding some light on the subject.

 

Making Sense of the Advice You Receive

 

  • Watch out for the “Hopeless” crowd

    I have noticed something about the people who are most likely to share their stories – or “wisdom.” They tend to be the people who have had the least success in helping their loved one. Their ongoing frustration may mean they have a strong need to share. If the tone of what the person is sharing tends toward the negative, and sounds hopeless, beware! Scientific research has shown that there are many positive changes family members can make to improve their situation. My experience working with families backs this up.

  • If it sounds awful, it may well be 

    Many people are still clinging to some common and popular beliefs about dealing with addiction. The notions of “detaching” from your loved one or letting them “hit rock bottom” have gotten a lot of lip service. But we now know that these are not the best solutions. Studies on CRAFT have shown that families can step in before things get out of hand. There is actually a lot you can do to help. Work on your own ways of communicating. Learn to adapt your own behavior depending on if they are using or not using. Every word or gesture can make a difference.

  • Sound advice to family members should meet the following 3 requirements, it should:

    • show respect for the loved one.
    • reflect the reality that as a family member you can not control the situation but you CAN influence it.
    • focus on what is happening now, in the present moment (and not, for example, harping on things that happened in the past)
  • At Allies in Recovery, we do not seek to dispense instructions on how to deal with each situation you encounter.

    Instead, we hope to help you get a handle on a framework for affecting change in your relationship with your loved one. The principles that make up the CRAFT method are suggestions – not prescriptions. Our goals are:

    • making you feel better,
    • improving your relationship with your loved one, and
    • helping you help them to get help.

 

Get CRAFT. Get a Precious Tool-kit.

As you become better acquainted with the CRAFT method for moving your loved one towards treatment, you’ll probably notice that much of what we teach forms a precious tool-kit. It is not only helpful for families dealing with addiction. Anyone who wants to end gridlock and move towards positive change in their life can use these tools with great success.

As a final note, let me remind you that as lost as you may feel at times, you also have your own, innate wisdom. That little voice, if you can find the quiet you need to hear it, can be an unfailing guide, helping you to act from your heart.

*  A membership at Allies in Recovery brings you into contact with experts in the fields of recovery and treatment for drug and alcohol issues. Our learning platform introduces you to CRAFT and guides you through the best techniques for unblocking the situation. Together we will move your loved one towards recovery.

Loading

Related Posts from "Communication"

“What We All Require Is To Be Heard”: Kayla Solomon On Effective Communication and Connection

In March 2023, Allies in Recovery’s very own Kayla Solomon led a 90-minute ZOOM conversation with leaders of the East Bay chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) based in Sacramento, California. The result was a dynamic primer on the use of CRAFT, the Allies approach to building trust and connection with Loved Ones, and the vital role of listening and affirming when supporting a Loved One with mental health and/or substance use challenges. Click above to watch the recording.

Trusting A Loved One in Early Recovery

Her husband is in early recovery, but he doesn’t want to share details with her. She’s nervous and struggling with trust due to his history of SUD and lying. She’s reluctant to let him come home, and unsure how to talk to him about it. Dominique weighs in with an idea of what to say based on the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach that we use at AlliesinRecovery.net.

How CRAFT Can Help: Supporting Your Partner to Successfully Moderate Opiate Use

His partner is trying to moderate her use of heroin and methamphetamine with no formal support. Her use consumes so much of his partner’s life that it’s hard to see her “moderation” as progress. But his loved one wants him to acknowledge how “well” she’s doing, and there hasn’t been room for more discussion. Read on for suggested strategies from AlliesinRecovery.net to engage his partner into treatment, using the CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) approach.

How to Use the CRAFT Approach to Communicate with a Loved One Living with Substance Use Disorder

Substance Use Disorder can often involve volatile emotions on all sides. When family members use the CRAFT approach that we teach at AlliesinRecovery.net, it can help disentangle emotions from practicalities, leading to greater calm and more effective outcomes. This mom recently had an exchange with her son who is struggling with Substance Use Disorder (SUD), but held back from responding in fear it would end in a heated argument. So, she to turned to Allies for guidance. Read on for some pointers on how best to communicate with a loved one in active addiction using the CRAFT approach.

Real Allies in Recovery Success Stories: Families Share How CRAFT Helped Their Loved Ones with SUD

Read real success stories from families who used the CRAFT approach to help their loved ones with Substance Use Disorder (SUD). Learn how CRAFT helped them engage their loved ones into treatment, and how it improved their relationships and reduced stress levels. Discover how you can use the CRAFT method to help your loved ones find recovery, and visit AlliesinRecovery.net for more stories and resources.

How Do I Prepare for My Daughter with SUD to Come Home? And What About Her Boyfriend?

Her daughter is involved with a man who may be sabotaging her efforts to stop using substances. But she’s expressed some readiness to get help, and mom wants to support her in any way that she can. Mom’s working on ignoring the bad-news boyfriend while setting up guidelines for her return home. She needs guidance on the details…Allies in Recovery weighs in with some CRAFT-based tips.

Collaboration Vs. Ultimatum

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.

Handling Confrontation the CRAFT Way

How do you shift from conflict to a more open conversation with your loved one whose struggling with addiction? Using CRAFT, you can improve the relationship by engaging in a way that is both effective and supportive. You become part of the treatment process instead of something else your loved one is battling.

Her Partner is Not Improving from Substance Use Disorder. Is There an Underlying Mental Health Condition?

One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members as been artfully following the CRAFT principles and yet her loved one is not showing signs of improvement. Engaging in extreme behavior, barely ever sleeping, misusing his ADHD medication, lying, and now, stealing… Is it all on the addiction or could her partner suffer from an underlying, undiagnosed and untreated mental health condition?

Shall We Dance?

CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn’t a traditional dance – it’s a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn’t, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It’s a process.

The Important Difference Between Bribes, Incentives, and Positive Reinforcement

A mom wrote in asking for guidance on whether she should offer to reward her son for attending addiction recovery group meetings. However, she is unsure if she’s implementing the CRAFT concept of “rewards” correctly. Laurie MacDougall, an Allies in Recovery virtual program trainer – who herself has a loved one with SUD – explains the important differences between bribes, incentives, and positive reinforcement. Laurie advises steering away from the first two and sticking with positive reinforcement instead.

He’s Drinking and Trying To Hide It. What Should I Be Doing?

Rengal’s son is struggling with alcohol use, and this has led to some difficult encounters. She naturally wants to act in hopes of making things better. But as Allies writer Laurie MacDougall explains, sometimes the first challenge we face with our Loved Ones is not to make things worse. Not reacting, not confronting: these can be positive, powerful early steps. CRAFT skills can help us take them.

Now He’s Abusing His ADHD Medication. What to do?

Her long-time partner added a new drug to the usual mix of cannabis and alcohol: now he’s got a prescription for ADHD meds and is blowing through a month’s supply in 5 days. He blames all his negative behaviors on his underlying depression. How can she be helpful to her partner, without playing into his victim mentality? She feels like she might want to give up on his recovery and ask him to move out…but we have some great CRAFT-informed tips for strategies she can try first.

Collaboration Vs. Ultimatum

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so if concerns arise your loved one can take responsibility, have agency, and you’re not running the show on your own. Without their “skin in the game,” little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.

His Early Recovery Is Triggering Me

Her loved one has been abstinent from substance use for weeks. With steady recovery inputs, including a medication, he is doing better. However, he recently adopted a deeply confrontational stance and has shifted to some alternative addictive behaviors. Our AlliesinRecovery.net member, feeling hurt and lost, wonders how to address these new challenges. Laurie MacDougall uses some examples from her son’s recovery journey to help paint a picture of more successful interactions that can let some of the tension out of the situation. Read this blog post for some CRAFT-informed ways to handle triggers, boundaries, and power struggles.

I Meant Well. Did My Words Make Him Start Drinking Again?

A recurrence never occurs for one reason alone. It’s rare that words of love are to blame. Yet as linsachacko31 recently discovered, even words meant to celebrate a Loved One’s accomplishments can be taken in a way we don’t intend. Laurie MacDougall reflects how easily this can happen, and some simple ways we can change our approach to those vital, if challenging, moments of connection.

My Son is Using Again. Should I Confront Him?

When you are trying your best to work with a family member in recovery from Substance Use Disorder (SUD), it can be frightening and disappointing to discover they are using again. What to do? One of our AlliesinRecovery.net members wrote in about her son having a recurrence of use, and she wonders whether she should confront him or not. She feels she can’t bear the emotional rollercoaster of her son’s recovery journey. We weigh in with some reminders from the CRAFT approach about how to manage her own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. We suggest she stay the course and not confront him – at least not yet.