What Do We Have to Look Forward To?

Photo credit: Anastasiya Lobanovskaya

Supporting a Loved one with SUD means different things to different people. Meggie, for example, comes from a family that’s confronted the disorder through “tough love”—leaving the Loved One to deal with their addiction entirely alone. This never felt right to Meggie, who wanted to fight alongside her husband for his recovery. When she discovered CRAFT, she soon realized it was designed to help her do just that. Nonetheless, thoughts of the future still leave her anxious. What if he’s in and out of jail for a long time to come? Isabel Cooney reminds us that so much depends on what we tell ourselves about both the present and the possible future.

Allies’ member Meggie recently contacted us with concerns about her partner:

My loved one struggling with addiction has chosen to get help and is currently in rehab. He is worried about the consequences from the illegal mistakes he made and which could potentially catch up to him. Upon further investigation it’s begun to worry me too. How can I look towards a positive future for him without the constant worry of jail time that could be looming over his head?

I had the opportunity to speak with Meggie recently and learned a bit more about her situation. Her Loved One is her husband, the father of their five-year-old son. His substances of choice are “everything—crack, fentanyl, alcohol, cocaine…” His addiction began at age 15, and he’s going on 40 now. He’s currently in a three-week residential treatment stay, engaged and determined. She estimates that this may be his eighth or ninth treatment episode.

The blessing and power of a committed partner

One thing that stood out to me from the beginning of our exchange was the strength of Meggie’s love for him and of her desire to be his ally in recovery. So often, the CRAFT examples we see highlight the relationships between parents and their children who struggle with SUD. The bond we have with our children is unbreakable, no matter how far they’ve strayed off the path. It’s the essence of unconditional love.

We hear less, however, about partners who embody a similar devotion, deep love, and understanding for their partner who struggles (and causes all sorts of havoc in the family).

It was truly beautiful to hear the loving determination that Meggie clearly embodies. Her husband is one lucky human!

Meggie has a powerful story around addiction that precedes this relationship. In her family, she explained, almost everyone is an alcoholic…and almost all of them have found lasting sobriety.

And yet, despite the family’s deep experience with SUD and recovery, she explained that “tough love” remains the default message from her family. She points to the “Al-Anon” influence as a principal source of these messages. Her friends tend to respond with a similar mindset.

When it comes to how she’s handling her husband’s addiction, she is often confronted with admonitions like, “Leave him! Run from him!”—the opposite, she admits, of what she wants to do. “I’m a people pleaser,” she explains, which makes it hard when those closest to you are giving you advice you really don’t want to follow.

Moving from “tough love” to CRAFT skills and knowledge

Enter CRAFT. Meggie encountered the approach through Allies in Recovery while her husband was in his previous treatment facility. CRAFT helped her realize, “I’m allowed to love him. I’m allowed to fight for him.”

Since then, she has been able to start channeling her beautiful love for this man into a more productive, more respectful, more compassionate strategy. You can almost feel the expansion of her heart, when she talks about how she’s approaching things now.

She is attending an Allies CRAFT support group. She is learning to put aside the judgement, the warnings, the policing, the extremely harsh tough-love approach that she was only half-heartedly applying. It is truly inspiring to witness.

Worry can spiral out of control

And yet the situation remains complicated, frightening, and challenging for Meggie, as she navigates the current reality and potential outcomes of her Loved One’s choices. Their son asks about his father every day, wondering when he’ll come home. She has begun speaking to him about his father’s sickness, turning to some age-appropriate books to open up the conversation. Her son will begin seeing a counselor in a few weeks. Meggie worries deeply about the pain he might experience if he gets his dad back and things go awry once again. How strong and understandable is our desire to protect our children from what might hurt!

Her Loved One has had frequent run-ins with the law over the years of his substance use. He is aware that there could be heavy consequences (extended jail time) if the authorities were to catch up with him now. These potential outcomes hang over his head as he tries to be fully present with his inpatient treatment. They hang over Meggie’s head too.

“What-ifs” and catastrophizing fill her thoughts, taking on gargantuan proportions. She starts ruminating and turning in mental circles, exhausting herself as she tries to figure out solutions to problems that aren’t yet reality, and may never be.

She also worries that this treatment episode won’t last long enough. That the aftercare won’t be sufficient. That he may relapse and/or get into trouble with the law again.

The day I spoke with Meggie, she was experiencing what she described as an “emotional hangover” following a long and tearful phone discussion with her husband: not quite an argument, but something more like a debate. He was “awfulizing,” thinking he should simply turn himself in rather than wait and wonder. She was countering his panicked thinking with reminders of what is, of what could be, of all the positive points.

I asked her what she herself needed reminders about. She didn’t hesitate for long:

I need to remember to stay present. I’ve been so worried for my son. I need to remind myself that it’s one day at a time. And that we are OK, me and my son!

I felt proud of this Allies member—for knowing what she needed, for embracing the self-care and self-preservation mindset, and for being able to identify positive elements about her life right now, despite all the fear that’s been bullying her.

Accepting the limits of our control

To her own advice, which seems quite wise to me, I would add the following guidance. Acceptance is not something we just know (or don’t know) how to do. Acceptance—of what is unknown, of what we cannot control, of what each day brings, of all of our conflicting emotions—is a practice, and one to which we’re constantly invited to return.

Steps on the path of practicing acceptance might include:

• Seeing things as they are, versus how we wish they were
• Allowing our feelings to be what they are meant to be—transitory states that pass through and over us, but do not stay for good
• Naming those feelings, even locating where they might be manifesting in our bodies
• Journaling or talking to a friend who knows how to listen generously, without judgement, and without excessive counsel
• The idea of yielding or surrendering can be very helpful—not in the sense of giving up or abandoning our mission, but rather of letting go: of control, the desire to control, the illusion that we can control how other people’s lives play out, even the illusion that we control everything about our own lives
• Faith (with a lowercase “f”) or Faith (with an uppercase “F”) are both amazing allies in the journey towards deeper acceptance. Whatever idea, image, symbol, story, ancestor, mentor, coach, guide, or higher power brings you the feeling of unconditional support and the sense that “it’s going to be OK, you can loosen your grip” is worth returning to, again and again.

Meggie, the fact that you’ve landed here in this community, have got CRAFT into your toolbox, and have committed to being a stalwart ally to your husband are all playing in your favor, and his.

The subtle dance of CRAFT

Your Loved One obviously has his role to play in his lasting recovery. His remaining abstinent is paramount to the plan. By now you’re familiar with the subtle dance of coming in close with warmth and other rewards when he’s not using or involved with substances; or alternatively, stepping away and maintaining firm boundaries if and when he does use. In the latter situation, you’ll recall, you don’t want to broadcast disapproval or judgment, but you do want to remove the reward that is you: your presence, your engagement, your enthusiasm for interacting.

Because the fact is that relapse may occur. If it does, you do your CRAFT dance to try to shorten the length of that relapse. You’re on his side. You regularly remind him you are fighting along with him, and for him, against the addiction. Your words, your actions and your messages all underline that commitment and vision.

Your question, “How can I look towards a positive future for him without the constant worry of jail time?” is certainly a valid one. Perhaps it is the positive future you seek that must be your guide. Instead of, “He might be sent to jail, so a positive future might never materialize,” you could try a litany to the tune of:

We are working towards a positive future together. One day at a time, I make concrete choices and take concrete steps towards a positive future for my family. A positive future IS possible. We’re moving towards that positive future each day—even on the days when it feels we’re slipping back. I believe in this positive future, and it is my right to pursue this vision with every cell of my being.

Please return to the Allies website, to your support group, and to this Discussion Blog, as often as needed. Continue practicing the beautiful art of acceptance and finding moments of peace within yourself. Continue to remember that you, as the central pillar in the family, must find ways to receive as much as you’re giving. To take breaks. To tend to your mind and body and heart and soul. We are all rooting for you and your family, Meggie.