We Want To Help Our Daughter. We Want Some Boundaries Too.

Photo credit: Danik Prihodko

Nanny’s grown daughter struggles with alcohol use disorder. She’s lost custody of her child and has been through a divorce. Not everything is going wrong, however: she has a good job, has engaged with treatment—and above all, has loving parents who want to help her in her journey to recovery. But a recent incident helped Nanny realizes that she also needs some boundaries. Allies’ writer Laurie MacDougall agrees, and offers CRAFT-based guidance on establishing them.

My adult daughter lives with us and uses our car to go to work. She was in the hospital three years ago, in a coma for six days, in critical condition from delirium tremens. She went to treatment three years ago. She relapsed soon after. She’s lost everything! We took her in so she wouldn’t be homeless!

She’s lost custody of her eight-year-old autistic daughter but has visitation. She has to have a hair analysis that the judge ordered during her divorce. We’ve told her we would support her during recovery but not in active addiction! She has a good job. She relapses off and on. I’m new to this and have learned a lot from AiR so far!

Last night she didn’t come home from work. I’m sure she’s drinking, but I am unsure of how to handle this when she does come home. This has been pure hell. The story is longer but this is the gist of it! I’d appreciate any advice or help!

Hi Nanny,

First, I want to acknowledge your courage and dedication in supporting your daughter through these incredibly challenging times. It is evident that you deeply care for her well-being and are committed to helping her navigate her recovery journey. Your involvement in learning CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) and utilizing the resources on the Allies in Recovery website shows a proactive approach that can make a significant difference.

A winding road can still bring you to your goal

It’s important to recognize that recovery from addiction is rarely a straightforward path. Recurrences are often part of the process, and they don’t signify failure. Recovery, much like healing from any illness or injury, involves ups and downs. Expecting a perfect, linear progression sets unrealistic standards. Everyone is human, and the road to recovery includes learning new coping mechanisms and overcoming numerous obstacles.

Staying connected with your daughter, regardless of whether she is actively using or not, is crucial. Research indicates that the more recovery capital a person has, the better their outcomes. Recovery capital includes supportive relationships, access to resources, and a stable environment. Your continued support and presence can provide a foundation for her to build upon, even during challenging times.

Be ready when she comes home

When your daughter returns home, approaching the situation with empathy and calmness can facilitate a more constructive conversation. You might say something like, “I love you and I’m concerned about you staying out all night. It brings up some concerns for your father and me. What happened and what are your thoughts?” This approach uses “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory, inviting her to share her perspective.

Listening without judgment is vital. She may feel defensive or accuse you of mistrust, but it’s important to stay grounded in the facts—she did not come home, which historically indicates drinking. By staying calm and empathetic, you encourage her to open up and discuss her actions and feelings.

What you suspect is more than likely true: that she was out drinking. After you say your piece, listen to what she has to say. There may be cries that you don’t trust her, or how could you accuse her of such things, but try not to be swayed. The wonderful thing about CRAFT is that it’s not a punishing approach, so if your wrong and it turns out she wasn’t drinking, you’ve just expressed concern for a troubling behavior.

The many benefits of boundaries

Setting boundaries is a necessary step, both for your well-being and hers. Boundaries are not about controlling her behavior but about what you need to maintain a healthy environment. Clearly communicate what behaviors you are asking for. For example, you might request that she text or call you if she isn’t coming home and discuss the importance of this communication for your peace of mind.

Boundaries are covered extensively here on the Allies website. To be effective, they should be consistent and not used as a form of punishment but rather as a way to protect yourself and maintain a supportive environment. For a deeper understanding of boundaries, have a look at these Allies posts.

You should also ask what she thinks should happen if there is drinking when she stays out. When you bring this up, mention what you would want to have happen: “We’re worried about your well-being when there is drinking and don’t feel comfortable with it. We know we are asking for something that is difficult to accomplish, so we’ve made a list of resources that we’re hoping you might take a look at. Maybe you’ll find something you’d be willing to do?”

Her answer might well be no, but allow her to take the time to think about the conversation. Committing to something in the moment is difficult; she may need space to consider what you’re saying. You can circle back around in a couple of days and say something like: “Have you had a chance to look at the list? What are your thoughts?” This is requesting versus demanding. Requesting something helps to bring down a person’s defenses.

I know this is a slow process, but stay with it. This is a way to build on your relationship with your daughter and help walk with her through this terrible illness.

Keep those resources at your fingertips

Have a list of resources ready, on paper, and leave it somewhere easily accessed by her. That list should include as many of these as you can find:

• Residential intensive outpatient programs
• Partial hospitalization programs
• The vivitrol shot
• Recovery community organizations with peers
• Counselors
• Local and virtual meetings
• Yoga, Zen meditation programs, or anything healthy that she enjoys engaging with

This process requires patience and persistence. Change often happens slowly, but your consistent support and willingness to stay engaged can make a significant difference. By focusing on improving your relationship and communication, you help create a safer and more supportive environment for her recovery.

Explore this Allies in Recovery website further to enhance your skills. Module 7 focuses on self-regulation and managing challenging emotions, while Module 4 covers reflective listening, a valuable communication tool. These tools can help you navigate the emotional complexities of your situation and improve your interactions with your daughter.

Your daughter is fortunate to have a loving and caring family. Your efforts to support her, while maintaining boundaries for yourselves, demonstrate a strong commitment to her recovery. Please keep us updated on your progress and continue to reach out for support as needed. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and there are resources and communities ready to help you every step of the way.

With empathy and hope,

Laurie MacDougall