We See His Pot Use as a Problem—But Does He?

Photo credit: Kindel Media

Allies member jenniferm has a 22-year-old son whose past use of hard drugs has left him with serious medical conditions. Recently, he’s been able to quit the hard drugs, and has had some very positive conversations with his parents. He also uses a good deal of marijuana, which brings relief from his medical symptoms. Now jenniferm is wondering: how much is too much? In responding to her concerns, Isabel Cooney suggests that it may be more important now to focus on his progress, and on strengthening even further the loving connections that have supported him on his recovery journey.

Note: this blog post is a follow-up to a recent Coming Up for Air podcast episode, in which Laurie MacDougall, Kayla Solomon, and Dominique Simon-Levine address jenniferm’s concerns. We begin with jenniferm’s message to Allies:

Like all situations, I feel it is more complicated than I will be able to explain in a short question post. But my son is 22, and he has had multiple overdoses. One left him with permanent brain damage resulting in fine and gross motor-coordination issues and involuntary movements. He has been off any hard drugs for several months now except for one slip-up with benzos that we were able to identify and address very quickly. This led to a very good discussion between my son, my husband, and myself that made it clear he is trying to medicate himself to provide relief (both physical and mental) from the constant movements.

We came up with a plan to see a psychiatrist and review his medications and pursue a medical marijuana (MMJ) card instead of buying pot off the street because he has continued to use cannabis through all of this, but never legally. He did see the psychiatrist, and he did get his MMJ card, but now our concerns are that he is smoking way too much.

How do we address our concerns about the marijuana now that he has complied with all of the prior agreements we made? We didn’t set up a plan for how much he could use other than not during work, which he may or may not be abiding by. He uses as soon as he gets home and all evening long until he falls asleep. We are happy it isn’t hard drugs or anything from the street, but the usage is still problematic to us—clearly, not to him.

Thanks for writing in, jenniferm. When facing a situation like the one you’ve described, Kayla Solomon suggests you begin by going back to a key CRAFT notion of recovery—which she describes as “a process of taking parts of yourself back, increasing your function, taking care of what needs to be taken care of.” She points out that in this way of seeing recovery, “there is no destination.”

In other words: those of us in recovery and those of us supporting someone in recovery must always keep in mind that it. is .a. process. And a gradual one. Step follows step—and this usually includes steps backwards as well as forward. No two recovery paths look alike.

Here are a few questions we suggest that you, the family, might weigh:

• Is the pot actually working for your son?
• Do you feel it’s helping him more than hurting him?
• Is it helping with the physiological symptoms?
• Is it negatively impacting his function?

Dominique Simon-Levine points out there are likely numerous benefits to your Loved One (LO)‘s use of marijuana, in addition to the calming of immediate physiological factors you mention. He may be better able to relax, and better able to get good sleep. And it may quite possibly be keeping him off the other drugs.

Furthermore, most pot users do use pot every couple of hours, all day long—so if he is managing to get up, go to work, and only smoke in the evenings, this is actually excellent compared to the majority of pot users.

Putting our focus where it can do the most good

Laurie MacDougall questions the idea that your son’s use is “too much.” He has, after all, complied with your requests. He went to the psychiatrist. He got the medical marijuana card. He is no longer buying on the streets. He’s putting effort into this. He’s using pot for sleep and to deal with the involuntary movements. And he’s been doing well with abstinence from the hard drugs.

It’s possible, too, that he could be using more than he needs. But Laurie invites you to revisit your focus for now. Instead of looking at and worrying about how much pot he’s smoking, give positive reinforcement for the effort he’s putting into dealing with what’s going on in his life. What a relief it must be to have those involuntary movements under control, to have found a way to make them stop.

Make sure you are acknowledging the positive parts of what you’re seeing. Find ways to say, “I see you.” Help shine a light on what is working. You could say to him, for example:

I certainly understand that the pot has been calming the involuntary movements. It’s great you found something that helps.

When (and if) it’s time to focus on the use

You can also look for ways to increase the duration of his non-using times (see Allies’ Learning Modules 5 & 6). If he’s working eight hours and driving to and from work, we gather that he’s already not using during that time. To help him increase that time, what about occasionally meeting him, with a few options in hand, when he gets home from work?

In Module 6, we see how a wife meets her husband at the door, saying how much she’d enjoy a short walk together. It’s possible you won’t manage to interest him the first time you ask, but don’t give up! A few days later, try again with a different idea (always something that would especially appeal to the LO, but that also brings you pleasure).

CRAFT can seem a little nutty when you first come into contact with it, Dominique points out, but remember that it’s the result of evidence-based, long-term study of what works best in motivating and strengthening our relationship with our LOs. It’s about creating little moments, tiny victories, a few extra minutes or hours of non-use, and chaining them together. It truly does create change. You’re subtly helping your LO to see what they’re capable of. You’re gently reminding them of the pleasures of life without substances. “Trust the process,” she knowingly reminds us.

Progress, not perfection

As to the process itself: Kayla invites us to be in the mindset of progress rather than perfection. “Focusing on the problems only dysregulates you as well as your relationship. [Your LOs] feel criticized, stalked, watched.” She encourages us to pay more attention to the functional side of things (what’s working? How are things working?) rather than the problems alone. Often we need to step back in order to really see, and then reinforce, the positive.

Laurie suggests that it may just be too early to focus on trying to change the “pot problem.” It may turn out that this isn’t the parents’ job at all. You may see what appears to be “over-using” for a while, and then one day he may realize that he doesn’t want to keep going like this. He might just figure out how to reduce on his own.

When in doubt, return to the CRAFT principles you’re learning on this site. The technique of rewarding and removing of rewards can be used with any substance use (really, with any behavior). That certainly includes his pot use. Now that you’ve helped him reach this point—no more hard drugs, legal use of medicinal pot—you can focus on the pot use itself:

• If he’s using pot excessively in your presence, remove immediate rewards (including the warmth of your presence, even if it’s a nagging presence!)
• Allow for natural consequences (example, if he’s oversleeping and is going to be late for work, consider not waking him up)
• Look for wishes and dips. This may take the form of change talk, when our LO expresses a desire for change, or a frustration with things as they are.
• Use reflective listening. For example, if he says “I’ve been having a hard time waking up for work,” you might respond, “Oh, that’s interesting. Waking up has been difficult. Do you have any thoughts on what you’d like to do about it?” (see Video: An Example of Reflective Listening – Allies in Recovery)

With CRAFT, you can truly help your LO toward the goal of lasting recovery by thinking and acting in informed ways, and with skills you develop with practice.

Where are the openings for effecting change? That’s what to look for. Where’s an opportunity to do something together, before using time, that may delay the next round of use? Think concretely about what you could propose, and the right time to do so.

And remember, even if he says no this time, he might accept the next time, three nights later. And if he does, you’re succeeding at reducing/delaying use, and you’ve focused on a positive way to effect some change.

What we can (and can’t) do for our Loved Ones

The “C” in CRAFT stands for community. When applied to the person with addiction, it’s about looking for alternatives in the community that are low-use, no-use, good substitutes for whatever they’re getting from using.

The family can be instrumental to this effort. What you come up with can, as we discussed above, be suggested in a moment of opening (a wish or a dip). It can also appear on the list of resources and options you hand to them when they engage in change talk.

When your Loved One starts diminishing substance use by means of their own choices and activities, they’re generating positive feelings and more motivation to keep going. That’s where you can be especially helpful. One of the family’s main goals during early recovery is to help their LO aim at health. This is a subtle move, and definitely shouldn’t be pushy. It’s about loving encouragement and positive reinforcement. One day they may just realize, “Oh my god, I’m thinking about my health!” These little, sometimes tiny, steps are creating a current that can carry our LO in a better direction. It’s important for them to see that they are choosing a new direction, and that they relish this choice.

Stepping out of the judgement zone

Kayla reminds us always to think twice when it comes to judging which symptoms or behaviors indicate what. There is often overlap or mimicking of symptoms between substance use and underlying mental health issues. She notes, for instance, that when our LOs use pot, they may appear tired, or be in bed a lot. Look mindfully and inquisitively at how the use of pot (or another substance) may either be treating depression or mimicking the symptoms of depression. Lots of our LOs already have depression issues. Pot can affect certain people this way—they lose motivation, lose energy. Here again, you’re bringing the focus back to function, not what you see as the “problem.”

When you make comments or observations, keep them short and keep a neutral stance. Focus on the behavior, on what you’re noticing, not on the problem. And don’t feel you need to find a solution. That part is for them.

Compare neutral, observation-sharing statements like these:

“It seems like you’re sleeping more”
“It seems like you’re talking to me less”
“It seems like you’re walking in and not saying hello”

…with statements that deliver a verdict:

“We feel you’re smoking too much”
“You’re in the danger zone”

Which kind of statement is more likely to generate a defensive reaction, perhaps even denial? Which kind is more likely to lead our LO to reflect calmly and clearly?

Laurie shares a phrase that has been useful to her in the past—again, delivered in a tone of neutral inquiry: “Is it something I should be worried about, or shouldn’t be worried about?” She invites us to get them talking about it (whatever it is) without the initial judgement or indication of worry from us. More often than not, the latter shuts them down. It can put an end to a conversation before it’s even begun.

Careful moves, delicate timing

If and when the time does come to discuss his pot use and whether it might be harming more than helping, wait for the moments when your son is expressing (verbally, or through body language, etc.) that the use is somehow causing some detrimental effects. This again is that change talk we keep referring to: a wish for change, or a dip in confidence or brave-faced denial.

Remember that our job as the family of a Loved One in recovery, or even in active use, is to be there. To support them. To look for and reinforce the positive. And to introduce replacement behaviors and activities.

If you need help with how to do all of that—and most of us do!—keep coming back to Allies. Post your questions. Listen to the podcast. Read more blog posts. And always come back to the modules and to your Key Observation exercises. We are here to support you while you’re practicing these new, sometimes counter-intuitive, but extremely effective techniques for supporting your LO.