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Why Shame is Not Your Friend

chaucer-2 January 18, 2016
shame addiction recovery family intervention Allies in Recovery

shame addiction recovery intervention Allies in Recovery

Dr. Brené Brown’s Groundbreaking Discoveries

Renowned researcher Dr. Brené Brown describes shame as the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the most primitive human emotion we all feel, and one that no one wants to talk about.

For many people struggling with addiction, shame is a powerful undercurrent that fuels use. These feelings lead to self-loathing, which in turn, lead to numbing and more use.

Shame Feeds on Addiction

As you interact with your loved one, you too may experience serious bouts of shame. You may blame yourself for your loved one’s behavior or feel defeated by your loved one’s refusal to seek treatment. Without self-care, your loved one’s addiction problems can leave you exhausted, or worse, set off a shame spiral.

Addiction in the family brings up many difficult emotions for everyone involved. You may be more familiar with anger, hopelessness, and fear. But shame is also there for all of us, in varying amounts.

After having studied this emotion for years, Dr. Brown describes it as “lethal.” If left to its own devices, she says, shame can destroy lives. In this short video, Brown talks with Oprah Winfrey about her discoveries. She defines shame, reveals the three things it requires to grow, and the one thing that stops it in its tracks.

Thinking About Shame in Your Own Life

After watching the video, get a pen and some paper, or your private journal, and contemplate shame and the impact it may be having on your life and the life of your loved one:

  • What situations trigger shame for you personally?
  • How do you feel when you find yourself in the midst of a shame spiral?
  • How do you react in those difficult moments?
  • Are there certain actions or thoughts that alleviate the shame?

In our next post, we’ll share three things that Dr. Brown recommends for stopping a shame spiral when it strikes.

Join the Allies in Recovery member site today for full, unlimited access to our e-learning platform, expert guidance, and the chance to connect with others in your situation. Learn more here.

Categories: Sanctuary, Self-Care for the Family Member
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Al-Anon, AlAnon, Allies in Recovery, Addiction, Dominique Simon-Levine, Dominique Simon Levine, CRAFT method, Family Treatment Program, Intervention, Intervention approach, Interventionist, SUD, Opiate, Opiods, Treatment, Treatment for Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery, Hazelden Betty Ford, Treatment Center, Support for Family, Family Support Group, IOP, Intensive Outpatient Program, Learn to Cope, The Addicts Mom, TAM, Support Group, Bob Meyers, Parent CRAFT, Annie Highwater, Unhooked, Laurie MacDougall, Substance Abuse, Alcohol, ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, Parent of Addicted Child, Parent of Addict, Co-dependent parent, Alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, CODA, Codependents Anonymous, Opiod Epidemic, Opiate Epidemic, Narcotics Anonymous, NA, marijuana, pot, weed, heroin, coke, crack, cocaine, painkillers, narcan, barbituates, manipulate, manipulation, manipulative, divided house, family relations, support groups, mental health, bipolar, Elliot, goals, focus, Recovery, addiction recovery, Laurie MacDougall, Annie Highwater

Podcast: “CRAFT! Where Have You Been All My Life?”

In today’s podcast, Annie and Laurie welcome Allies in Recovery founder, Dominique Simon-Levine, to explain the CRAFT method for helping families support an addicted loved one into treatment and through recovery. They share their personal experiences in implementing the CRAFT methodology and why it became their ‘strategy of choice’ not only in helping their addicted loved one, but also in looking after their own well-being.

AlliesInRecovery May 30, 2017
Stress

Reaching Level 10 Stress…and Stepping Away

The long-term stress I experienced caused me to become very forgetful, hasty in my decisions, confused and socially awkward. I also noticed that during that time of my life I became very clumsy. It became obvious to me that I was heading for a crash if I didn’t get ahead of my stress. I knew I had to develop different responses. I knew that I didn’t want addiction, terror and chaos calling the shots anymore.

annieunhooked May 12, 2017
Dandelion - Hope

Is Your Hope at the Mercy of Others?

Through recovery work, I have learned to stop expecting people to be different and to reduce the frustration that comes from trying to cause a person to get better, or trying to mold them into how I think they should be (even if it’s reasonable). When I put these demands and expectations down, I can love people for who they actually are.

annieunhooked April 3, 2017
Shame - Blame

You Oughta Be Ashamed of Yourself!

Positive reinforcement, as basic and childlike as that sounds, is a motivating force for progress. Speaking to someone’s goodness despite their wrong choices unlocks their worth. “You’re not a bad person, you’re just headed in a bad direction.” Or maybe “You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself, maybe just aware of faulty patterns so you can choose different ones.” That’s a great way to start motivating someone. Versus, “I told you so, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

annieunhooked March 23, 2017
Woman by Ocean

What I Did to Get Better

If I’m out at a party at a friend’s house, staying present in the party, in the moment, and enjoying every single moment with them, because that’s where I’m at right now … [this] helped me to have some joy and love right then, in that moment …

Laurie MacDougall March 7, 2017

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